Monday, July 12, 2010

Embarrassing Things That Make Me Cry, Other Than Night Ranger

I'm getting fucking weepy as I get older.

Seriously, it's like every new chin hair is a little electrical wire that leads from the outside world straight into my heart.

It happens on the subway when I'm reading Star and unwittingly flip to an ad for one of those cleft palate charities. It happens at work when I check CNN and stumble across their requisite horrific violent crime of the day (with video!). Hell, it even happens when I'm watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and Teresa tells Dina that she wants her to be the godmother of her two day-old baby, who is already bedecked with enough spangles and bows to make Johnny Weir seethe with jealousy.

What happens is that my emotional gag reflex kicks in, fast and furious. Imaging someone trying to hold back vomit, and now imagine that the vomit is actually tears. Now imagine that person letting out a strangled gasp that sounds kind of like a parrot imitating someone gargling. Now imagine that this person is sitting next to you on a crowded subway. I know -- I AM SO CHARMING. But I guess it could be worse -- my vagina could be on fire.

Anyway, in honor of my newfound hormonal imbalance, I decided to make a list of some embarrassing things that make me cry other than the song "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger, which I have already discussed in some detail.

Ahem...

When Zack and Kelly break up on Saved By the Bell while, in the background,  Jesse and Slater do a lip-synch duet to Michael Bolton's "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You."

The Captain and Tennille of Zack Attack, ladies and gentlemen.

Looking at other people's ultrasounds... even if those people are total strangers (Note: I am talking about the old-fashioned black and white 2-D ones, not the creepy 3-D sepia ones that make the fetus look like it's been sculpted in cheese -- um, no offense, parents-to-be.)

The end of An American Tail. ("Fievel?" "Papa!" brings out the full-on ugly cry.)

When people get "revealed" to their family and friends on fashion makeover shows. (The sight of someone's formerly dumpy loved one finally getting a clue and wearing a bias-cut skirt has the same effect on me as chopping onions, apparently.)

The Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commerical (And I don't even like Sarah McLachlan OR cats OR the song "Angel", dammit. And I will tell you exactly why I don't like them as soon as I blow my nose. I'm not crying. It's just raining ... on my face.)

When Gene Wilder loses his shit at Charlie in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the 1971 version, thankyouverymuch -- Johnny Depp's Michael Jackson impression freaks me out) after Charlie and Grandpa Joe break the rules.

"What are wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you: no wire hangers EVER!?"

This last one I think is not so much from sadness, but rather fright mixed with sympathy for Charlie's crushing loss of a lifetime supply of candy. That is rough, dude.
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40 comments :

  1. Ah! An American Tail makes me cry, as well, along with any SPCA commercial. Also, funeral commercials.

    I love this idea. I cry way too often. Making a list sounds fun!

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  2. Ugh! ASPCA, every fucking time. Dammit!

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  3. Ugh! ASPCA every damn time! What the...?

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  4. Love the Flight of the Conchords reference! Bloody brilliant!!

    (And I'm not even British, which goes to show how much I loved it.)

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  5. You know what if Sarah McLaghlan's PSA doesn't make you cry, you are one heartless bitch.

    I am a weepy bitch myself, something that I can be comfortable enough around Diz to be. But the other night I caught his eyes filling with tears at the conclusion of Toy Story 3, so there's justice for ya.

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  6. Ooh, an American Tail reference, love it! I adored that movie and havent thought of it in ages.

    As for the vagina on fire reference, ewww, ugh, yikes.... There is a visual we so do not need!

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  7. Right there with you sista! My husband thinks I am nuts but I cry at the silliest things sometimes too. Most notable is a Hallmark commercial featuring a grandparent and her grandchildren and a heartfelt card purchase and made by a huge manufacturing company with "heartfelt poem" inscribed for millions to receive and enjoy.

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  8. The night we dropped our oldest off at college his freshman year, I burst into tears in the middle of a Safeway grocery store when Peabo Bryson (sp?) began warbling "Somewhere Out There" over the store sound system. Damn you, "American Tale."

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  9. That Sarah MacLachlan commercial. Oh Je-suz every time it gets me. I'm an animal lover so I guess it's so bad... Saved by the Bell though? You made me smiel.

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  10. Whoever doesn't cry on An American Tail has no heart. Or soul.

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  11. Night Ranger makes me cry too, but not in a good way.

    (To be totally honest I do like "You Can Still Rock In America")

    http://laughinginpurgatory.blogspot.com/2010/07/woman-is-nigger-of-world.html

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  12. An American Tale gets me every time. It's like turning 30 just threw everything out of whack. Everything chokes me up now. Disgusting.

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  13. Rebecca11:33 AM

    Why does that ASPCA make everyone cry? If that was what they were going for, congratulations, because I sob like a baby everytime it comes on.

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  14. Anonymous11:36 AM

    When Ellen broke up with Alex P Keaton on Family Ties...so therefore the song At This Moment by Billy Vera and the Beaters. Heartbreaker!

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  15. That's what remotes are for! I don't think I've ever seen the end of Extreme Makeover. Or Forest Gump. Or any of the "He sure looks dead" rescue shows on Animal Planet. At least there's a "Here come the poor, sad-eyed third world children" alert when that too creepy-for-me white bearded guy walks through some tropical village soliciting money from Christians.

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  16. And I thought I was bad. Except for me, it's the episode where Jesse becomes addicted to speed, and Zack goes to get her when she's late, and she wakes up and starts rushing around to get ready, singing "I'm so excited" over and over again. Gah, I'm tearing up.

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  17. I find myself crying over the ATT Wireless commercial. Doesn't everyone deserve world wide coverage?

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  18. When kids sing, it always makes me cry....unless they are singing "Baby Got Back." That just makes me dance!

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  19. Ummmm...have you peed on a stick, lately? I'm just sayin'...

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  20. Ugh, the worst for me is when Fievel says (so earnestly), "I'm looking for my family." My husband and I say it to each other when we try to rescue a stray bug in the house rather than kill it. Every bug is Fievel. Unless it has a million legs.

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  21. Seriously......I think you're pregnant. I'm waiting the proverbial time frame before it's ok to announce it but when you do, I'm gonna stand up and scream I KNEW IT!

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  22. Jeez, you guys, I am NOT PREGNANT. I swear! I've always been emotional. And cleft palate babies are sad, OKAY?

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  23. Cotton - it's the fabric of our lives, y'all. And there's Carville and Matlin cuddling!

    Also: beef is what's for dinner. There's nothing like slaughtered cow to make me cry, because (you know) cowboys and shit.

    My 2-year old said to me one day: "I'll never find my family." And I said, "Never! Say Never!" etc.

    Once you give birth to the child you deny being pregnant with, you can show him/her An American Tail and then use it for parenting. It's great for hurrying them along ("Keep walking, Feivel!")

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  24. My whole family cries. You're talking about "Smile Train" right? It's embarrassing, I have to leave the room when it comes on.

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  25. Fievel makes me cry too, all animated movies with talking animals do. And the ASPCA commercials, Sarah McLachlan or no. Damn that ASPCA!

    Gene Wilder makes me terror-cry, if that's the same thing.

    So you see, you're not alone. :D

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  26. The SPCA commercial forces me to go hug my dog and weep openly. Nobody I know can get through that damn commercial without boo-hooing.

    Stupid Finding Nemo made me sob and most recently, that movie Up...I cried like a friggin' baby when I saw that in the theater...But, coincidentally, I was totally pregs. Something to consider...Even though you say you're not.

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  27. All animal movies and commercials (live or cartoon) make me cry....not much else does.

    But I must tell you this.....You made me LAUGH. What talent to write about tears and sad stuff and still be able to make people laugh while they are crying.

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  28. I've been watching a lot of late night television lately and on every commercial run they play that damn ASPCA commercial, so for me staying up late and watching lifetime movies about how suburban housewives are forced into prostitution to pay their bills (that one comes on July 19th for those interested) infused with those poor puppies and kittens is like an all night cryfest.

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  29. I'll tell you, Feivel, Bambi, the Beast . . . they all have it out for trip-wired snot-bearers like us.

    On another note, I saw Night Ranger last year for my birthday -- they played with Journey. Sniff. Yes, *When You Close Your Eyes* (do you dream about me?) had me sniveling like a slug with hayfever.

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  30. P.S. Are you saying that vaginas should NOT catch fire?

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  31. Fievel, Family Ties (except my heartbreaker episode is where Alex'a friend kills himself or dies, did he kill himself? I can't remember), Extreme Home Makeover, animals and starving babies. Think we've covered it all. Although I'm sure we haven't because besides being an out and out bitch the majority of the time it takes very little for me to tear up. Yay estrogen.

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  32. I've always been a cryer. Your second-cousin, twice removed on your great uncles' best friend's side died? *sobs* I'm so sorry for your loss.
    Well, maybe not that bad...but I've pretty much stopped watching TV altogether since my husband deployed...EVERYTHING is potentially sad. Extreme Home Makeover is THE WORST...Did you see the one with the injured Veteran? I bawled for hours....I'm pathetic sometimes.

    P.S. As heartless as it sounds...I'm glad I'm not the only one. ;)

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  33. Tears in heaven by Eric Clapton

    Reading the kid's book "I'll love you forever"

    'nuff said

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  34. Somewhere ouuuttt there, beneath the pale moonligggghht, someones thinking of me and loving me tonigggggght. Omg sobbbbb. Also, just reading about charlie and Grampa Joe made me cry. Its totally a fear/sadness cry for them...and they all sleep in the same bed, that makes me sad.
    Also that Zack and Kelly breakup- oy...tears. We must be RELATED or something ;)

    I'm kind of an asshole for being more upset by these than by the ASPCA commercials.

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  35. Holy crap! I was just watching my friend's 3 year old and read him "I'll Love You Forever" ...um, seriously, kid, my eyes are just a little sweaty today, they've been looking around a lot...

    Also, the new iphone commercial where the chick is getting an ultrasound and is video chatting with her husband/boyfriend/babydaddy in the military? every fucking time...

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  36. I've got worse at this as I've grown older (3 chin hairs and counting). Most 'Scrubs' episodes will do it for me - every time! It's fiction, stupid brain,FIKSHIN!!

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  37. Talk about crying over an animated movie, rent "Nester the Long Eared Christmas Donkey" . Talk about a cry fest. That one's been making me cry since I was 5 years old.

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  38. Lissie's Cover of the Hank Willilams song "wedding Bells"
    Give it a try!

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  39. Anonymous7:46 AM

    There used to be a DuPont commercial (ugh!) that showed a radar system they had developed in a helicopter, and you hear the propeller's thump thump thump in the dark while they search at night for a lost child who, it turns out, has fallen down a well. Totally manipulative.....and made me well up in two seconds flat every time.

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  40. The ASPCA commercial gets me too!

    This was part of my Friday Five at Kate's Library!

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