Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Throwing in The Towel(s)

So somehow I ended up in Bed, Bath and Beyond last night, wandering zombie-like, transfixed by a wall of carpets.

I was there because all our towels were dirty. OK, stop laughing. See, I dropped off laundry the other week and I swear to God I put in, like, seventeen towels, but only two came out. Either they were in the hamper so long they resorted to cannibalism, or the laundry people stole them.

 (Or they got high and wandered off...)

I think the laundry people stole them.

Hear me out.

We were missing towels, but we also got a single baby sock. Do you think that's a message? Is that like The Godfather horse head of launderers?

Anyway, I was sick of using the same damp, accidentally Clearasil-bleached towel that Jeff and I have been sharing for a week. It had gotten to the point where every time I wiped my face I was acutely aware of the statistical likelihood that I was putting my nose to a swath of towel that had been used to dry genitals (after a week, I'm pretty sure it's like 100%).

So I bought two new towels instead of doing laundry. (It could have been worse--when I lived with a group of men after college, they once left a dirty pot go for so long that it grew its own ecosystem. Lifting the lid was seriously like peering down into Fraggle Rock. Rather than washing this pot, my roommates duct-taped the lid shut and put it out on the curb. This was probably during a "Stairway Clean," a technique they invented in which we tidied the entire house in the time it took to play Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven.)

Point being, buying new towels instead of doing laundry is lazy as hell, but I don't want another baby sock, dude. That shit freaks me out.
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26 comments :

  1. I'm really confused......You don't wash your own clothes?

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  2. Speaking as someone who owns baby socks, that is super-annoying.

    Not only are you being reminded that the world expects your womb to grow a tiny foot for that sock (I'm guessing here, since you're married and people push babies like narcotics after you get married), but also there is a tiny foot out there somewhere which will remain unclothed. And what of the sock's mate? Poor li'l guy. I'll bet he's lonely in the drawer all by himself. :(

    p.s. Thanks for reminding me to only buy white towels from now on. There is nothing worse than a benzoyl peroxide-induced shroud of Turin on all your green towels. It's like announcing to all your house guests, "Hey! Look at this towel! I have adult acne!"

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  3. Rachel -- Yes, in NYC no one has their own washer/dryer, and you can pay the laundromat to wash and fold your clothes for you if you don't want to spend hours there. It's indulgent, but also cheap.

    TB -- Hahaha. "benzoyl peroxide-induced shroud of Turin." So perfect.

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  4. We need new towels too. I hate towel shopping! On rare occasions I have also had the dreaded thought while using my husbands towel... where has this towel been??? Boys are gross, even clean ones. :)

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  5. Reading this reminded me that me, a single girl living all alone, that has about 10 towels so I could go WEEKS without doing laundry...until the underwear ran out. I'm not even sure why I have so many. Maybe you could stock up on your towels to avoid baby socks. Or I could send you some. Ha. Just a suggestion. :)

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  6. I love the entire concept behind the Stairway Clean.

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  7. I would LOVE to have someone do my laundry, out of all the household chores, laundry is my least favorite. Unfortunately, we have a washer/dryer in our house, so I guess I can't justify this extra expense. :)

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  8. I agree with Amber. Even clean boys are gross. My boyfriend's 18 year old son moves in next weekend and I'm terrified that this place will become a hazmat situation.

    Fraggle Rock...LOVED it!

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  9. Ugghhh reminds me of the roommate I had that left a raw chicken in the microwave. We found it a week later, told her about it, then cleaned it up ourselves 2 weeks later because she kept "forgetting about it." We just tossed the bowl it was in too because it was disgusting.

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  10. I am confused as well. I live in Georgetown Ky, (just outside the thriving metropolis that is Lexington, home of the Wildcats, Coach Cal, George Clooney, current residence of Steve Zahn and the soon to be World Equestrian Games) ever hear of it? Anyway, I can't comprehend dropping off the delicates to an anonymous group for washing. How long are your clothes held hostage before you are able to ransom them? I mean, we are not so simple that we don't utilize a dry cleaner every now and again, but your underwear? I can't imagine. What if you got someone else's by mistake. Has that ever happened?

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  11. This also works with underwear, glasses, plates, knives, forks and socks!

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  12. that is just tooo freakin hilarious! (<--- yeah, real original line, right? i'm pretty sure i say that to every one of your posts).... however, i'm laughing, because i totally think the same way! it has come to the point where i would watch jason dry off, and see what part of the towel he uses to dry himself (and his crack)... does he use the same part everytime? if so, then we can POSSIBLY share a towel in the future.... if not, i will use papertowels or dirty clothes to dry myself off before i use the same towel.... i cannot IMAGINE smothering my face in between his butt cheeks, no matter how clean they are....

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  13. I suppose one solution would be to have a towel specifically designated for drying ones genitals? The concept is overtly grotty, but somewhat practical.

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  14. Amused. Also humbled! Stairway Clean puts my system of progressively relinquishing visual-corrective devices until my world is a happy blur to shame.

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  15. Una & Jeff,
    This might come in handy for you two.

    http://www.amazon.com/Westminster-Butt-Face-Towel-Model/dp/B0006GKKLW

    Your cousin, Emily

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  16. Ha! I was just at the laundromat today doing my laundry. I was on my laptop (thanks, free wi-fi) and a little girl walked up to the table I was sitting at, put something on it on the other side of my laptop screen out of my view, and quickly walked away. I tiled my screen down to see..... A SINGLE BABY SOCK. Not kidding. So I can appreciate your story even more.

    AND the guy who owns the laundromat was telling me he wanted to offer the service of doing laundry for people but we were talking about how not enough people around here would pay for that - only useful in a place like NYC. You proved our point :).

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  17. The laundry people sometimes come and take my left socks.

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  18. We have lots of towels. I put out one one a hook for hubby and fold mine on the rod. Hubby uses them interchangably. WAA. Colors different, he doesn't notice. It's a SYSTEM, dude. I'm protecting my FACE.

    I do love the image of single baby socks appearing at random.

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  19. We have lots of towels. I put out one one a hook for hubby and fold mine on the rod. Hubby uses them interchangably. WAA. Colors different, he doesn't notice. It's a SYSTEM, dude. I'm protecting my FACE.

    I do love the image of single baby socks appearing at random.

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  20. Btw, I think it was Erma Bombeck who said that stray socks go to live with Jesus.

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  23. Seriously almost had my water come out of my nose. I can just imagine the towels turning to cannibalism. I once threw out a tupperware container that had been in the back of the fridge so long I had forgotten what was in it. I took one look at it saw mold clearly growing inside and tossed the whole thing. I don't care what was in it, I don't want to know what is in it now.

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  24. ROTFLMAO I feel the same way about used towels, even after the FIRST use!! Imaging genitals on the towel where my face is drying off is just a bit too much for my OCD-ish ass to deal with. xD I should totally have my laundry sent out....but if they sent me a baby sock, I would have to resort to drastic measures.

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  25. The universe is sending you some signs.... baby socks! lol

    My captcha is potoutio... sounds like a cute baby nickname don't you think?

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  26. Thank you for brightening my week with your stories! While I was living in my first apartment, someone stole all of my towels out of the dryer and I had to buy new ones. I included this over at Kate's Library as part of my Friday Five!

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