Friday, June 25, 2010

Texts From My Sister: Brushes With Death And Kelly Bensimon

2:30 PM:
OMG Kelly from Real Housewives is in front of my apt. building. She just had her friend take a pic of her with her cellphone. She looked crazy in the face as usual.
8:57 PM:
I'm pretty sure I'm about to die because of a Tootsie Roll. I put it in my mouth and it tasted like acid so I spit it out... but then my genes kicked in [Ed. note: Atta girl!] and I chewed it really fast to get to the inside (which was tasty btw) but now I'm worried about that acid taste. I figured it was rotten so how dangerous can a rotten Tootsie Roll be? But now I'm worried it's roach poison or something. I got it out of a dust bin at the bodega. This whole message is incredibly shameful haha. If I die, don't tell anyone about the Tootsie Roll.
Damn, I don't know which is scarier: This train wreck...


... or a rabid, poisoned midgee.


[I called Zoe right after I got the second text. After a prolonged debate about whether a Tootsie Roll can, in fact, rot, I asked her to text me if she really thought she was about to die. "Um, I might call 911 before I text you," she said, adding "If I die, you can't blog about this." So... good news, folks.]
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17 comments :

  1. The trainwreck is way scarier. Have you seen her "satchels of gold" meltdown? I'd rather die via tootsie roll.

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  2. fermented sugar is not going to kill ya :-) x

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  3. Anonymous11:12 AM

    OMG I love Kelly. They need to make a show of just Bethany (which you remind me of)* and Kelly locked in a room together for 48 hours. I would so watch that. Talk about a train wreck.

    *compliment

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  4. Your sis is hysterical! I'm glad she didn't die from a poisoned tootsie roll....which is kinda selfish because I want to hear more of her crazy texts.

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  5. Hypochondria gallops in your family, I see.

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  6. I would take the rotten Tootsie Roll over Kelly any day. Her skin texture looks similar to that of the tootsie roll.

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  7. I love that angry lookin' tootsie roll. Hope no one peed on that one your sis ate. bleh.

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  8. God I love tootsie rolls. But the first one is more of a mess. Even if her hair is fabulous.

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  9. That tootsie roll is terrifying

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  10. Model my ass. Kelly is a busted looking Re-tard'(yeah...accent on the second syllable).

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  11. Anonymous10:12 PM

    Okay, so she "spit it out" (direct quote there) and then went on to chew it and swallow it really fast? After spitting it out? Is this anything like eating M&Ms off the street? IS IT?

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  12. Personally, I would die for a Tootsie Roll too. They're just that good.

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  13. Mmm... can't get tootsie rolls here in Korea but I would prefer eating "healthy" gummi bears with Kelly Killoren "Look it's Al Sharpton!" Bensimon.

    www.gettingchiggae.blogspot.com

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  14. Yup, agreed. The train wreck is by far scarier. Her face is a mess.

    http://ahumblespoonful.blogspot.com/

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  15. Anonymous8:45 AM

    Ok, you haven't blogged since Friday - are you okay? Was it poisoned?

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  16. I'd be wayyy more worried about getting on Ms. Bensimon's bad side than I would be about eating a questionable tootsie roll.

    But did she find it in a dusty bin, or a dust bin (trash can)? Eating garbage candy usually isn't a good idea :)

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  17. Love: crazy-faced tootsie roll.

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