Tuesday, August 3, 2010

What I Did Over My Summer Vacation, or The One Where I Test-Drive The Wine Rack

Hey, guys, I'm back from vacation!


But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's rewind.

As you know -- since I blogged and Tweeted and posted on Facebook about it approximately every five seconds since I discovered that it existed, my eyes swelling with tears and my esophagus shuddering with what was either pleasure or gag reflex -- I recently purchased The Wine Rack.

The before-and-after photos were pretty seductive. I mean, who wants to be sad with no boobs when you could be drinking and showing off your tanned, rippling abs at the same time? (Also, suddenly your jeans time-travel from 1992 to 2010 and you get a sweet belt!)


Unfortunately, as I found out this weekend, the road from before to after does not run smooth. (Also, I can't get any darker than the color of uncooked shrimp. It's genetic. And also, the belt? False advertising.)


But to answer your burning questions -- Did it work? Was it awesome? -- I must borrow a phrase from multi-platinum artist and noted crack detractor Whitney Houston: Hell to the no.

I have to admit that I was not optimistic, hence my purchase of a bottle of cheap rose I could easily stand to waste:


It all started off OK. Despite the sports bra being extremely snug, the colostomy bag full of White Zinfandel slid in easily enough...



But when I tried to drink from the attached catheter/bicycle pump, I found I had my work cut out for me. No amount of sucking (and trust, I was sucking hard, which unfortunately my mother witnessed and can back me up on) would move the wine up the tube -- I actually had to milk myself by pushing on my boob...


...Which back-fired when I lowered my arm and gravity sent wine shooting out all over me. (Note that despite my angry, confused expression I am still fondling myself.)


Once I had determined that for actually drinking wine, the Wine Rack is useless, I lightened up.


Another thumbs down: I soon realized, after my enthusiastic milking, that the wine did not flow easily between the breast-sized chambers of the plastic bag attachment. In the end, I had one ripe, Zinfandel-filled chesticle and one withered, empty one.


And I was sober.

So, to recap:

Wine Rack : $29.95
Barefoot White Zinfandel: $7
Your dignity: Eh.
Photos of your folly to last a lifetime: Priceless Well, actually, free, since it's digital.

P.S. Jeff thinks I should give away to Wine Rack to one of you guys, but I think that's mean. It smells like cheap wine and desperation.

P.P.S. Doesn't this make you want me to send me a free sample, Pajama Jeans manufacturer? DOESN'T IT????
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41 comments :

  1. In the time it took to set that up, I could have chugged the entire bottle of wine and THOUGHT I had a terrific wine rack. And moved on to the Chocolate-dipped Strawberries Thigh Pack.

    Thanks for this important Consumer Advisory.

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  2. OMG I laughed so hard that I literally started choking on my own saliva (now there's a picture!)!!

    I applaud your courage in modelling the Wine Rack. I think you make a more-convincing pouter in the before shot.

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  3. OK, I always laugh at your posts, but this one seriously takes it.

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  4. it was worth leaving late for work to read this. AMAZING.

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  5. Dude seriously? I'm sorry but you look like you had a blast at least :) And you look happy and great by the way! :)

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  6. I missed my daily laugh while you were gone. Glad to have you back!! Too bad about the wine rack. It had a lot of potential...

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  7. Dude Pajama Jeans are the bomb. I got a pair a few weeks ago and since have decided summer sucks because I want to be able to wear them around instead of shorts. They're super comfy and pretty flattering too. Just warm. Buy some. For reals.

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  8. This was a fun read! Thanks for the smile!

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  9. So glad you took one for the team and test drove this for us.

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  10. Thank You so Very Much. I eagerly awaited the presentation of the Wine Rack and you did not disappoint even though it did. Milking yourself and ending up with wine in your mouth is not the worst thing that could happen, is it?

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  11. Love this post! I am a little sad that the Wine Rack didn't work though. Thanks for sacrificing the bottle of wine to try it out.

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  12. Dying, dying, dying. Thank you. Too funny!

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  13. You look hot in those jeans and top...who knew..

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  14. Hilarious!

    You're a funny and brave girl.

    Oh - and my word verification is "unnie" in tribute to you.

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  15. thanks for trying..now i know stuff that doesnt work..lol

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  16. "I cannot get any darker than the color of uncooked shimp." So funny, along with the rest of the post.

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  17. good work...i'm proud of you for trying!
    katie

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  18. OMG!!! the pictures....hahahahaha!!!!!! brave on the verge of sheer insanity, I love it!!!

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  19. Hopefully the manufacturer reads this exemplary review and improves their product, because I kinda sorta really want one. If it worked properly, it'd be so awesome to take to the movies! And in the winter you could fill it with hot toddy. WARM BOOBIES!

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  20. I love the little logo on the bra. Thanks for taking pictures to show us all!!!

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  21. Amazing! Who would ever have thought that attempting to hide one's love of alcohol by concealing it in the recesses of a sports bra could possibly end unsatisfactorily? Oh...wait...it sounds like a loaded question when one puts it that way...

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  22. OMG, this made my Tuesday 200% better! Hilarious!!

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  23. You definately deserve free pajama jeans after the epic fail of the wine rack...but it did make for some excellent blogging!

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  24. Your most titallating post to date...

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  25. Funny stuff! That your mom was witness to the test drive makes this all the more entertaining! Too bad the wine rack was real bust : )

    The world needs more of your product demos in defense of all that 'As Seen on TV' crap the infomercials are hawking.

    Welcome back!!

    www.rantersbox.blogspot.com

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  26. Yes the Wine Rack would have been a swell gift for "US Guys". The cheap wine, I have no problem with, The Desperation,..uhm,well, Not so much. I have enough of that already, Thank You Very Much. Good to have you back SC!

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  27. After a good 45 minute bedtime screaming tantrum (my child's, not mine though I was really eager to join in), I nearly spit up my limeade when I read this post! Honestly, you just slay me! And the thought of you milking yourself for rose to no avail is just the hilarious gift that keeps on giving!

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  28. I bet Consumer Reports would be interested in this case study of the "Wine Rack." When I first heard of this on your blog I was suckered in by the "Oh boo hoo, I'm all flat and sober" and then viola! The Wine Rack and I'm all "Hey! I'm buxom and drunk!" but now I know the real truth. Lopsided, self-fondling, messy-with-spilled-wine and sober. NO THANK YOU WINE RACK!

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  29. She's baaaaack!

    And oh my goodness...what a post! Thanks for the laugh!! This reminds me of the Will and Grace episode where Grace used the water filled bra....then sprung a leak!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXz447fOplo

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  30. Gotta give ya props for going through with something that was surely doomed to fail from the get go...and posting the pictures was just gold, gold I tell ya.

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  31. So to be honest, pale women=my favorite. I don't know what it is about pale women. I don't know why everybody wants to be tan. Then you have tan lines, and drivers arm, and all that crap.

    Just think of it this way, it's much better than being orange, and tons and tons of the best painters EVER (Michelangelo, etc) painted their women super white.

    This post is hilarious, and I really really hope you send the whine rack people these pictures. Totally better than the girl who gets magic-super-cool-belt.

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  32. hahaha...that was freaking hilarious

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  33. Bahahaha. Amazing.

    I was trying to figure out why your hair is wet. Pre-rack wine mishap????

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  34. Skin the color of uncooked shrimp looks good on you!

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  35. This would go perfectly with my beer hat, beer belt, boot flask and hip flask outfit. This outfit should always be worn with edible remote controlled vibrating undies for maximum fun! Haha I love it.

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  36. AAAAAH-hahahahaha. That was a fantastic idea, and I know way too many women who could appreciate one of those chesticles, were it to actually work. Probably a good thing it doesn't or the office would have a bunch of staggerers and the lines in the bathroom would just get longer. Thank you thank you for the expose.

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  37. Haha, this makes me wonder what the male equivalent would be...

    Love your post, had no idea such incredibly sucky technology existed, but it sure is fun watching it fail!

    Follow for sure.

    Single Dad Laughing

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  38. Hey Sassy -

    Hope you had a great vacation...

    Love that you bought the wine rack. Totally hysterical.

    I linked this as part of my Friday Five at Kate's Library!

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  39. What is that? I still don't get the idea of putting in your chest. But I admit, it looks so good in a beautiful girl like her.

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  40. awesome, you are very cool, maybe you can try vacation to bali, i think bali is a beautiful island :)

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  41. You look hot in those jeans and top. Thanks for taking time to post this.

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