Hey, guys, I'm back from vacation!
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's rewind.
As you know -- since I blogged and Tweeted and posted on Facebook about it approximately every five seconds since I discovered that it existed, my eyes swelling with tears and my esophagus shuddering with what was either pleasure or gag reflex -- I recently purchased The Wine Rack.
The before-and-after photos were pretty seductive. I mean, who wants to be sad with no boobs when you could be drinking and showing off your tanned, rippling abs at the same time? (Also, suddenly your jeans time-travel from 1992 to 2010 and you get a sweet belt!)
Unfortunately, as I found out this weekend, the road from before to after does not run smooth. (Also, I can't get any darker than the color of uncooked shrimp. It's genetic. And also, the belt? False advertising.)
But to answer your burning questions -- Did it work? Was it awesome? -- I must borrow a phrase from multi-platinum artist and noted crack detractor Whitney Houston: Hell to the no.
I have to admit that I was not optimistic, hence my purchase of a bottle of cheap rose I could easily stand to waste:
It all started off OK. Despite the sports bra being extremely snug, the colostomy bag full of White Zinfandel slid in easily enough...
But when I tried to drink from the attached catheter/bicycle pump, I found I had my work cut out for me. No amount of sucking (and trust, I was sucking hard, which unfortunately my mother witnessed and can back me up on) would move the wine up the tube -- I actually had to milk myself by pushing on my boob...
...Which back-fired when I lowered my arm and gravity sent wine shooting out all over me. (Note that despite my angry, confused expression I am still fondling myself.)
Once I had determined that for actually drinking wine, the Wine Rack is useless, I lightened up.
Another thumbs down: I soon realized, after my enthusiastic milking, that the wine did not flow easily between the breast-sized chambers of the plastic bag attachment. In the end, I had one ripe, Zinfandel-filled chesticle and one withered, empty one.
And I was sober.
So, to recap:
Wine Rack : $29.95
Barefoot White Zinfandel: $7
Your dignity: Eh.
Photos of your folly to last a lifetime: Priceless Well, actually, free, since it's digital.
P.S. Jeff thinks I should give away to Wine Rack to one of you guys, but I think that's mean. It smells like cheap wine and desperation.
P.P.S. Doesn't this make you want me to send me a free sample, Pajama Jeans manufacturer? DOESN'T IT????