Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I Will Never Live Up To Steven Slater

Well, guys, it’s time to quit our jobs.

I mean, we have to – it’s a pop culture phenomenon this week. It’s trending on Twitter. We have to strike while the iron is hot, and before we remember that we already owe enough money on our mortgages and credit cards that if we lived in the Middle Ages we would probably be dying of typhoid in debtor’s prison right now.

It all started, of course, with Steven Slater, the JetBlue flight attendant and most amazing airplane hero since Chelsey “Sully” Sullenberger, who cursed out a rude passenger via intercom, grabbed a few beers, and made a slow clap-worthy getaway using the emergency landing slide. This settles once and for all that the majority of people with the surname Slater are awesome (argument for: Christian; argument against: A.C.).

 
 This man takes full advantage of the exit row.

Then – although this turned out to be a hoax – photos of a pretty girl quitting her broker job via a series of dry erase board messages* went viral.

*She “quit” because her boss called her a HOPA, or “hot piece of ass.” Um, shouldn’t that be HPOA? I’m confused.

I myself have never been able to live the dream of quitting a terrible job in a heroic fashion.

When I was in college I worked for a few months in the campus center, refilling potato salad and greasy wax beans and cleaning up the Belgian waffle station (and seriously, guys, if the future of mankind depended on being able to make a waffle without dripping half of the batter on the counter in the process, we would be fucked.)

Anyway, I didn’t like it, so I took to taking (yeah, “took to taking.” I’m a wordsmith, what can I say?) extended smoke breaks in front of the building – directly beneath my boss’ window, in fact – while still wearing my uniform. I got fired and stole a few loaves of bread. It was totally lame.

Right after college I got a job as the assistant to a film producer. I worked out of her home – specifically out of her 10 year-old daughter’s bedroom. Her very openly gay husband didn’t work and spent all day at the gym. The producer was a real bitch, so after two months I told her I couldn’t hack it. “I’m having a really rough time in my life right now,” I said. “Maybe you should consider waitressing,” she said. “Maybe you should consider marrying someone who doesn't subscribe to Butt magazine!" I said. No, I didn't. I slunk away and licked my wounds.

The only time I came close to revenge was when I left a publishing job a few years ago. I told my bosses about another offer I’d received, allowed them to counter (they didn’t), and gave two weeks’ notice like a decent person. Then I heard that the CEO had referred to me as a “fucking cunt.”

I anonymously reported him to the IRS.

He never got audited though. So it was kind of a revenge fail in the end.

Hence the title of this post.
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16 comments :

  1. i remember the story about the CEO calling you that!!!! idiot!!!!! you are like a hero to me! seriously! you are wonderful! =) you're right. you don't live up to steven slater, you go like waaaay freakin above him!

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  2. I like to believe there's a special place in hell for douchebags like the CEO, and Butt Magazine subscriber's indulgent wifey. I worked for a crazy film producer in LA too, and his crazy wife (I have a blog post about it that reveals the disturbing situation that was my "job"). Sometimes I day dream about how I should have told him off, then I get steamed up and want to punch someone, and then I decide (hope) that karma will have it's way eventually, and the d-bags of the world will meet with their demise. Keep the faith, Sassy!

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  3. I was recently fired due to my blogging, as you know, and in hindsight I probably just should've quit but there may just be a little satisfaction in knowing what they read about themselves written by moi prior to my exit. Mostly though I just should've quit...

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  4. My jobs have not sucked as bad as all that. But I love your stories. I'll just continue to live vicariously through you. And PLEASE keep doing your P Run updates...I love them. You are spot on, I love your recaps!!! Keep keepin' it real, Sassy C! (potential DJ name?)

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  5. what the hellno he called you THAT? can't wear flipflops to work but the headhoncho can call exiting employees derogatory names.
    there's a book you can get to create your own wacky names... like "panty booger" and the like lol
    must find this book... wonder if the library carrys it...
    or like the word verification at the bottom of this commenty box "bonalsub" that sounds angry and insulting... in some language.
    Lets make it happen!

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  6. Haha! I recently lost my very bad job due to my blogging habits as well and seriously I should have quit a long time ago...bleh. I've often thought about my exit, although filled with a lot of yelling and finger pointing in the office, wasn't nearly as cool as Mr. Slater's was. I did get a bit of revenge though, if you call collecting unemployment and extending it as long as possible revenge, ha! Gee, maybe next time you decide to fire a good and loyal employee just because you don't like them, perhaps you should actually fire them for a policy violation...hmmm...seeing as though blogging about how crappy your job is...uh, didn't! LOL! I love it!

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  7. Wow, what a douche that ex-boss is. My worst was when I quit some crappy reception job because the boss was clearly a demon, but forgot that i'd left a stick-figure drawing of her burning up inside the building. Then, I had to go to the police station to ensure them that I was not, in fact, an arsonist with a grudge. The cop showed me the drawing and quizzed me on my ability to draw a circle. Apparently, a nice circle means you're a psychopath.

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  8. I'm 61 and almost got fired from a crappy minimum wage job in Yellowstone Park. I was venting on my blog...expressed my desire to smash one of the manager's heads into a computer monitor...was just joking, really...I am a senior citizen (when it's convenient.) I had already given two weeks notice and couldn't really leave any earlier, but I wish I had been able to go out in a little more style. In real life, most of us chicken out. I guess I should be proud that I can still piss people off at my age. Keep up the good work.

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  9. I knew a costume shop manager who was working for a particularly difficult costume designer with an Emmy (which was kept prominently displayed at at times). At the end of a very frustrating week the shop manager took the Emmy to the bathroom, gave it a swirlie, and put it back in its prominently displayed resting place. The designer was never the wiser.

    Not really a fired story, but awesome nonetheless.

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  10. I had no idea this was the week to quit your job, but it doesn't matter because I'm still unemployed!

    I feel you on the heroic exit-- I really wish I had done something like that when I worked at Rita's water ice when I was 15, but I just skulked away after being let go. That job sucked!

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  11. As a customer service rep, Steven Slater is probably my favourite person ever. Sadly, all my "blaze of glory" fantasies of quitting shitty jobs have remained fantasies. I'm always polite, diplomatic, and give two week's notice.
    Though I did quit my first job in junior high because they wouldn't give me the time off to go to the INXS concert. And this was when Michael Hutchence was still alive, so... obviously I had to quit.

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  12. i quit my job in the midst of a mini nervous breakdown two weeks ago. so am i terribly uncool or was i ahead of the trend?

    either way, having to work at a job you absolutely hate is horrible, and i think it's even worse in this economy, since we're all terrified of not having a job.

    i've decided my crappy part time job was not worth the headache, and thankfully my husband has income, so if we eat nothing but, like, pasta and kraft dinner for a while, we should be good.

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  13. And this is why being self-employed is the best fun. Seriously. Noon and I'm still not dressed.

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  14. I did leave one job with panache. I was 15 working at a pizza place with a creepy manager. I knew something was seriously wrong with this guy (read: PERVERT) I lived about eight blocks away and would walk home every night. He followed me home one night, idling along in his pervert-mobile. I keep screaming at him to leave me alone and so on until I lost it and whipped a quart glass Snapple bottle at him. I did miss him but put one helluva sweet dent in the side of his car. I'm not really sure if I got fired or quit. Three weeks later he got knocked out with a baseball bat by a lady whose apartment he had broken into and tried to fondle her.

    I always knew something was freaking weird about that guy.

    Anyway, keep up the fabulous posts

    Thank-you Sassy!

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  15. Omg, your hysterical. I completely feel you (and all of your other commenter’s regarding D-Bagg bosses.. etc. I currently hate my boss. I openly tell him that I hope he gets struck by lightning. Probably not the wisest thing to do. but I cant help myself sometimes.

    Great Blog

    Keep it up~ Pavla
    www.thedramaticcomedyofmylife.blogspot.com
    check me out.. you might get a laugh or two my expense :)

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  16. Well, I certainly didn't want to quit my job, but I guess I better before they discover my own blogging naughtiness. Haha.

    The world is full of douche bags for bosses. I'm lucky cause I get to be that douche bag boss and my own boss is pretty awesome.

    In all seriousness, I don't blog on the job, but I sure wish I could. What I need to do is catch my boss wasting ridiculous amounts of time online so that I can then justify it!

    Single Dad Laughing

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