Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Everything I've Always Hated About Summer* *But Was Too Afraid To Admit: Volume 1

Watermelon. I hate watermelon. There, I've said it. I hate the mealy texture. I hate the too-sweet flavor. I hate the rind, which looks like the Green Lantern got stretch marks. You know what I find refreshing? A cocktail, and when I'm drunk enough, maybe a S'more. What? Nothing beats the heat like marshmallow stuck in your hair, and you know it. Anyway, while I wait for God or Zeus or someone to smite me, I might as well admit that I hate all melon. I'm sorry you had to find out like this.


Heat. It's not just an interminably long Michael Mann movie. Hey-oh!

Madras*. What the fuck is Madras? Why does it exist? It is plaid's schizophrenic cousin who's only allowed outside between Memorial and Labor Days. It is the suit Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs would make if he went vegan. It is a blight on humanity and it must be stopped.

When you're finished having your stroke, tell me how this was allowed to happen.

*Me: "I'm uninspired today so I'm just writing about how I don't like watermelon, or Madras." 
Jeff : "The city?" 
Aw, bless.

Beach volleyball. To sully the beach with any sport other than frozen Charleston Chew-eating or competitive sunburning (is that just my family?) is flat-out un-American. Also, as you may have guessed, I am not good at volleyball under normal circumstances, and when that genetic betrayal is coupled with the possibility of crotch sand things can get bleak very fast.

To be continued...  
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48 comments :

  1. Though I considered un-following you with the watermelon dis, you redeemed yourself with beach volleyball. I freakin' HATE beach volleyball. Jumping and running on sand in a swimsuit is difficult enough without worrying about getting a ball over a net. Add to that the anxiety about jiggling and wedgies and the sweat pouring down my face, displacing my non-sporty sunglasses? NOFREAKINTHANKYOU!

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  2. I know -- I figured I would make a few enemies with the watermelon admission. But in my defense I fully support others' right to enjoy watermelon.

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  3. You must have had city melons.

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  4. I have to comment for the first time to say that I'm totally with you on hating watermelon. I'm glad I'm not alone in this apparently un-American school of thought! :)

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  5. Hmmm.. watermelon? Perhaps the melon in your land is not sooo.. umm.. shall we say, fresh?? LOL If you ever lose your mind and feel frisky - take a flight to ATL - then hop in a car heading south to Cordele , Georgia. They claim to be the watermelon capital and have a festival to back it up.

    Wow. Watermelon. Yeah - you got me there. ;-)

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  6. Ugh. I hate watermelon too, but what I hate even more than watermelon is when people say "How can you hate watermelon?" I'm now going to refer them to this post because you explained it perfectly.

    And whoa. I wasn't aware that others were aware of frozen Charleston Chews, which are, quite frankly, THE BEST!

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  7. The only time I enjoy watermelon is when I'm already drunkie pants and it is injected with a RUM. My mom once spent more hours than I can count carving a watermelon into a basket and then...filled it with other fruit! WTF? I tried to lift that watermelon basket only to break the handle and blame my brothers. Apparently watermelon makes me lie too..

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  8. Although I do love watermelon it's not to the point where I will scold you. Who am I to judge? I don't like blueberries. Or kittens. Or Ben Stiller movies. There, I said it. I'm Frreeeeeeee!

    I also dislike beach sports, with the possible exception of horseshoes where you get to stand in one place. There's nothing worse than being happily planted in the sand with a good book and your (most likely new) beach-going partner turns to you and says "I'm bored. Let's DO something." I'm sorry, we're at a beach. By definition, I should be either a)reading, b) listening to my iPod and not your face, or c) laying flat on my back in the water to cool off from all that laying flat on my back on the sand.

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  9. Thank you for re-establishing my right to enjoy watermelon. As it was I was "going" to call you some kind of a freak of nature for not liking it. Oops, I guess I just did. :) Oh, and I'll ditto the nay on beach volleyball. Or any other kind of volleyball for that matter.

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  10. I suddenly feel like I need to burn this skirt in my closet because the plaid looks like one of those shirts (except orange/brown and came from Ann Taylor). *off to remove my fashion violation*

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  11. Have you ever tried watermelon margaritas??

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  12. Melon haters unite! I have never liked any kind of melon and you can't make me. What's up with melon-hater hate? More for the melon-lover I say. I will admit to having eaten cantalope, but that's only because a salty piece of prosciutto was wrapped around it.

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  13. Don't feel bad. I hate ice cream, and that means people think I'm the human equivalent of madras.

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  14. My three year old is also not a fan of watermelon and I, although a fan of it, admire his individuality and choices. People can deal.

    Volleyball is evil. It hurts your arms and no matter what anyone says it's not a team sport. It's just an opportunity to practise some Darwinism on skinny girls with perms and glasses...or was that just me?

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  15. Geez... I love watermelon on a hot day. Not too heavy, not too sweet, and mostly water. Refreshing!

    I also like beach volleyball. If you're going to be on a beach, you might as well do something. But mostly, I just like watching women play it (it's just the dirty old man in me!).

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  16. Is madras the same as cheesecloth? it looks like it might be, a nice reminder of the 1970's

    There are two ways to enjoy watermelon:-
    1) drop one out of an upstairs window and watch it splatter !!
    2) Inject it with vodka, freeze it, hit it with a sledgehammer to smash it, and then eat the bits.

    Beach volleyball - designed by some freak of nature who doesn't object to madly bouncing boobs and a sand wedgie

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  17. Hate is very close to love!!!!!!!!

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  18. I totally agree with everything. Except watermelon. Do you at least like watermelon flavor? I'm a big texture freak myself, so I totally understand you there. But come on, watermelon candy? You could eat it at the beach while mocking people who are lame enough to play beach volleyball!

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  19. YESSS!! another fellow melon hater! I am not alone in this world. fuck watermelon and all of it's cousins too

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  20. Hello, meet a fellow melon-hater. All of them. Always have, always will. Vom.

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  21. I'm so not with you on the watermelon, however the beach volleyball I'm totally there. And I know about what to do on the beach...afterall I'm from Florida. People out there throwing footballs, and doing something other than drinking a cool refreshing cocktail and lying in the sun...whatever.

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  22. Madras only looks good on you if you're 5 years old.

    I looooove drinking on a deck in the good weather.

    http://laughinginpurgatory.blogspot.com/p/where-is-mohammed.html

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  23. How do I hate summer, let me count the ways: heat; humidity; heat; sweat; heat; "Some-are" people; heat;etc. However, I love fruit, berries and melon -- and sandals (I wear these as long as I can into the Autumn/Winter and start early in the Spring -- now with the new Birkenstocks I can see me wear them year-round). Sports --What sports -- none, thank you please. Just more sweat and heat.

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  24. Thank you! Finally someone who understands my dislike of watermelon. I agree with you on the watermelon and the madras but not on the beach volleyball but that's probably because I've irrevocably screwed my hips up playing all through high school.

    Down with the melon opressors!

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  25. I effing hate all melon, too, and it irritates me when people don't understand why/how I don't share their love of a fruit that tastes like bad breath. Or they assume you just have never tried a GOOD melon before. Nope! I just hate melon, you dumbass!

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  26. Although I don't agree with the watermelon, I must respect your honesty. Not many people would have had the guts to admit their disdain for such a loved summer time staple. Much respect.
    Although I am with you on the Madras. I just don't know what to say about that.

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  27. i hate melon too!! support group?

    only thing worse than actual watermelon is the artificially watermelon-flavored things; to me, it is rank.

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  28. and i think the first item of clothing i refused to wear as a small child was a pair of madras shorts. i threw it into the scary closet so it would never be seen again.

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  29. I'm with you on the mealy watermelon... watermelon with booze well, that is another story. And yes, crotch sand sucks!!

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  30. I too find watermelon to be a useless...never liked it...I do like a good ripe canteloup....
    And Madras....eh...who cares...except the boys over at the various Trad blogs and Preppy Blogs...they get a virtual boner over the stuff.
    You continue to crack me up....

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  31. You could tell you're an alcoholic when: You said "madras" and I immediately thought of the cocktail... you know? Cranberry with orange and vodka, it's called a madras. And I was all "Who in the world could possibly hate a madras?" :)

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  32. I think any sport in 100 degree heat is lame (except maybe swimming or something related to alcohol- or drinking margaritas in the pool)- then add that this sport might coerce sand to go places sand should not be- ack.

    I gotta say it- watermelon is delicious when blended with lime, sugar, ice, and vodka.

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  33. I hate watermelon too! Yay for other people that do!

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  34. You're completely right, cocktails trump melons any day.

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  35. yeah, i hate watermelon too. it's too watery tasting, like church kool-aid.

    can't wait to read part 2!

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  36. I also hate watermelon and all melons. My patients like to buy them at the farmer's market and force me to gaggingly cut them. And frozen Charleston Chews are my favorite thing!!! Chocolate only!!

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  37. Watermelon soaked in Vodka? stretch marks bwah ha ha. So true

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  38. i love watermelon, but agree with like EVERYTHING else. i fucking hate the heat. madras makes me feel like i may be about to have a seizure. and a beach is for relaxing, swimming, and possibly drinking. maybe building a sand castle if you're a kid... or already drunk.

    http://justanotherwastedday.blogspot.com/

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  39. You forgot about sweat,uggh.

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  40. Can you please not use Schizophrenic as a derogatory term? A lot of us with the disease find it offensive.

    Thanks.

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  41. Thank you to all the melon haters who have my back.

    And @Shinxy, of course -- I meant no offense and am sorry to have been insensitive. Comparing any group of people to Madras is a horrible slur in and of itself.

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  42. I've got a pretty good watermelon plant going in my garden... I will name my first melonling "Sassy" in your honor :)

    Great post!

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  43. Watermelon is awful. Almost no flavor, icky texture, full of stupid seeds that stopped being fun to spit when I was 3, and drippy. Blech. One of my favorite things about my husband is that he also hates watermelon.

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  44. Yea! Someone else who hates watermelon! Can I add pineapple to this list as well? It's so not worth it

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  45. NO one mentioned that watermelon also gives you the runs...ew.

    I hate summer. Well...the only thing I like about summer is that it makes my year-round wearing-of-flip-flops look not so crazy...who cares if there's snow on the ground? They're not YOUR feet!

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  46. IIIIII hate watermelon as well. I get weird looks and harsh judgements whenever I admitted it. Thank you for finally having the courage.

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  47. Hate melons. Hate beach volleyball. Have a J Crew madras skirt from college that I still love dearly.

    But I'll go one degree past watermelon...I hate Fourth of July. Not the holiday necessarily, but the pressure to take my kids to a hot parade where they can dash in front of vintage Corvettes to get candy, and the pressure to drive said kids in a two hour traffic jam to see 20 minutes of fireworks past their bedtime being eaten by bugs to get in same traffic jam home. I'm a bad American.

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  48. Anonymous12:17 PM

    The shirts that you posted are actually examples of madras PATCHWORK. Madras itself is a thin (summer weight) cotton plaid, but it need not be patchwork. Likewise, patchwork need not be made out of madras. Which do you really hate--madras, patchwork, or the combo of the two?

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