Saturday, September 11, 2010

Change I Can Believe In

This week I have been singing The Coinstar Song, meaning I'm so poor I have to put my loose change into one of those Penny Arcade things at the bank that make ordinary adults feel like A) idiots and B) crackheads.

Have you ever used one of those things? The makers designed them as a toy for kids, assuming, I guess, that grown men and women never deplete their checking accounts to the point where they are lifting up couch cushions to see if any quarters spilled from their husband's (or, um, wife's) pants pockets when s/he fall asleep during the Babies documentary you forced him/her to watch.

Since it is for children there's a little cartoon girl named Penny (YOU SO CLEVER, TD BANK! HOW DO YOU EVEN DEAL??!!) who narrates the whole experience. (Not Penny from The Rescuers, sadly--I guess since she's an orphan who got kidnapped to look for blood diamonds that would be depressing.)

"HI, I'M PENNY!" she basically yells from the screen, so that all of the responsible adults at the bank who are not carrying tube socks full of nickels on their person look at you pityingly. "ARE YOU READY TO COUNT SOME COINS TODAY?!"

This is the point when you stop looking like an idiot and start looking like a crackhead, because you cannot push the "OK" button fast or hard enough to skip through Penny's interminably long and enthusiastic monologue.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW TO--"

[Pounding button] Yes, bitch! Shut up and count my change!

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO GUESS--"

[Blindly tossing coins into slot] No, dammit, I already know the prize for guessing the total is a Men's XXL t-shirt that has basically no street value. 

"WHEN YOU'RE READY, PUSH THE BUTTON--"

Bitch, I been pushing that shit for days! I need my fix!

Then, once you get your receipt for some embarrassing sum like $6.12, you have to wait in line for the teller, who counts out the bills into your sweaty, shaking palm, taking in your empty sock and shifty eyes and looking  around hopefully for the prop child that you probably should have thought to bring with you as a decoy and for moral support.

Children are so much less judgy.
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16 comments :

  1. I did this yesterday.
    This is my life.

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  2. OMG my husband and I do this all the time! lol I take my 3 children with me, cause yeah so less judgy.

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  3. LOL! I do this way too often. We also get cash for recycling cans, I do that too.

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  4. I totally do this but take our change to our bank and therefore, have not yet encountered Penny. Although, I will tell you that even without Penny it's equally as embarrassing. The one at our bank is conveniently located in the lobby, so that everyone can see you pouring your change in (and putting it in again and again while arguing with it when the machine doesn't recognize some coins). :-|

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  5. I always took the kids with me and pretended that I was teaching them how to cash in their "savings".

    And what's with the option to donate your change? Bitch, if I wanted to donate my change, I'd find someone to give it to. I wouldn't be here listening to the annoying girl if I didn't need the money!

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  6. I don't get a narrator at the coin star I go to. I know what you mean though. I wish they would tuck the coinstar away in some secluded corner.

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  7. That's why I had kids. And for getting the remote.

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  8. Leslie3:35 PM

    Maybe it would be more fun if Penny were the Penny from "Pee Wee's Playhouse" cartoons. She seemed more down to earth, and less pretentious.

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  9. It's way less embarrassing than paying for groceries in nickles and pennies. I've been there. Actually, I'm there now.

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  10. a hot dog vendor turned me down when I tried to pay him in an amalgamation of coins. his excuse "I will end up losing those so they are of no use to me" It was a low point. I vowed never to buy from him ever. I am sure he missed my business.

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  11. Anonymous9:16 PM

    Holy Crap, Girl, they are not paying you enough. Ask for a raise. Right now. Go. I am frickin waiting.

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  12. (Wiping the tears from laughing so hard)

    Thank goodness Portuguese banks haven't discovered those evil contraptions yet!

    Over here, we just make the teller's day a living hell by depositing all the coins we gathered since birth at the counter, the way God intended it!

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  13. It wouldn't be so bad if it were Penny from Inspector Gadget; although the pluses of her calling you Brain might be outweighed by the minus if anyone else knows the he's a dog.

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  14. i use the one at my bank all the time.i dont feel weird useing it.they dont do the role things anymore that you give to your bank.so when you got a lot of change you gotta get rid of it somehow.you always get change shoping it seems if you pay in cash.so you gotta do something with it.no shame in it

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  15. OMG what a post and to top it off, that comment about an uppidity hot dog vendor!!!!

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