I'm anointing her Curmudgeon of the "Week," with the understanding that the word in quotations could actually come to mean "Month," "Quarter," "Year," or possibly even "Decade," depending on how lazy I am.
Anyway, meet L.
(Disclaimer: This post is probably not appropriate for children, if "bitch exorcist" wasn't enough of a clue.)
Provenance: Southern California
Occupation: Waitress at a theme park in Anaheim, CA
When did you first self-identify as a curmudgeon? I’m sure my Mother would say when I was my high school year book’s editor in chief and fired over 50% of my staff because they were “lazy butt heads.” I would say when I started working for said theme park at age 19. It made me realize how incredibly stupid people are and made me hate with a fiery passion: strollers, obese people in Hoover-Rounds that run over my heels while eating turkey leg, and people who are too lazy to read signs or maps.(It’s basically like free birth control every time I clock on. )
Who’s the curmudgeon (living or dead, historical or contemporary) you most identify with and why? Bea Arthur is my curmudgeon soul sister. We both cast mad crazy judgment with our faces.
What do you hate that other people inexplicably love? There are so many things! Babies, pickles, ranch dressing, PDA, Megan Fox, Avatar, Pooh Bear, NASCAR, The Jersey Shore, U2, sushi, beer, potato salad, shabby chic, the term “hubby.” This is just the Reader’s Digest version because I could go on.
You are Dante. What, in order from least to most excruciating, are your nine circles of hell?
1. Heresy (I don’t agree with the dogma of the church b/c I’m not Catholic, so I’m already going to hell in a cute little wicker hand basket.)
2. Lust (I never get any action so I’m almost constantly in this level of hell.)
3. Gluttony (I work where people are always eating, so it would be like an eternity of working, crappy, but I could deal with it.)
4. Wrath or Sloth (Again, this would be like being at work forever, I could deal.)
5. Avarice or Greed (I enjoy collecting/hording/spending money. I’m Scottish and Jewish…I kind of have to collect money, it’s in my DNA.)
6. Limbo (I don’t like indecisiveness, take a side, make a decision already!!)
7. Violence (I watch WAY too much Law and Order so I hate people that are violent, especially those that are against animals. Those people need to die by getting their balls cut off.)
8. Fraud (Liars piss me off to the nth degree.)
9. Betrayal (People that screw other people over are raging buttholes and if I had to be with them forever I’d want to sit on a knife!!)
If you had the power to sign into law an amendment prohibiting a specific human behavior (i.e. using a Bluetooth or singing karaoke), what would you outlaw? Parents that do nothing while their child screams like a banshee from hell while in a public setting. Those people are the worst.
Let's lighten up. What makes you all warm and fuzzy inside? (Your heart can’t be COMPLETELY charred.) Fuzzy baby animals are my kryptonite, mostly kittens and sea otters.
What's your favorite curse word/phrase? Motherfuckingsonofabitch. Lengthy, but it gets the point across.
Essay Question: Please write a 100 word open letter to an object, person, or other entity that has recently incurred your wrath.
(I’m 12 words over. Worth it!)
You are a sociopath, a spoiled brat, entitled, smug, lying, slutty, twat. I would call you a whore but that would be an insult to whores, who are more intelligent than you. They are at least smart enough to get paid for being slutty. How do I know you are a slut?
1. I’ve never met any of your friends who you have NOT doinked.
2. You said this “Doesn’t the thought of sucking cock just make your mouth water?” No, it does not, mostly because I’m not a crazy slut like you! Please never reproduce because you are a horrible person and the world at its capacity for crazy skanks.
Do you want to be a Curmudgeon of the Week? Email me!