"She's A Beauty" by The Tubes is totally my summer jam.
Yes, it was released in 1983. What? Do not even say "California Gurls" to me or I will engage you in an ill-advised rap battle. I don't listen to anything that's willfully misspelled, and that includes you, Ke$ha. The only exception I make is for Prince, whose brevity ("I Would Die 4 U," "Feel U Up") I choose to view as an impressive prescience of text messaging lingo.
Anyway, as I was saying, "She's A Beauty" has an eerie power over me. It's like aural peyote. When I hear it I start thinking crazy things, like, You know, maybe I could pull off a romper, or Anne Geddes' right to photograph babies in flower pots doesn't, in fact, stop with my eyes. It never stops, thanks to the First Amendment.
For maximum effectiveness I like to listen to my jam first thing in the morning on a hot summer day, before the humidity can conspire to make me look like Rosanne Rosannadanna after a particularly vigorous spin on the Tilt-A-Whirl. I'll walk out of my front door feeling dangerously sexy in my jean shorts and flip flops, like there is no Una, only Zool.
Don't fall in love, I'll whisper with my eyes to the portly man sitting on the crate outside the bodega nursing his 10 am beer.
She's a beauty (She being ME, obviously. A beauty who eye-whispers about herself in the THIRD PERSON. Do not hate on my skills.)
One in a million girls (My name literally means "one," so this is super deep.)
Why would I lie?
Why would I lie? (Yeah, I'm getting a little defensive, probably because the dewy mist of sweat on my face has by now turned into muddy reflecting pools of concealer.)
I must admit that I never gave much thought to the lyrics, other than the obvious meaning to be gleaned (as illustrated above): I am awesome.
Turns out, there's more. The message of the song, according to Wikipedia, is "the financial and emotional cost of falling in love with a stripper, prostitute or other type of sex worker",* which I guess makes sense considering the lyric She'll give you every penny's worth/but it will cost you a dollar first, and which also explains why the video makes such a show of taking poor preteen, pre-op Alexis Arquette on a creepy (yet PG-rated) funhouse ride chaperoned by what looks to be a one of the extras from the orgy scene in Eyes Wide Shut, but I'm willing to overlook all of that because the song makes me feel so hot**. Is that wrong?
*FYI, I've seen those girls behind the glass in Amsterdam's red light district -- a blog for another day -- and the song that comes to mind is not "She's A Beauty" or even "Roxanne," but rather "Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis" as wheezed/gargled by Tom Waits
**Way hotter, anyway, than I feel when listening to the rest of the Tubes' canon, including hits like "Mondo Bondage" and "Don't Touch Me There" (yes, really)