Monday, August 23, 2010

The Best Part of Waking Up... Is Not Being Dead

Free marriage tip (Monday morning special):

Rousing your sleeping husband after he has worked a 12-hour day by screaming, as you are driving down I-95 in torrential rain after approximately six Diet Cokes, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I can’t see the lines on the rooooooooooooooooooad!" is like the opposite of an aphrodisiac. Turns out, the sexual antonym for oysters is imminent death. The More You Know.

In my defense, I panicked. I went into my safe-mode, which is composed entirely of shrieking and making inappropriate references to early 90s hip hop lyrics.

Once we were safely parked in the Denny's lot, I turned to my shaken spouse.

"I'm sorry, " I said. "I had to check myself before I wrecked ourselves."


  1. Fabulous. Thanks for the tip. I've also found that as the passenger of a moving vehicle, it is unwise to loudly shriek for any reason. It tends to startle the driver, making him think the car is about to be attacked by a swarm of pterodactyls, and then he'll swerve out of shock and surprise and then get super pissed when he realizes that you were shrieking because of the gorgeous dog you just drove by. And then he'll pull over and make you drive because that's the third time you did that to him.

  2. Near-death experiences aren't a turn on?? Ah! Things are making a lot more sense now... ;)

  3. Oh yikes - those diet cokes need to be taken with caution. Pure poison. Usage restricted to a slice of pizza and the occasional hot day.

  4. If you hadn't screamed like a coked-up banshee, you might have fallen asleep at the wheel.

    You're welcome.

  5. You're too cute for your own good sometimes.

    LMAO. My captcha for this comment is "ream me"

  6. Possibly the best blog title ever?

    I'm watching last week's Project Runway right now, why do some of the models have vagina hats on??

  7. Haha...I'll be sure to remember this!

  8. LOVE IT!
    see this is why I rarely drive with my husband....

  9. LOVE IT!

    see this is why I dont drive with my husband often
    he gets scared when I get nervous and he doesn't realize with him sitting next to me, making comments, he makes me nervous

    I drive alone for this reason alot of the time

  10. LOVE IT
    diet coke and road fear go hand in hand

  11. Laughed!! Thanks Sassy, I've been there. And I've also been 'coked-up' as a passenger and shrieked about very close brake lights and a Moose running along side our truck, in NH.

    BTW, Am I the only one distracted by the dichotomy of your face (holding I'm Free sign) right above the face of Christina H? And I ask this in the most loving way.

  12. Thanks, guys!

    @One Blonde Girl: You are so right. It's unwise to shriek in a car under any circumstances.

    @Fragrant Liar: But YOU are also right. Shrieking saves lives. Conundrum!

    @Joanne: OMG, is you calling me homely?! In my defense, standing next to Christina H. would make anyone look worse.

  13. Anonymous5:56 PM

    hahaha, absolutley brilliant. I can add to that - don't start trying to open a bottle of shaken uppepsi whilst driving at 80-mph in large house-moving van with a boy in the passenger seat. Bad times. :)

  14. Zoeth7:39 PM

    Some people be trippin'(I might just be talking to you, Joanne). BTW as gorgeous as Christina H. is, doesn't it look like shes fighting really hard against a facial tic in that picture?

  15. Now what homely chick fabulously dons a wine rack or rocks a photo booth?
    Love ya Una!
    You make me laugh every time!
    You are truly free, of spirit, and
    clean . . . of ticks, facial or otherwise.

  16. Jess F10:32 AM

    Comely, not homely.


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