Friday, August 13, 2010

Curmudgeon of the "Week": L

This is an actual reader, y'all -- and not related to me by blood, except if you buy into that we-are-all-sons-of-Adam crap in which case, fine, she's probably my 17th cousin thrice removed.

I'm anointing her Curmudgeon of the "Week," with the understanding that the word in quotations could actually come to mean "Month," "Quarter," "Year," or possibly even "Decade," depending on how lazy I am.

Anyway, meet L. She doesn't even have a blog to pimp. UPDATE: She totally does! Visit it here! She just has vitriol that needs to get out. Come to mama, L. I am like the bitch exorcist.

(Disclaimer: This post is probably not appropriate for children, if "bitch exorcist" wasn't enough of a clue.)


Name: L

Age: 25

Provenance: Southern California

Occupation: Waitress at a theme park in Anaheim, CA

When did you first self-identify as a curmudgeon? I’m sure my Mother would say when I was my high school year book’s editor in chief and fired over 50% of my staff because they were “lazy butt heads.” I would say when I started working for said theme park at age 19. It made me realize how incredibly stupid people are and made me hate with a fiery passion: strollers, obese people in Hoover-Rounds that run over my heels while eating turkey leg, and people who are too lazy to read signs or maps.(It’s basically like free birth control every time I clock on. )

Who’s the curmudgeon (living or dead, historical or contemporary) you most identify with and why? Bea Arthur is my curmudgeon soul sister. We both cast mad crazy judgment with our faces.

What do you hate that other people inexplicably love? There are so many things! Babies, pickles, ranch dressing, PDA, Megan Fox, Avatar, Pooh Bear, NASCAR, The Jersey Shore, U2, sushi, beer, potato salad, shabby chic, the term “hubby.” This is just the Reader’s Digest version because I could go on.

You are Dante. What, in order from least to most excruciating, are your nine circles of hell?

1. Heresy (I don’t agree with the dogma of the church b/c I’m not Catholic, so I’m already going to hell in a cute little wicker hand basket.)

2. Lust (I never get any action so I’m almost constantly in this level of hell.)

3. Gluttony (I work where people are always eating, so it would be like an eternity of working, crappy, but I could deal with it.)

4. Wrath or Sloth (Again, this would be like being at work forever, I could deal.)

5. Avarice or Greed (I enjoy collecting/hording/spending money. I’m Scottish and Jewish…I kind of have to collect money, it’s in my DNA.)

6. Limbo (I don’t like indecisiveness, take a side, make a decision already!!)

7. Violence (I watch WAY too much Law and Order so I hate people that are violent, especially those that are against animals. Those people need to die by getting their balls cut off.)

8. Fraud (Liars piss me off to the nth degree.)

9. Betrayal (People that screw other people over are raging buttholes and if I had to be with them forever I’d want to sit on a knife!!)

If you had the power to sign into law an amendment prohibiting a specific human behavior (i.e. using a Bluetooth or singing karaoke), what would you outlaw? Parents that do nothing while their child screams like a banshee from hell while in a public setting. Those people are the worst.

Let's lighten up. What makes you all warm and fuzzy inside? (Your heart can’t be COMPLETELY charred.) Fuzzy baby animals are my kryptonite, mostly kittens and sea otters.

What's your favorite curse word/phrase? Motherfuckingsonofabitch. Lengthy, but it gets the point across.

Essay Question: Please write a 100 word open letter to an object, person, or other entity that has recently incurred your wrath.

(I’m 12 words over. Worth it!)

Ex-Roommate:

You are a sociopath, a spoiled brat, entitled, smug, lying, slutty, twat. I would call you a whore but that would be an insult to whores, who are more intelligent than you. They are at least smart enough to get paid for being slutty. How do I know you are a slut?

1. I’ve never met any of your friends who you have NOT doinked.

2. You said this “Doesn’t the thought of sucking cock just make your mouth water?” No, it does not, mostly because I’m not a crazy slut like you! Please never reproduce because you are a horrible person and the world at its capacity for crazy skanks.

Do you want to be a Curmudgeon of the Week? Email me!
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27 comments :

  1. As an ex-waitress, I feel 'L's pain (literally and figuratively). Fantastic feature. I think it's definitely time for the comeback of curmudgeonry (I just made that word up. Either that or Firefox doesn't know proper English), something that most people probably didn't even realize they were missing in their lives.

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  2. "L" rocks!
    Thanks for featuring this crack up.
    Make her your "go to" Curmudgeon whenever you need a break.

    Glad the roommate is an ex.

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  3. Go L! Can completely understand your hate of strollers and parents who let their children scream and do nothing about it. Keep up the curmudgeon.

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  4. Oh I love her! She's sassy and has a sense of humor. Can't you convince her to write her thoughts in blog form for all of us to enjoy? :)

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  5. I like this girl. A lot.

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  6. Anonymous10:11 AM

    Doinked?!
    Riot!

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  7. I feel like this girl is maybe the lost member of my group of girlies...she sounds just like us! Oh, and love the Curmudgeon of the Week :) Great idea!

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  8. Curmudgeons UNITE!!!!!! Our voices must be heard.

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  9. Love her! Her favorite curse word/phrase is something I say all the time. She should be Curmudgeon of the Month.

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  10. Because of personal reasons, L had me at "Ex-Roommate". Poetry.

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  11. She is fantastic. And so are you. Hooray for curmudgeons!

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  12. I like this curmudgeon of the week! I wanna be one!!!

    And I hate everything on that Readers' Digest hate list, except potato salad and pickles. I love potato salad, unless it's sweet, then Yuck!

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  13. this was fun and interesting.

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  14. Anonymous12:55 PM

    *Diet Pepsi spew*

    I will dine with a different point of view. Thanks L.

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  15. L is fabulous. Why doesn't she have a blog?!? She has some great stories, I can just tell!

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  16. Love it!
    And I can totally empathize. I, too, have had my feet run over by those obnoxious ECVs and I actually had to cook those awful turkey legs. Yeesh.

    Doesn't the ex-roommate seem like someone that would end up on lamebook.com??

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  17. L=awesome. Seriously though, strollers were meant as humane prisons for babies. Without them sanity would fly out the window in a hurry!

    Single Dad Laughing

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  18. L is incredible......thanks Sassy for finding her and giving her to the blog world.

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  19. wow intresting woman she is.i can relate with knowing skanky women thing.i used to have a friend who was a total slut.she never said that statement but wouldnt of shocked me if she had

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  20. Anonymous6:22 PM

    I am a parent whose kid sometimes screams in public. I hate it too.

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  21. Wow that could have been me talking, I also hate everything she hates. And I too worked for 6 years in a psychotic children/fat asshole environment.

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  22. You are still the Queen to me. "Come to mama, L. I am like the bitch exorcist". I am sitting her laughing so hard. Can I use that on friends. hehe.

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  23. Doesnt she kind of look like that red headed girl from Mad Men? She does to me.

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  24. OMG, you found my soul sister!! =D She and I are wavelengh twins, even if the age is slightly different...*wink, wink* LOL Thank you, Sassy, for bringing this amazing person into the limelight!! I would love to be a future Curmudgeon, but I can't get to your email b/c I deleted MS Office recently and can't bring up the "default email client"...stupid, twatty default email client!! ;) So anywho, I submit my request from here -- hit me up at passionofthemom@gmail.com if I pass Curmudgeonly mustering! LOL

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  25. Robin1:33 PM

    I instantly love L!

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