Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Belated Emmy Fashion Throwdown

I was so not prepared for awards season to start, you guys. I've been mostly off the grid since Friday, and so I didn't even learn until this morning that over the weekend PARIS HILTON TRIED TO HIDE A BAG OF COCAINE IN HER VAGINA. It's like I don't even know me anymore.

Anyway, for this year's installment of the Fashion Throwdown I don't have a historical poem parody ready and, as much as I am loving the brain-meltingly bad second season of Jersey Shore (will Sammi and Ron-Ron smush off into the sunset? Will Pauly D. ever stop looking like he's caught in a wind-tunnel full of nitrous oxide and Dippity Do?) I'm not quite prepared to beat up the beat.

So what I'm saying is that our walk down the rocky road of red carpet fashion today is going to be little vanilla*.

*See what I did there? Rocky Road? Vanilla? I am making ICE CREAM PUNS. Is it drinking time yet?

Okay, first of all, can we talk about Sally Draper (aka Kiernan Shipka?) She looks pretty and lovely and age-appropriate, like a Madame Alexander doll. Which is refreshing given that the 3 year-old Guidice girl on RHONJ could already be mistaken for a Cher impersonator.


But there's something so "COME PLAY WITH US, DANNY!" about her character that she scares me every time I see her. At least she's not with that creepy kid from the show who looks like an even more miniature Peter Lorre. Shudder. Moving on.

Going through the photos from the red carpet (all ganked from Jezebel, by the way) I noticed that most people stuck to a few categories:

NOT-SO-BASIC BLACK


They say you're not supposed to do short and sleeveless and tight all at once, but does Heidi give a shit? Nein, motherfuckers. She's been kissed by a rose on the grave (or, maybe, gray, although that makes less sense--enunciate, Seal!)... and the boobs.


Mindy Kaling from The Office does Mad Men-style retro glam. The dress dwarfs her a little, but I dig the Pebbles Flintstone 'do.


Anna Paquin's McQueen is striking and severe. While I'm not generally a fan of singling out the breasts as pieces of flair, the gold is my favorite part of this. The black part is underwhelming and not very flattering.


Oh, Lorelai. Your Sad Panda costume is on wrong.

THE PURPLE NURPLES

(And I'm not using the word nurple just because of Joan's luscious jugs.)

When I first saw my BFF Christina Hendricks on E!'s red carpet special, I blogged that she was wearing a dress "possibly made out of Grimace from McDonaldland." I see now I was wrong -- it's actually Mokey, from Fraggle Rock. But actually, even with the fringe I like this. It's different and sexy. And her amazing body takes center stage.


It is actually this dress for which Grimace died. Sure, he was just a butt plug-shaped simpleton sidekick to Ronald McDonald, but according to his Wikipedia entry, Grimace was also a ham radio enthusiast who once made a homemade transmitter from a colander. What a waste, Emily Deschanel. What a waste.


Jane Lynch looked downright regal in eggplant, although I would have loved to see her rock a black tie track suit in honor of Sue Sylvester.


Loyal readers know that Ms. Blunt here is on my shit list for marrying John Krasinski and thus cementing the fact that Pam and Jim cannot be together in real life (I have kind of a... problem with becoming emotionally involved with fictional characters. I should probably tell you now that "Jeff" is actually a Japanese body pillow.) Anyway, I'm predisposed not to like what she's wearing, and guess what? I don't. The color is gorgeous, but I don't get the cascade of broken plate shards.

Just one shade and a few smile lines away from the Purple Nurples were...

THE FINE AGED WINES


Julia Ormond looks kind of sloppy, like maybe she slept in her gown in a van by the river the night before. BUT. She is so pretty, and the fact that she's aging naturally and beautifully is inspiring (especially to someone who once got into a bar without ID based on her crow's feet.)


Kyra looks like a million bucks, she's married to KevBac, and I want to go fall sleep in the soft cocoons of her skirt. She wins at life.

THE BLUE BALLS...ER, BELLES


Last year I hated on Jan-Jo's albino Wonder Woman dress a little bit. But this year I think she looks fierce. I like that she's so risky with her fashion. It almost makes up for the fact that she plays Betty Draper with the personality and warmth of a piece of plywood.

The Glee girls also looked fab in navy:


Jayma Mays is so cute, and I like saying her name: "Jayyyyyyyyyy-ma." If you say it enough times it sounds like you're a Southern toddler asking for fruit preserves.


My favorite kind of Ruffles are deep-fried and salted, but Lea Michele makes a case for the fabric kind in this diva-esque Oscar de la Renta.

SPARKLE MOTION


Claire Danes looks great and all, but when exactly did she morph into Joan Allen?


Connie Britton is gittin 'er done in this totally un-boring navy column. She does look like she's holding something--snacks, maybe--between her butt cheeks, but beauty is pain, dahhhhlings!


Heather Morris (aka Brittany) is my favorite Glee character ("Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?"), so it's nice to see her looking so fabulous. This much shine can be overwhelming, but the black band reins it in and makes it classy.

Not looking so classy was Rita Wilson:


She looks like one of those fake white Christmas trees purchased by the kinds of people who don't allow red wine in their house (read: my enemies). According to the Internet, this is Prada. According to my eyes, this is the product of a Project Runway lighting design store challenge that Lifetime left on the cutting-room floor. The only acceptable explanation for this is that Rita is en route to a costume party dressed as Ms. Chanda Lear.

FUNNY-LOOKIN' FUNNY LADIES


Tina!You look so hot! But I can't read your dress hieroglyphics. I'm all for statement gowns, but the statement probably shouldn't be written in Wingdings.


Kristin is gorgeous and the dress itself isn't even that bad from the clavicle down. But those loofahs on her shoulders are bizarre, and I feel like they throw the proportions off. It looks like she's swimming in that thing.

NEUTRAL NELLIES


In my liveblog I wrote that Elisabeth Moss' gown had a giant skin tag. I was wrong; it has two giant skin tags--the train and the shoulder poof. Then again, this dress looks to be made out of those sheets that feel like soft, worn-in tee-shirts, so I must give it a pass.


Woah! Toni Collette is standing in a field against a gray-blue sky. But! She is also on the red carpet at the Emmys! How is that possible? Is she some kind of time-traveling demon spawn? Is she wrapped in a Constable panting? I think the smug look on the sparkly lady in the background says it all: "Damn! I look better than Toni Collette!"

Phew! I forgot how time-consuming this is. Thank God I have five months or so until the Globes to get back in shape--all this cutting and pasting is whaling on my, um, finger muscles. Anyway, I know I couldn't cover everyone, so sound off in the comments!
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22 comments :

  1. I'm not very into watching the red carpet, I don't check on famous people too much, naturally I had no idea who half these people are- but your descriptions of their attire was pretty good ...

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  2. Thank you, Summer, for that incredibly lukewarm praise :) I'll take what I can get.

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  3. Sweet Jesus, she stashed it in her vagina? I am going straight to google after this.
    Also, re: Sally Draper, you are so dead on with her nightmarish movies possibilities. She's awesome, though.

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  4. This was a thoroughly enjoyable fashion recap Sassy. Nice work! Although I'm still not a fan of the blue balls dress.

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com

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  5. Hooray for age-appropriate! Maybe we won't watch the Dakota Fanning generation go the way-too-much-vagina-way that the Paris Hilton and Britney Spears generation took. Maybe...

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  6. Paris is a coke head??!!! whats next? your gonna tell me that Sookie (Ana) really cant read minds.. *gasp*

    Totally dug her dress though :)

    www.thedramaticcomedyofmylife.blogspot.com

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  7. Betsy8:18 PM

    Miniature Peter Lorre is actually Matt Weiner's son. "But wait," you ask, "wouldn't that mean he puts his ten year old son in sexually charged scenes with 30 year old women?" Yes. That is what I mean.

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  8. Paris apparently told the authorities she thought it was GUM. I can't tell you how many times I've mistaken my gum for cocaine and tried to snort it. Bad idea. Bubbles hurt your sinuses.

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  9. Just as I was about to be bummed that I came to the end of your fashion funnies, I got to have an encore chuckle at your response to Summer's comment. You just don't quit! Skin tags? Loofas? (Oh, and the vagina ferreting) It's all so brilliantly comical! You blow those tabloid "fashion don't" commentators out of the water. I can't wait for the Globes!

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  10. Did she really try to hide it in her vag? I thought it just slipped out of her purse when she was getting lip balm, at least that's what I heard. Paris, you had it coming!

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  11. Does Hiedi care? Nien motherfuckers!

    Oh, how I just loved this post! My mother and I used to watch every SINGLE red carpet event when I was still at home and this reminded me of her. Thank you for this, I am going to read it again, and again, and again...

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  12. OMG, Wingdings! You're killing me over here! ha ha ha ha ha

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  13. I think I love you more for your willy-nilly quoting and/or appropriating of fabulous TV shows -- I caught "House" and my favorite Chris Farley character in there.

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  14. but I love Emily Blunt's dress! Too harsh, too harsh. Get over it girl!!

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  15. I also have a problem disassociating tv couples from real life couples. To the point where I read
    Where you said that Jon Krazinski married someone else (which I did not know) and gasped out loud. Wah, boo, and the like.

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  16. Best dressed of the night, I think, were Sofia Vergara and Lea Michele. Both put together perfectly.

    Did you see that one woman with the white dress toward the end of the show who was about to fall out of her strapless number? I cannot think of her name, but every eye in our livingroom focused on her boobs, just waiting for a full view of nipplage.

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  17. forget pam and jim together in real life i want to marry jim in real life! and how dissapointing is christina hendricks dress!! shes so beautiful and THATS what she puts on!?

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  18. I love the Mokey reference from Fraggle Rock.

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  19. the outfits are all ok to me even the purple ones.ok maybe the little black poofy things on the one womans shoulders was a bit much but all in all i like the outfits.you must like to crtic things but your comments were funny

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  20. Where was Sofia Vergara? :( She looked beautiful! So did Lea Michele, even if she is a little snooty diva.

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  21. I know I'm in the minority, but I actually loved Toni Collete's dress. I also think everything would be better if it were set in the regency period.

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  22. I LOVED THIS RECAP. I will probably be fired for now saying "Nein, motherfuckers!" at inappropriate times.

    I do agree with Constar's comment about Christina Hendricks--she's got such a gorgeous hair/skin tone combo and she puts on Grandmother's Curtains Meets the Shredder? Sigh.

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