OMG Kelly from Real Housewives is in front of my apt. building. She just had her friend take a pic of her with her cellphone. She looked crazy in the face as usual.8:57 PM:
I'm pretty sure I'm about to die because of a Tootsie Roll. I put it in my mouth and it tasted like acid so I spit it out... but then my genes kicked in [Ed. note: Atta girl!] and I chewed it really fast to get to the inside (which was tasty btw) but now I'm worried about that acid taste. I figured it was rotten so how dangerous can a rotten Tootsie Roll be? But now I'm worried it's roach poison or something. I got it out of a dust bin at the bodega. This whole message is incredibly shameful haha. If I die, don't tell anyone about the Tootsie Roll.Damn, I don't know which is scarier: This train wreck...
... or a rabid, poisoned midgee.
[I called Zoe right after I got the second text. After a prolonged debate about whether a Tootsie Roll can, in fact, rot, I asked her to text me if she really thought she was about to die. "Um, I might call 911 before I text you," she said, adding "If I die, you can't blog about this." So... good news, folks.]