This week I have been singing The Coinstar Song, meaning I'm so poor I have to put my loose change into one of those Penny Arcade things at the bank that make ordinary adults feel like A) idiots and B) crackheads.
Have you ever used one of those things? The makers designed them as a toy for kids, assuming, I guess, that grown men and women never deplete their checking accounts to the point where they are lifting up couch cushions to see if any quarters spilled from their husband's (or, um, wife's) pants pockets when s/he fall asleep during the Babies documentary you forced him/her to watch.
Since it is for children there's a little cartoon girl named Penny (YOU SO CLEVER, TD BANK! HOW DO YOU EVEN DEAL??!!) who narrates the whole experience. (Not Penny from The Rescuers, sadly--I guess since she's an orphan who got kidnapped to look for blood diamonds that would be depressing.)
"HI, I'M PENNY!" she basically yells from the screen, so that all of the responsible adults at the bank who are not carrying tube socks full of nickels on their person look at you pityingly. "ARE YOU READY TO COUNT SOME COINS TODAY?!"
This is the point when you stop looking like an idiot and start looking like a crackhead, because you cannot push the "OK" button fast or hard enough to skip through Penny's interminably long and enthusiastic monologue.
"DO YOU KNOW HOW TO--"
[Pounding button] Yes, bitch! Shut up and count my change!
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO GUESS--"
[Blindly tossing coins into slot] No, dammit, I already know the prize for guessing the total is a Men's XXL t-shirt that has basically no street value.
"WHEN YOU'RE READY, PUSH THE BUTTON--"
Bitch, I been pushing that shit for days! I need my fix!
Then, once you get your receipt for some embarrassing sum like $6.12, you have to wait in line for the teller, who counts out the bills into your sweaty, shaking palm, taking in your empty sock and shifty eyes and looking around hopefully for the prop child that you probably should have thought to bring with you as a decoy and for moral support.
Children are so much less judgy.