Thursday, June 3, 2010

Scene From A Marriage: Sisterhood of the Unraveling Underpants

First of all, I need to call attention to my "Tits ahoy!" joke from yesterday, because I was really proud of it and think it deserves another chance. TITS AHOY, you guys! Like Chips Ahoy! but boobs. If I ever get to name a porn star in a nautical-themed movie (which is bound to happen eventually), I think you know what she'll be christened.

Moving on.
The LaMarche-Zorabedian Playhouse Presents...
Scenes From a Marriage
Sisterhood of the Unraveling Underpants

Scene: Bed (as always; the best scenes from marriages happen there)

Jeff: Ah. I see you're rocking the granny panties. To what do I owe the pleasure?
Me: I'm out of underwear! I'm down to only granny panties.

[Pause. Flash of genius, like Greg Kinnear had with windshield wipers in that movie only way less boring.]

Me: I am running a panty nursing home.
Jeff: [In old lady voice] I was a thong, too, once!
Jeff: [In different old lady voice*] I was Underoos!

*Yes, I realize my husband is having an imaginary conversation between two pairs of my underpants using old lady voices. It is basically the five minutes after the end of Psycho that Alfred Hitchcock never filmed. But it keeps the magic alive.
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23 comments :

  1. OMG!! What a wonderfully wacky post! I love it. Now I'm thinking about girdles, bloomers, and Spanx...

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  2. I hate to think what my shorts would say. I know my wife(love her)would kill me, very slowly.

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  3. Oh that is fabulous! It's great to know that it's not only my man who has these moments... sadly though my man interprets what my left and right boob say to each other all day long.
    If we didn't have these highly amusing men to fill our blogs what would we do!! :)

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  4. And magic it is. I wonder if Grannies are ever insulted when we refer to ginormous unflattering underpants as 'Grannie panties'? Maybe there are some Grannies out there rockin' Victoria's Secret.

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  5. Thanks, guys!

    Renee: Jeff makes my boobs talk ALL THE TIME. You are not alone!

    And Cher, I never thought of that. I love that I can call you Cher, like THE Cher.

    Are you THE Cher?

    Were you offended by my blog when I used you as a distraction?

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  6. I think my 120 pair of panties probably have parties in the drawer when I'm at work.. fun post.

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  7. LMFAO!! honestly i dont really know what i would do if i didnt have your blogs keeping me laughing throughout my work day!!! i have to keep pretending to look serious when ppl walk by my office! very difficult

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  8. Oh lord, this is too wonderful. Can we have the Jeff and Una show now please?

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  9. LMFAO! That is so funny.

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  10. Oh that I were the real Cher. Woe is me that I am not. Although with enough vodka and the song Jesse James I can almost convince myself as such.

    I would never take offense; only pleasure at an honourable mention.

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  11. Very funny. There's nothing wrong with granny pants - those old ladies knew a thing or two about comfort. But I gotta ask: what kinds of conversations do boobs have?

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  12. Don't worry, I appreciated your Tits Ahoy joke (and caught that it was a reference to Chips Ahoy)! And that little interchange is just grand. I always enjoy your posts.

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  13. I love your posts!! And my kids look at me funny when I say "listen Mr. I have underwear older than you!"

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  14. Yes. That was awesome.

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  15. I feel like a good title for a book would be "if these undies could talk..."

    i'm not sure i'd like to hear what my chonies have to say. i fear they'd judge me.

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  16. I would just like to say.. isn't there another living soul out there who hates buying underwear? I can't bring myself to try them on - and I will take whatever medication I have to - to maintain the belief that others haven't tried on the pairs I buy. I never get ones that fit. And in the end.. oh my God, I buy ones like the pic you posted!!!

    I'm going to go and have a cry now.

    Very funny stuff tho Sassy.. thank you.

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  17. funniest "scene from a marriage" ever! I love these!

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  18. I'm behind on the tits ahoy jokes but consider granny underpanties a guilty pleasure. That would just be me. Not husband. No underpant nursing home skits going on here, What is wrong with us????

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  19. I found your blog a few days ago, and think you are the best medicine for depression! You crack me up!

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  20. The name of the playhouse just rolls off the tongue...BTW, got the Tits Ahoy thing and thought you quite clever and creative...another BTW, I think I saw you in a pic on the "blackberries to apples" blog enjoying the company of two sailors very cheeky...ha ha

    http://www.apackalipsnow.blogspot.com

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  21. Really, the only bad thing about granny panties is you need someone else to walk the corners towards you when you're folding them.

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  22. Such great comic relief. Loved it!

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  23. I'm a granny and find absolutely no offense to granny underwear jokes (don't wear em, like the French cut, granny pant with a little hike to em'). Love what Murr said about walking the corners to fold em'. I am still laughing.

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