Anyway, for this year's installment of the Fashion Throwdown I don't have a historical poem parody ready and, as much as I am loving the brain-meltingly bad second season of Jersey Shore (will Sammi and Ron-Ron smush off into the sunset? Will Pauly D. ever stop looking like he's caught in a wind-tunnel full of nitrous oxide and Dippity Do?) I'm not quite prepared to beat up the beat.
So what I'm saying is that our walk down the rocky road of red carpet fashion today is going to be little vanilla*.
*See what I did there? Rocky Road? Vanilla? I am making ICE CREAM PUNS. Is it drinking time yet?
Okay, first of all, can we talk about Sally Draper (aka Kiernan Shipka?) She looks pretty and lovely and age-appropriate, like a Madame Alexander doll. Which is refreshing given that the 3 year-old Guidice girl on RHONJ could already be mistaken for a Cher impersonator.
But there's something so "COME PLAY WITH US, DANNY!" about her character that she scares me every time I see her. At least she's not with that creepy kid from the show who looks like an even more miniature Peter Lorre. Shudder. Moving on.
Going through the photos from the red carpet (all ganked from Jezebel, by the way) I noticed that most people stuck to a few categories:
They say you're not supposed to do short and sleeveless and tight all at once, but does Heidi give a shit? Nein, motherfuckers. She's been kissed by a rose on the grave (or, maybe, gray, although that makes less sense--enunciate, Seal!)... and the boobs.
Mindy Kaling from The Office does Mad Men-style retro glam. The dress dwarfs her a little, but I dig the Pebbles Flintstone 'do.
Anna Paquin's McQueen is striking and severe. While I'm not generally a fan of singling out the breasts as pieces of flair, the gold is my favorite part of this. The black part is underwhelming and not very flattering.
Oh, Lorelai. Your Sad Panda costume is on wrong.
THE PURPLE NURPLES
(And I'm not using the word nurple just because of Joan's luscious jugs.)
When I first saw my BFF Christina Hendricks on E!'s red carpet special, I blogged that she was wearing a dress "possibly made out of Grimace from McDonaldland." I see now I was wrong -- it's actually Mokey, from Fraggle Rock. But actually, even with the fringe I like this. It's different and sexy. And her amazing body takes center stage.
It is actually this dress for which Grimace died. Sure, he was just a butt plug-shaped simpleton sidekick to Ronald McDonald, but according to his Wikipedia entry, Grimace was also a ham radio enthusiast who once made a homemade transmitter from a colander. What a waste, Emily Deschanel. What a waste.
Jane Lynch looked downright regal in eggplant, although I would have loved to see her rock a black tie track suit in honor of Sue Sylvester.
Loyal readers know that Ms. Blunt here is on my shit list for marrying John Krasinski and thus cementing the fact that Pam and Jim cannot be together in real life (I have kind of a... problem with becoming emotionally involved with fictional characters. I should probably tell you now that "Jeff" is actually a Japanese body pillow.) Anyway, I'm predisposed not to like what she's wearing, and guess what? I don't. The color is gorgeous, but I don't get the cascade of broken plate shards.
Just one shade and a few smile lines away from the Purple Nurples were...
THE FINE AGED WINES
Julia Ormond looks kind of sloppy, like maybe she slept in her gown in a van by the river the night before. BUT. She is so pretty, and the fact that she's aging naturally and beautifully is inspiring (especially to someone who once got into a bar without ID based on her crow's feet.)
Kyra looks like a million bucks, she's married to KevBac, and I want to go fall sleep in the soft cocoons of her skirt. She wins at life.
THE BLUE BALLS...ER, BELLES
Last year I hated on Jan-Jo's albino Wonder Woman dress a little bit. But this year I think she looks fierce. I like that she's so risky with her fashion. It almost makes up for the fact that she plays Betty Draper with the personality and warmth of a piece of plywood.
The Glee girls also looked fab in navy:
Jayma Mays is so cute, and I like saying her name: "Jayyyyyyyyyy-ma." If you say it enough times it sounds like you're a Southern toddler asking for fruit preserves.
My favorite kind of Ruffles are deep-fried and salted, but Lea Michele makes a case for the fabric kind in this diva-esque Oscar de la Renta.
Claire Danes looks great and all, but when exactly did she morph into Joan Allen?
Connie Britton is gittin 'er done in this totally un-boring navy column. She does look like she's holding something--snacks, maybe--between her butt cheeks, but beauty is pain, dahhhhlings!
Heather Morris (aka Brittany) is my favorite Glee character ("Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?"), so it's nice to see her looking so fabulous. This much shine can be overwhelming, but the black band reins it in and makes it classy.
Not looking so classy was Rita Wilson:
She looks like one of those fake white Christmas trees purchased by the kinds of people who don't allow red wine in their house (read: my enemies). According to the Internet, this is Prada. According to my eyes, this is the product of a Project Runway lighting design store challenge that Lifetime left on the cutting-room floor. The only acceptable explanation for this is that Rita is en route to a costume party dressed as Ms. Chanda Lear.
FUNNY-LOOKIN' FUNNY LADIES
Tina!You look so hot! But I can't read your dress hieroglyphics. I'm all for statement gowns, but the statement probably shouldn't be written in Wingdings.
Kristin is gorgeous and the dress itself isn't even that bad from the clavicle down. But those loofahs on her shoulders are bizarre, and I feel like they throw the proportions off. It looks like she's swimming in that thing.
In my liveblog I wrote that Elisabeth Moss' gown had a giant skin tag. I was wrong; it has two giant skin tags--the train and the shoulder poof. Then again, this dress looks to be made out of those sheets that feel like soft, worn-in tee-shirts, so I must give it a pass.
Woah! Toni Collette is standing in a field against a gray-blue sky. But! She is also on the red carpet at the Emmys! How is that possible? Is she some kind of time-traveling demon spawn? Is she wrapped in a Constable panting? I think the smug look on the sparkly lady in the background says it all: "Damn! I look better than Toni Collette!"
Phew! I forgot how time-consuming this is. Thank God I have five months or so until the Globes to get back in shape--all this cutting and pasting is whaling on my, um, finger muscles. Anyway, I know I couldn't cover everyone, so sound off in the comments!