Saturday, August 21, 2010

Curmudgeon of the Week: The Fine Pair

Ladies and gentlemen, as Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino might say, we have ourselves a situation. Don't worry! No Valtrex required.

It's just that -- I may tear up here -- my last Curmudgeon of the Week was last Friday. And a mere eight days later, I have another. You are making an honest woman out of me, people!

I got such a great response after I posted L's COTW that now I have enough curmudgeons to last me practically through the end of the year. It's a Christmas miracle, y'all. Every time a bell rings, I don't have to think of a new blog post because I already have like 20 in the bag. BAM! In your face, Clarence.

This week, feast your eyes on the... um, well, The Fine Pair, a loyal reader and frequent commenter.

Sexiest COTW ever! Except, obviously, for this stone cold fox.

Name: They call me The Fine Pair because of my beautiful big eyes. Really.

Age: 34

Provenance: Portugal (Yes, it's a real country, y'all!) [Ed note: That y'all was her, not me. We are like ghetto contraction soul mates.*]

*I wanted to use a better adjective than "ghetto," so I Wikipediaed "y'all" -- and while I did not find a better adjective, that Wikipedia page is a GIFT. The sample usage sentences are particularly choice. Anyway, sorry, I'll butt out of TFP's COTW now. Does this tiny type make me look like I'm whispering? I like to think it's like I've just taken a huge hit of helium. 

Occupation: Badass-blogger wannabe. (My badass blog - or just bad altogether - http://theboobschronicles.blogspot.com/)

When did you first self-identify as a curmudgeon? Let's see: an 18-hour labour that left my mom black and blue all over, even the nurses cursed the hell out of me; broke up with my first "boyfriend" at the age of nine, after my first grown-up kiss; literally kicked ass at soccer, and some boys' too (a totally guy's sport here); was a nerdy kissing-slut (a very rare and dangerous combination) all through high school; made my English teacher's life miserable during my freshman year; and then they gave me my driver's license. My vileness could no longer be locally contained, and all hell broke loose.

Who’s the curmudgeon (living or dead, historical or contemporary) you most identify with and why? George Carlin. We both like people, we just can't stand them for too long. He could endure the pain for a minute, minute and a half... Boy, that man had crazy super-human stamina! Me, I'm just human - 20 seconds of close interaction, at best.

What do you hate that other people inexplicably love? Justin Bieber, spoof movies (why??), those emo-looking-up-at-the-camera-pouting-your-lips Facebook pictures, Farmville, fricking relaxing zen music or machines that reproduce nature sounds, and any kind of liquor chocolate candy (that's just a waste of good chocolate and alcohol, come on!).

You are Dante. What, in order from least to most excruciating, are your nine circles of hell?

1st Circle - Pigheadedness (particularly on stupid clueless people).

2nd Circle - Dishonesty.

3rd Circle - Meanness.

4th - 8th Circles - STUPIDITY!

9th Circle - Publicly mortifying another being through acts, words and/or physical violence.

If you had the power to sign into law an amendment prohibiting a specific human behavior (i.e. using a Bluetooth or singing karaoke), what would you outlaw? Celebrity sextapes. There's a recession going on and the porn industry is the only thing keeping the Dow Jones up. These cheesy second-rate celeb performances are ruining the industry's good rep. And making me sick in the process.

Let's lighten up. What makes you all warm and fuzzy inside? (Your heart can’t be COMPLETELY charred.) Listening to great music, singing and dancing, sunshine and warm weather, my family, close friends, a good book. And water, I love water.

What's your favorite curse word/phrase? "Up yours!" I find that it goes with everything I wear.

Essay Question: Please write a 100 word open letter to an object, person, or other entity that has recently incurred your wrath.

Dear Kidney Stone,

You were a guest of mine for two weeks and, as far as guests go, you suck big time! You showed up uninvited, put me in the hospital, made me puke my guts out, and the only gift you brought me was a fucking world of pain! Then, you took me to an overpriced specialist who put me on a dumbass medicine for my enlarged prostate (btw, of the female persuasion here!), which made me vomit even more, and who also prescribed me a concoption that made even the baddest of the bad colonoscopies in the world look like a wide-eyed puppy. Two whole days and nights of Puke-and-Crap Fest. Ah, the good times... Ten pounds and several hundreds of euros lighter, and a crater where my butthole used to be later, please, PLEASE, feel free to never come around again. Ever!

Do you want to be a Curmudgeon of the Week? Email me!
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8 comments :

  1. Awesome COTW! I especially like your letter to your kidney stone. I had gallstones that effed my life up for 18 months (due to some fabulous missed diagnoses). It was finally discovered by my gyno. "Uhhhh, doc, I think you've got that poker thing in the wrong place if you're finding gallstones."

    Y'all come visit me at my blog!

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  2. Jeez, i would, but I just don't know if I quite have it in me!

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  3. <3 her blog...I wish my pair was fine enough to blog about.

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  4. LOL that's too funny. Up Yours! I really like the sexy pic she chose.

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  5. I wanna be a Curmudgeon! :) Pick me me me me. Okay I'll stop now.

    Just in case you do, here's my email: annahbanana@rocketmail.com

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  6. I'm fist-pumping so hard right now that I think we can expect a tsunami somewhere in Asia... ;)

    Thanks for posting my answers, Una. You're the realness. :)

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  7. You have received an award. Pop over to my place to check it out!

    Love the COTW!!!

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