Friday, July 9, 2010

If A Tree Falls In The Forest And No One Is There To Tweet It, Does It Make A Blog? An Inner Monologue

I have nothing to blog about.

But you HAVE to blog.


Because you set an insane precedent for yourself by blogging every fucking day and now people expect it. NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU IF YOU STOP BLOGGING FOR EVEN ONE DAY. THAT IS THE RULE OF THE INTERNET. You are going to be forgotten more quickly than Jason Alexander.

Hey, now. NO ONE will forget George Costanza, aka Art Vandelay.

"I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all!"

No, not that Jason Alexander. The one who was married to Britney Spears for 55 hours before the Federline Incident. Remember him?

Not really.


Well, I guess... I kind of want to blog about how hipsters are now wearing the same orthopedic sandals that my mom’s old Polish cleaning lady favors, and how that makes me want to throttle them, and how it reminds me of the old Chinese lady slipper craze of ’03, and how I wonder what it says about our country that rich people like to reclaim footwear from the opposite end of the socio-economic spectrum and will willingly shill out $60 for it at Urban Outfitters, but Googling “poor people shoes” made me feel bad.


Also I can’t find pictures of the right kind of orthopedic sandals. But I did find a photo of one of those giant, early-80s cell phones, which I bet would make millions if re-released by American Apparel.

 (You know it's true.)
Now you’re reaching.

I know. Sigh. Also I can’t think of anything funny to Tweet.

Are you telling me you’re not represented on ANY kind of social media site? Have you at least written on someone’s Facebook wall in the last 24 hours?!

I don’t think so.


Um, I’m pretty sure I’m breathing.

No one cares. Go Digg something, quick.


  1. It's about time! I've been waiting all day to hear from you!!

  2. It's true it's so true...I once didn't blog for like 3 days and when I came back my followers were like half of what they previously were.

  3. ha ha! I actually found my husband's old cell phone (circa '92) in a box in our garage. It's just slightly less huge than the pic you have. I'll have to blog about it now that I know what to blog about when I don't know what to blog about ;)

  4. Anonymous2:45 PM

    In your (very brief) absence I've become addicted to the "Fashism" site. I can't stop commenting on every photo that pops up. Is anyone else having this problem?

  5. HA!! You are effin hillarious!

    "reminds me of the old Chinese lady slipper craze of ’03.."


  6. ok, i won't remove your blog from my follow list.

    but that was a close one.


  7. I blog about 5 days a's amazing how much my traffic shrinks when I miss a day. Seriously people I have a life, why don't you?! LOL!

  8. This post makes me happy that I don't blog every day. I like to keep my readers' expectations low--right where they ought to be!

  9. I pretty much had that exact same moment yesterday and ended up with a remarkably similar post. Too funny.

  10. I think I may have found your "Polish cleaning lady" shoes.

  11. Hmm....I have one follower (my girlfriend) and I think she knows what kind of expectation I set for her. I have only published 3 blogs and aborted at least two that I didn't even want to read myself. So, my bar is sitting pretty darn low. I'm just glad I was able to occupy myself for a few minutes on my Friday lunch break with this snippet of hilarity.

  12. Anonymous3:43 PM

    During the snowy cold Winter I was blogging every day. I continued it during the Spring because my son was still in school and I had the time. Now it's Summer and I do it when I'm inspired to. Have fun, IT'S SUMMER!

  13. Hmmm. Actually, I just went back and read mine again and it somehow managed to be even more scattered than this. (And of course ended up being one of my heaviest read to date. Unfortunate.) At least you had a proper inner dialogue going on. So, yeah. Scratch that. And nice work. :)

  14. MUGATU had the same idea, to take homeless people's clothes and make them fashionable. DERELIC MY BALLS, CAP-I-TAN!!!

  15. Sometimes everyone needs a break from blogging... everyone.

  16. yeah- it's your JOB to entertain us- you signed up for it. Since I have very few followers, my job is less stressful. I try for 5 days a week. I also read about 20 blogs myself, so I don't know what I'll do when school starts and I might be working.

  17. I blog everyday and it isn't easy to summon the muse at times.

  18. Sister Zoe7:15 PM

    Will you keep blogging if this happens to you?

    (Yessss I sent you weird japanese downloaded tv- what is better for a friday night?)

  19. my readership usually declines when i post.

  20. Thank GOD you're alive. Now I can stop checking the obits. And OH EM GEE at the ridiculously large "cell phone" looks like my Nana's house phone...

  21. @Ross: No! You're feeding into my insecurities :)

    @Forever Rhonda: Yeah, whatever happened to playing hard to get?

    @L: I honestly think they could make a comeback. The next trend is technology rejection. Typewriters and semaphore flags, y'all... you heard it here first.

    @Anonymous: Oooh, thank you. That site is great.

    @JennyJenJen: Thanks! I was a slave to that trend, too. It was not pretty.

    @allison: Phew! I'll do better next time, I promise.

    @jgirl: Aw, I love my readers. My paranoia is all in my head... I think.

    @TB: Again, am REALLY regretting playing hard to get right about now.

    @Lacie: Ha! I find that writing through writer's block is good for you, even if the results are unfocused. Thanks for the link!

    @TheTsaritsa: Close, but no cigar. The ones I see every day are open-toed, with beige plastic soles and cheap-looking Dr. Scholls-esque tops.

    @KGB0515: I think you have the right idea. Jeff is a large part of my audience (although he's also my harshest critic).

    @inannasstar: I can't wait until I have a kid so I can blame my lack of blogging on them. But I'm so in awe of mommy bloggers -- how do you do it?

    @Jenny: LOVE that quote. LOVE that movie.

    @NC17: Yes, you're right. You're very wise.

    @K: I'm not sure how you meant that, so I apologize if I took it the wrong way. But... you guys know it's not actually my job to blog, right? I have a full time job that takes place in an office from 9 to 6 or 7 every day. So yes, I did CHOOSE to blog, but it's not technically my JOB to entertain you, and I make very little money off of the actual blog.

    @Andy: Amen, sister. (Sorry, I know you're a dude.)

    @Sister Zoe: I can't watch 43 minutes right now, but when did the That 70s show girl get so skinny? Love you!

    @Rachel: HA.

    @Whitney: Aw, don't worry -- if and when I die there will be a video tribute, courtesy of my sister:

  22. are you talking about dr. scholl's? dude. i was wearing those things in high school. f'in' hipsters are late.

  23. I just want you to know that I would not hold it against you if you missed a day. But I very much enjoyed the Jason Alexander references. =)

  24. Oh I feel like this sometimes too!

  25. ah- I reread my comment. It was sarcasm, but I sounded like a chit. sorry at that :).

    I don't pull off trying to be funny very well.

  26. Your writing on a 'writer's block' day is far superior to some of the mundane drivel clogging up the blogosphere, which is why we love you!!... Your polish cleaning lady shoes made me laugh and think about my great grandma. Have a great weekend!

  27. oh hipsters! i love that hipsters have claimed pabst blue ribbon as their beer of choice...hahaha take that all you red necks. i mean it must be good, at some point it got a blue ribbon and they don't just hand those things out, you know.

    love your blog.

    -amatuer blogger

  28. I'm with you one the giant cell phone thing. My friend and I want to find one, take it to the bar, set it on the bar top, and wait to see what happens. Chances are though we'll get depressed when all the young hipsters ask us what it even is. Oh well!

  29. @K -- Don't sweat it, girl, I wasn't upset! And I know, it's so hard to understand sarcasm in writing. Sorry about that.


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