Monday, July 26, 2010

Scene From A Marriage: Blinkers Really Pump My 'Nads

Nothing brings out my curmudgeonly nature like highway driving. If I’m not busy gripping the wheel in terror, imagining my death at the hands of one of the Merritt Parkway’s infamous leaping deer, I am critiquing my fellow drivers using a colorful selection of expletives.

I learned to drive late, at 25, and am kind of Tracy Flick-ish when it comes to rules of conduct, so I treat the drivers' manual like the Bible, inferring my own commandments.

Thou shalt not drive slower than 10 miles over the speed limit in the fast lane, asshole.

Though shalt not assume that if your lane ends I will let you in at the last minute, dickwad.

Though shalt not go 80 on the shoulder to bypass traffic unless you then immediately spontaneously combust, doucheface.

Yesterday I was particularly incensed by an asshole who felt his blinker was just a piece of optional steering wheel flair.

Me: Look! That asshole just changed lanes without using his signal!
Jeff: Quick! Make a citizen’s arrest.
Me: Shut up. Aaaaagh, he did it again! That really burns my ass.
Jeff: [Doubled over in laughter.]
Me: What? That's an expression. It's like the opposite of "that really pumps my 'nads."
Jeff: Woah, he's using his blinker. It's like he can feel your hatred.
Me: It's my Care Bear Stare.
Jeff: And which bear would you be?
Me: Judgy Bear.



  1. People who don't signal totally burn my ass too. Like I lose all control when driving. Moreso in the city than on the highway. Unless I have to turn off cruise control because of some dickwad driving too slow in the fast lane in front of me. Judgy Bear. Is. Awesome. As is the power of your Care Bear Stare. I will try that next time instead of almost causing an aneurysm in a flurry of foul language and hand gestures.

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  3. I deal with this bullshit everydamnday. But I prefer "chaps my ass." Though that would imply that my ass is otherwise plump and hydrated, which is not the fact, it's more like a pancake, from sitting on it 3-4 hours a day extreme commuting my way across the great state of NJ and dealing with douchers like your blinkerbuddy.

    With much love and appreciation,


  4. ROTFLMAO Holy shit, I LOVE your driving manual!! How awesome would it be if that were the "literature" they give when you're first learning to drive!! I think I may have to submit these rules to the City Council, since the people who drive in Austin should be classified as disabled...fawking dumbshits. LOL
    The One Who Is On Your Wavelength

  5. 25?!!!
    Are you serious?

  6. Anonymous12:40 PM

    That's the BEST care-bear of them all! My fiancee can't stand being in the car with me while I'm driving because it's a constant stream of loud profanity from Point A to Point B. Sometimes I even make up my own NEW expletives! Thus the birth of the term, "douche canoe." This of course lead to "douche kayak" and "Douchey McDouchepants sailing on the river Douche to the shores of Vag." It was a REALLY long car ride.

  7. I always felt the Bible (or the driving code, for that matter) was deficient in monikers like asshole, dickwad and doucheface. I feel complete now.

  8. You would HATE driving in Utah. Every single driver is an asshole. Except me of course.

  9. And here I thought that only happened here in Atlanta!

  10. I can understand the frustration and colorful vocabulary- I myself have linguistically challenged fellow drivers who- ahem- torment my driving ability.

  11. I most definitely am JUDGY Bear, and I love love it! The thing that makes me crazy is those who don't use their blinker signals till the VERY last second and then I get stuck behind them, and if they'd have just used their signal I could have gone around but NOOOOO.

  12. My absolute worst driving experience occurred in Iowa near Des Moines. The Interstate drivers I encountered were not to be believed. What a bunch of puss-wads!

    I signaled that I wanted to change lanes and this clown near my bumper in the lane I wanted slowed down and backed that I could pull in.

    That on-the-road gesture of kindness really pissed me off, because I am not prepared for it and I had profanity dripping off the lips of my mind. I changed lanes, he waved "hello" and that ticked me off even more. Here in Florida you can get shot for that kind of behavior.

    I warn you...don't drive in Iowa. They are way too nice.

  13. Judgey Bear was always my favorite

  14. I moved from Ireland to California, so the freeways were absolutely terrifying to me at first. Now I'm more like you; I just shriek expletives at people as they whiz past the car. And NOBODY uses their fricking blinkers down here, it makes my eye twitch so bad. My husband is often afraid to be in the car with me because I will scream "INDICATORS YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!" whether the windows are down or up. Haha.

  15. Driving slower than 10 miles over the speed limit and not using turn signals are major cardinal sins!! ... I have always wanted to have one of those fork thingys that are on the front of trash trucks so that when encountering a dumb arse driver I could just drive up behind them, attach fork thingy and toss them behind me on the roadway. Too much?

  16. Do you think waiting so long to learn how to drive negatively affects you? I still haven't gotten my license, and I'm worried that I'll be a nervous-wreck on the road if I start learning now...

    My aunt waited a while to drive, too, and she won't even take the highway.

  17. You would love this:

    Today, this guy in one of those low riding cars with tinted windows that sounds like a souped up weed eater, turned his right blinker on to merge into my lane....on his left. Then acted like I was the idiot who didn't know how to drive.

  18. I'm so lazy...I wish there were a 'like' button on all these comments..they're the best! Seriously though...I want that Carebear...

  19. The issue is, if you do use your signal (like I do because I like to follow rules), poopheads won't let you in. Heaven forbid they have one more car in front of them. They'd rather run you off the road than let you legally merge. I know, I live near LA.
    ps- I tried to cuss, but I'm not very good at it since I have trained myself to be cussless during the school year- so you get poophead in my post.

  20. Oh, I'm glad there are other people out there who infer unwritten driving rules. Then proclaim them loudly. I think Judgy Bear needs a little gavel so he can beat the TRUTH into people's heads.

  21. Ouizee7:47 PM

    I'll be driving on the Merit tomorrow night. I never thought to be afraid of the leaping deer, but now they will be all I think of...
    Thanks a heap, Sassy!

  22. Judgy Bear... love it! Why were there never any disgruntled Carebears created? Like the Garbage Pail Kids to the Cabbage Patch Kids. Hmmm....

  23. I have to meditate before driving in Austin everyday. My boyfriend laughs at me as I curse wildly at the imbeciles who dont use signals or just merge onto the road 10 feet in front of me as I am going 45 mph. Thats me calm. When i am pmsing, its a thing of beauty. I use words not yet created and roll down my windows to yell at people, even the ghetto ppl. Im horomonal and u just cut me off, be prepared to die dickwad.

  24. i live outside of orlando, right near disney world, so like 85% of cars on the road at any given time are being driven by tourists.

    not only do most of them not use blinkers (aside from the new yorkers, like me - we apparently all use blinkers), but they are terrified that there will NEVER be an opportunity to turn around. which is why they end up slamming it into reverse and backing up on I4 to go back to their exit. while the rest of us are doing 70+ and trying not to hit them.

  25. Anonymous10:25 PM

    I like to say "buff my nuggets"

  26. Anonymous10:43 PM

    I say "chaps my khakis".
    I got it from some silly kids movie about park rangers and such. It makes me giggle when I'm pissed.

  27. ooh jackass traffic. it's a way of life in DC:

  28. Having had a little sister I've had to watch my share of care bears. I don't remember judgy bear, was he executeness's brother?

  29. Wow Sassy....definitely don't ever follow me while driving. You would probably have enough new colorful words to make up your own driving dictionary.

  30. i have a 3 mile, 15 minute commute to work on mostly residential streets. And every day I play the game "How Long Can I Drive Without Having Someone Pull a Total Jackass Move?" Every. Single. Day. On this very short commute, someone does something so jackass-ey that I can't control myself and inevitably find myself muttering, out loud, alone in my car, "Jackass." Yesterday, I was stopped behind a school bus that had its blinkers on and its stop sign pushed out, and a jackass behind me assume that I was stopped for no reason (i.e., that I was the jackass), flew past me and slammed on his brakes when he realized that I was actually stopped in order to obey the law and not drive over small children. *sigh*

  31. LOL! I also hate people who do not use their annoying.

  32. I had a guy in a very expensive car cut me off the other and I was none to happy about. When I got next to him at the light I rolled down my window and conversation went like this:

    Me: Hey...nice car!
    Him: Thanks..I really like it.
    Me: I'll bet it was expensive!
    Him: wasn't cheap that's for sure.

    Me: Maybe you should have spent the extra $50 F'ing dollars and bought some turn signals asshole!!

    Him: tires squealing as he spend way making a turn I'm pretty sure he didn't want to take but I couldn't tell because again...he didn't use his turn signal.


  33. I LOVE your drivers manual commandments! They made me laugh so hard, because I relate to ALL of these suggestions.

    I would also add one more- borrowed from Jeff Foxworthy.

    I believe that if you let somebody cut in front of you in traffic and they don't give you the little "wave", it should be perfectly legal to get up underneath 'em, get 'em loose, and put 'em into the wall.

    While it might not be a good idea to do in reality- that image does make me laugh when some jerk makes me fume for bad driving.


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