Monday, June 14, 2010

Una Loompa: Songs of Self-Tanning

Every once in awhile I succumb to the siren song of the self-tanning market. This time, I think, I will come out looking like Elle MacPherson dipped in caramel instead of like a preteen drag king version of Valentino.

And yet...

I've done this before. Why don't I learn?

A lesson, in verse:

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do
I have a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dee
If you are wise, you'll listen to me

What do you get when you try to self-tan?
A cross between a zebra and Lindsay Lohan.
Please just accept that your skin is see-through.
Pumpkin is not a good color for you.

(I don't like the look of it.)

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da
Embrace your whiteness and you will go far.
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do

Bonus song, because this photo is just too perfect:

White girl!
There's no need to be brown
I said, white girl!
Put the self-tanner down
I said, white girl!
'Cause you look like a clown
There's no like Snooki
Stay away from the DHA
Stay away from the DHA...

Oh, man. I'm cracking myself up. I think these are tears of joy. Off to exfoliate!


  1. Oh I'm glad not to be the only one with a cupboard full of tried and failed self-tanners. I keep them just in case I'm tempted by a new miracle tanner. Then I look at all the old miracle tanners. Yeah. Albino.

  2. Anonymous9:59 AM

    What brand did you use? I also have see through skin but have (in the past) used Toma's Tan Perfect and it works pretty well. Looks like chocolate pudding so when you're smearing yourself up you can see where it goes. Good luck with your loofa!

  3. Anonymous9:59 AM

    I once worked at a tanning salon, for a week... they made me tan because I was "too white and pale to sell the product" and I burned after 1 min. in the lightest bed!

    I love my pale pasty skin... it just doesn't love me. Nothing fake has ever wrked for my! I LOVE THE SONGS! I'm embracing!

  4. Una... I'm dying here! Thankfully I don't have to tan but your misadventure does make me giggle. Love it!

  5. I have tried many but Neutrogena's Build-a-tan Gradual sunless tanning lotion is the bomb! Seriously it's gradual so there is no streaking and it allows you to decide how dark you wanna go.

  6. The second song is my favourite and pure brilliance! I have never tried self-tanner due to my good fortune of my mother getting knocked up by a Latino man; therefore I have a little colour but I still feel your pain. Embrace your lovely ivory complexion,Casper!

  7. Una. Love it. And I feel your pain.

    I recently found a photo from junior year (on a public flikr page!) in which my skin color could be used as a Benjamin Moore sample for "burnt oompa." Scarier than the photo itself is how amazing I thought I looked at the time. Eek.

  8. I feel your pain. I do this every season too...and I always think, 'no, this time it will work'. Alas, I too am fated to be pale or streaky...I think I'll settle with pale.
    ps, bravo on the songs. I especially love the 2nd!

  9. Embrace your whiteness.
    You know, it used to be in vogue to have flawless white skin.

  10. Sing it sister! I have tried many a home tan and failed so I tried a spray on tan - frighteningly Snooki-esque.

  11. So...let me confirm: having used the tanner to make your skin streaky, the solution is to scrape off the skin entirely? Does this seem reasonable?

    Be streaky, baby! And then, after 2-4 weeks, be white, baby!

  12. Giiiiiiiirrrrl it's all about the Jergens Natural Glow (gradual tanner lotion).

  13. Jessica is totally right about Jergens Natural Glow daily moisturizer. This stuff really works - and no zebra skin! Which reminds me, I'm need to go put some of this on myself lest I scare the children with my scary super white legs!!

  14. Ooh! ooh! I have a self-tanner story! The guy I lost my virginity to was going to get married in a month and we decided to "give it a go" one more time before he went off the market. (I was young okay! Cut me some slack.) I'd used a self-tanner earlier in the day and he had a helluva time explaining the orange handprints all over his butt, inner thighs, etc. the following day.

  15. 2nd song was an epic win. true story.

  16. Love the oompa loompa song. Best of luck in your future endeavors... I know that Jergens stuff that everyone is talking about really does work, but hey, what's wrong with embracing your whiteness? =)

  17. You are my all-time favorite blogger.

  18. Anonymous10:57 PM

    So hilarious. I've totally been there. More than once. I should show you my prom photo. Ugh, so embarrassing.


  19. I love to see that this doesn't just happen to me!

  20. At least you have the courage to admit it. Some of the gals I see with fake tans will swear up and down it's natural, despite the unnatural resemblance to a carrot.

  21. Ahahaha...this is hilarious. I am so sorry you had to experience this...but I loved the songs! AWESOME.

  22. This was awesome. I've been there....several times, and it's always a disaster. Yea, a redhead ( Ginger) with orange skin...that looks real natural ( and totally hot.).


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