Saturday, August 28, 2010

Curmudgeon of the Week: Wronged Me Today

He had me at Statler and Waldorf...


Name: P. Fenton Cosgrove (Yeah, Google that obscure reference) of Wronged Me Today.

Age: Technically 26, but by all accounts, I’m an old man already. In fact, I can’t fucking wait until I’m old enough for it be socially acceptable (and perhaps even expected) to be an even bigger asshole.

Provenance: Boston, MA. Pretty much one of the most unfriendly places ever. No one makes eye contact when you walk around the city and don’t even think about smiling at someone. My friend says it’s our hatred of each other that keeps us together.

Occupation: Well, I complain like it’s my job…

When did you first self-identify as a curmudgeon? I don’t think I really embraced it until a couple of years ago. However, according to my friends and family, I was always a curmudgeon. Letting it all out now is just kind of cathartic.

Who’s the curmudgeon (living or dead, historical or contemporary) you most identify with and why? I should say Statler and Waldorf because they are my pseudo-mascots of choice. However, in reality, it has to be Larry David. His combination of chagrin, anger, whininess, and his inability to let anything go fits me to a T. I feel like if he were to write a blog, it might look something like mine. Of course, he’s legitimately funny and extraordinary successful, so who the fuck am I kidding?

What do you hate that other people inexplicably love? Fun.

You are Dante. What, in order from least to most excruciating, are your nine circles of hell?

1. Celine Dion. Seriously. I don’t know how she actually exists. It would be a fucking nightmare to have to spend any amount of time near her or her music.

2. Close talkers with bad hygiene and/or body odor. If you don’t want me to vomit directly on you, move the fuck back. And why don’t you understand personal space anyways? Or bathing for that matter?

3. Talking politics with really angry and adamant people who are either Republican or Democrat just for the sake of being Republican or Democrat and actually have no fucking concept or real opinion on any issues of any importance. If you’re going to pick a side, at least open a newspaper now and then and learn some fucking talking points.

4. Sitting at a crosswalk in the city with people from the suburbs. Hey, guess what guys? If there aren’t any cars coming, you can cross the fucking street. No need to wait half an hour for a fucking walk signal. And hurry the fuck up while you’re at it. Do you know why people in the city walk fast? Because unlike you, they actually have shit to do.

5. Being on public transportation with people from the suburbs. There are maps EVERYWHERE. It doesn’t take a fucking advance degree to figure out the next stop. Also, are you new here? Hold onto the fucking handrail. I don’t need you or your children falling into my lap because you don’t think you need to hold onto anything in a moving train.

6. Being at Jesus Camp. Super serious hardcore fundamentalist Christians scare the absolute shit out of me. Although, it is kind of ironic or something to think about fundamentalist Christians spending eternity in hell.

7. Perpetually waiting for chronically late individuals. I don’t really have anything clever to say. I have no fucking patience for people who can’t get somewhere within 20-30 minutes of when they said they would. It’s not fucking rocket science.

8. Having to be around hipsters. Hipsters are the fucking worst. They don’t stand for anything. I think they think it’s trendy to not have opinions. If it wasn’t for local coffee shops and ice creams stores, I’m fairly certain they’d all be unemployed. They drink cheap beer because they think it’s ironic. They wear girls jeans for no apparent reason. And don’t even get me started on the random roving bands of fixed gear biking clubs.
 
9. Being on public transportation generally in Boston. This is known at the MBTA. It’s the worst fucking thing ever. I mean, one of our stations caught on fire like three fucking times in June. That shit is not safe. One of the heads of the MBTA refuses to ride portions of the subway because it’s too dangerous. In addition to an evitable fiery death, all of the aforementioned circles of hell are almost guaranteed to be on your subway or bus at some point or another. The MBTA, without a doubt, attracts the most terribly annoying and just plain old strange people you’ll ever encounter.

If you had the power to sign into law an amendment prohibiting a specific human behavior (i.e. using a Bluetooth or singing karaoke), what would you outlaw? I honestly think there should be some sort of formal grievance procedure within our criminal justice system directed at people who act like complete asshats on public transportation. There are so many people who feel the need to fuck up your commute for a wide variety of reasons and they are able to do so without retribution. And that’s a damn shame.

Let's lighten up. What makes you all warm and fuzzy inside? (Your heart can’t be COMPLETELY charred.) Dogs. Especially puppies. I have a huge fucking soft spot for our four-legged friends. Except toy dogs. Can’t stand those things. If its small enough to carry in one hand, it’s not a real dog. And while we’re on the topic of animals, cats can go fuck themselves.

What's your favorite curse word/phrase? It’s entirely unoriginal, but I think “fucking” has to be my favorite curse word. It’s quite versatile. You can use it an almost situation in which you need an adverb.

Essay Question: Please write a 100 word open letter to an object, person, or other entity that has recently incurred your wrath. This is essentially every single post of my blog. I mean, it’s called “How You Have Wronged Me Today.” Instead, I will write an open letter to virtually everyone.

Dear General Public:

You are, by and large, terrible. I don’t know how it’s possible that so many of you lack basic social skills and any concept of appropriate behavior. I know I sound like a jerk with my ranting and raving at all of you, but really all I want is for everyone to be marginally more civil and respectful to one another. I draw attention to your weird and annoying fucking behavior as a lesson to not act like that. Do not be “that guy.” Do not make strangers roll their eyes at you and wish ill upon you. Do not be so fucking oblivious to those around you. I know you don’t give a fuck. But try. Just a little. Just a tiny fuck is all I ask for. Until then, however, I will continue to hate everyone by default until they prove to me otherwise that they are not giant fucking wastes of time.

Cordially yours,

P. Fenton Cosgrove

Do you want to be a Curmudgeon of the Week? Email me!
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15 comments :

  1. Wow. I think I love this guy, but not that way. That would just be awkward. More in a "this guy is awesome" way. I don't even know what he looks like, and let's be honest, real love is 85% based on looks, right? I think this comment has gone downhill fast. What I"m trying to say is, great feature.

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  2. i totally relate to this guy. i think it's because i share his aversion to people on public transportation in Boston. it is as bad as he has expressed.

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  3. Hahahaha. I think I just fell in love. I seriously could not agree more with every point just made.

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  4. oh dear. such suffering over nothing in the scheme of things. Be interesting to see this person spend one day in the life of a Katrina victim.....it will give new meaning to the word "fucked".

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  5. I know, isn't he great?

    @Basque-Land: In fairness, the Curmudgeon of the Week questionnaire urges people to let their petty judgments rip. I think it goes without saying that in the grand scheme of things none of these grievances are true suffering.

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  6. Waldorf version 1.0,

    You're on the fucking money!

    Great Curmudgeon of The Week. :)

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  7. I must be part curmudgeon because I agree with every single thing you said. Especially the Celine Dion part. I never trust an angular woman with thin lips. She and Kathy Lee Gifford make my skin crawl.

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  8. I think he is really upset about having to lug that name around for his entire life.

    I seen this kind of thing before.

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  9. Smokes. I hope this guy feels better now.

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  10. Anonymous11:47 PM

    Excellent choice. Terrific sense of humor.

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  11. Sister Zoe2:30 AM

    The 4th and 5th circles of hell...it's like he's inside my head, dude. Amen!

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  12. I think you may be my long lost twin. Well the skinny twin, anyway.

    Kelly

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  13. Yes, yes. He fucking hit the nail on the head with his curmudgeonness. I bow to his darkness.

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  14. Thanks for checking out my blog, folks. Glad you like it/fell in love with me/am your twin.

    Um, Ms. Basque-Land, its a comedy blog. You probably shouldn't take it super seriously.

    And, of course, the most thanks for the Sassy Curmudgeon herself for giving me the honor of Curmudgeon of the Week.

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