Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Hot and Cold: A Totally Inappropriate Poll

There comes a point every summer when I fantasize about shivering to death somewhere amidst snow-capped mountains, kind of like in that movie Alive only with several boxes of Clif bars so that I'm not tempted to chew on someone's leg.

[Today it broke 100 degrees here in New York. And NYC heat is relentless. It's not just hot, it's viscous. It's like wading through a week-old Jello shot left out in the sun that smells like pee and garbage. Plus my thighs smack together when I walk. It is the very definition of suck.]

Of course, there also comes a time every winter when I romanticize burning forever in the pits of Hades (which, let's face it, is probably inevitable, given that I own The Hills on DVD, voted for a socialist Muslim, and just made a joke about real-life cannibalism among members of the Uruguayan rugby team).

Anyway, choosing between too hot and too cold is one of those questions that divide people in a really combative way. A good analogy is that central Twilight battle -- Team Edward or Team Jacob -- since Edward is waxen and bloodless and has a basal temperature about the same as a witch's teat (to borrow a phrase from my father), while Jacob is warm and brown and has abdominal muscles that work harder than I did during all four years of college.

But my point is -- would you rather sparkle in the sunlight on a mountaintop while gnawing on an energy bar with numb, blue lips OR have your eyelashes singed off while drowing in your own sweat and bemoaning Heidi Montag's terrible elective plastic surgery?


[P.S. Those are not stagnant cups of hobo urine that are making Taylor Lautner's nostrils flare so sexily in my super-impressive Microsoft Paint collage... they are coconut Jello shots. Which is maybe even worse.]

Wow, this is the most feel-good post ever

Excuse me while I go hump my air conditioner.

P.S. Your response to my Babysitter's Club reference yesterday was amazing. Y'all know I was in the official fan club, right? This calls for a special entry as poignant and emotional as when we found out Stacey had diabetes.

Share/Bookmark

32 comments :

  1. I vote for eyelashes being singed.

    #1 Because Clif bars are super high in calories.
    #2. Blue it NOT my color.
    #3. I already bemoan Heidi Montag's elective surgery.

    So basically, it is the perfect choice.
    Also, Stacy and Claudia rule,and Mallory needed to take a hike.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It sounds like we shared the same temperatures yesterday; with the humidity factored in (and Ottawa is a humid city), we were well above 100 F.

    I would much rather battle 40 below than battle the heat. You can always add layers; there's only so much you can take off, though at one point yesterday I considered peeling off my skin!

    ReplyDelete
  3. i would definitely rather be hot than cold. i hate shivering.

    which would make me team jacob, if i cared enough about it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is a tough one. Of course, like every other sane person in the world, my answer varies depending on the season. However, since extreme heat doesn't actually cause me severe physical pain like severe cold does, I think I'd go for the heat. Plus, it's a great excuse to go running through the lawn sprinklers and stick your head in the freezer.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Although it depends on whether or not blankets and/or air conditioning is involved, I would probably rather be hot. I'm usually cold so I carry cardigans and hoodies around with me, but perpetually warm sounds nice.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I would almost always prefer to be cold than hot. I love to bundle up, curl up on the sofa, drape a blanket over myself. It makes me feel cozy!

    Being hot just makes me sweat, which just makes me feel uncomfortable. Although I do always find some time in winter to pray for the quick arrival of warmer weather. But no, mostly I just like it cold. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. "hump the air conditioner". That's what I love about reading your blog. Just goin' along and then wham, those little lines that make me LOL. Oh p.s. my daughter who loves to shock me got me to view a link on "booty poppin'". I just wonder what you would have to say about that. Who knew a butt could clap?

    ReplyDelete
  8. This weather is effin' unbelievable!I'd rather be cold. You can always put on another layer and look like a bloated tootsie roll (to use one of your favorite references)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I was going to say pineapple jello shots are delicious but after that urine reference my desire for them went from 100 to 0 :( Waaaaaaaah!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh and definitely prefer the cold! Maybe because I live in Miami. But mostly because if it's cold you can turn on the heater and bundle up. If it's hot you can rip off your skin and you're still hot. I HATE IT. And yeah, the thigh smacking didn't help anyone either.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Sorry, I live in Houston and have overabundance of HOT, even during the times of year where it is supposed to be cold. I choose cold because there are so many more things I can do to get warm than to cool down.

    ReplyDelete
  12. As always, it made me laugh! I think I would prefer to be cold. Being hot is much more uncomfortable and, at least when I'm cold, I can still sleep. Right now, our A/C is broken, so a few fans around the house isn't doing a lot to circulate the thick, urine-scented air.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Your 100 degree weather does not impress me. We have 108 effing degree weather here. You can't even wear contacts because they'll just end up laminating your eyeballs. And in August, it hovers around 115 degrees. That is Breath-Of-Satan weather. That, girlfriend, is what real suckitude is all about.

    ReplyDelete
  14. As a general rule, I'd prefer cold over hot. However, if it's a Taylor Lautner over Robert Pattinson hot-cold analogy, I'd be as torn as stupid little Bella. In the end, Taylor Lautner with his sexy abs would probably win.

    Also, I'm pretty sure that Heidi Montag is the devil--or, at the VERY LEAST, a lesser demon. I mean, you don't get that famous for doing so little without some kind of help from Satan. Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I love the collage- awesome artistry

    ReplyDelete
  16. I do have to pity you, because New York is so humid that 100 degrees feels like 115 degrees...in much the same way that 30 degrees feels like 10 degrees. Stupid humidity gets into your skin in a way that dry weather never could. A word of advice about the whole thighs thing--I got some awesome Nike dri-fit shorts (see here http://store.nike.com/us/en_us/?l=shop,pdp,ctr-inline/cid-1/pid-238525#l=shop,pdp,ctr-inline/cid-1/pid-301678/pgid-301680) that I wear underneath skirts. They do wonders for preventing sticky thighs in the heat.

    Babysitter's Club readers, unite! Let us have a moment of silence for Stacey and for Heidi Montag.

    ReplyDelete
  17. But it's ok, she got used to the inhections eventually. And Claudia was always on hand with the sugar-free snacks...

    Special BSC post would be much appreciated.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I choose the cold. Maybe I am a dreamer, but I am sure that I would have a Lautner hottie that could keep me warm. The heat for me is in-escapable. I can't sleep, think, eat...nothing is fun or enjoyable in the heat. My husband makes fun of me because I wear socks even on a 90 degree day. Maybe I am a vampire!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I would prefer to be cold because it's just more attractive.

    ReplyDelete
  20. You wanna trade places? I'm in SF enjoying another 55 degree day with chilling winds and lots of fog. I'll swap you or heat and humidity any day.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I live in northern Canada, where we have winter for a looong time; summer is usually amazing but this yr has been cold and wet. Finally nice now, actually sunny and warm...

    Know lots of people have way too much heat, am really trying to find some empathy... only a little so far... trying!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I know nothing about all that Twilight B.S. (seriously...when all my friends started talking about "Eclipse" on Facebook last week, I ran outside and looked for the moon, ecstatically telling myself "Sweet!!! Two in one month!!! What are the odds?!?!?"

    Still, I'd pick heat. I live in Oklahoma. You don't know summers 'til you've lived through one in the southwest. It's horrible...but I'll take my 107* summers with a broken air conditioner over wearing layers in the winter any day.

    Also, did you have the official BSC tee-shirt? Cuz I totally did! Of course, I couldn't wear it cuz my mom bought it two sizes too small, but I still had it! :|

    ReplyDelete
  23. I think I would vote freezing to death. At the very last moment before you see the light, you become strangely warm. WAY better than the burning.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I prefer cold instead of hot. When you're cold, you can just layer up or snuggle with someone, but when it's hot, there is only so many clothes one can take off.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I'd rather freeze to death because at least you end up becoming numb, right? I'm in New Delhi right now - my thighs are raw.

    Also, I'm an original Team Dylan over Team Brandon - I don't know who these sassy little kids think they are.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I much prefer the heat, but your question is skewed (and I'm screwed) with the inclusion of the H.Montag reference. :)

    Summer finally arrived in Seattle yesterday with a BANG! I know this will seem like nothing to everyone else, but we're expecting low 90s today and tomorrow. Our high on Monday was 68!

    ReplyDelete
  27. How poignant this post is. You see, I chose this past weekend to move from a home with central air to a home with no fricking air at all. All in the middle of a heat wave. I actually fantasized about coming to work, just to sit in the chilled, canned air. So give me freezing temps right now. Only, please throw in Jacob...Edward creeps me out (and yes, I realize that as a 32 year old woman, it borders on pervy to have the hots for a 17 year old werewolf, but hey. No one's perfect.).

    ReplyDelete
  28. Being an Alaskan I prefer cold so that it's cozy to fire up the sauna and then it feels good to be really really hot because you know there's relief and have best of both worlds. I agree that it's easier to relieve cold discomfort rather than heat discomfort. (coming form someone that took yearly winter trips to SE Asia and now snowbirds in Arizona)

    ReplyDelete
  29. I live in Sydney (the Australian one), which in summer can have temperatures of 48 Celsius. Which is around the 120 Farenheit mark. And that's with 100% Humidity. And that's not during a heatwave either. That's just the daily temperature.

    So I prefer cold. As in 45 below (again, Celsius). But that's probably because I'm Canadian.

    ReplyDelete
  30. burn, baby, burn!!!

    and lol@ stacy's diabetes

    ReplyDelete
  31. Can I choose the cold climate but have Jacob there all hot with me?

    ReplyDelete
  32. Growing up in Texas the highlight of my adult life has been vacationing in January or February to someplace cold, preferably with snow. I'm upset enormously by this heat wave in the NE as I planned a relaxing (and cooling) experience in upstate Pennsylvania and Brooklyn. Please, please have it cool down soon!

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...