So this exists:
I never thought I'd say this, but I have such respect for the humble (if unnervingly large) sanitary napkin. I kind of hope the Mayans are right about 2012 now, because this is some End of Days shit.
You know what else exists? Camelflage. Turning camel toe into camel no since 1895! (That's not their actual tagline, though it should be. And props to my girl Betsy for coining the term "camel no.")
I guess since we'll all be with Satan soon I may as well cash in. How about Skid-daddle, a skid mark-preventing portable bidet? Or Supercalifragilisticexpihalitosis, a Hannibal Lecter-esque muzzle that filters out bad breath like one of those Glad plug-ins, but for your face? I admit it's not as subtle as farting discreetly into a thong, but I really think it could change the world.