Thursday, June 17, 2010

Polka Dots, Biker Boots, And Other Infidelities

I went back to an old lover this week.

It's okay--Jeff knows.

It's just a series of quick, meaningless encounters: I approach him, he seduces me, and at the end I pay him. My cheeks flush and my breath catches as I push all of his buttons: Add to Cart, Proceed to Checkout, and--that sweet spot--Place Order.

Yes, I've gone back to online shopping, and it hurts so good.

I don't usually have any money, so sometimes if I'm feeling depressed I'll fill up virtual shopping carts with hundreds of dollars worth of crap and then, before I can think too much about it, close my browser window. It's like playing credit card roulette. But I recently became a hundredaire again, and I haven't bought clothes in forever, so I decided to finally pull the proverbial trigger.

It all started with some sweet, cheap summer dresses from ModCloth that I just had to have.

Jeff loves a good boob detail. Anything placed in the vicinity of my nipples can keep him entertained for hours.

Die-hard readers may recall that I already own a similar retro polka dot dress, in which I used to procrastinate at work. Hmmm. I should probably amend my Top 10 Wardrobe Staples That Are Not Made of Sweatpants.


That got me really hot so then I decided I needed motorcycle boots to offset the twee factor of the polka dots. Specifically, the exact boots I saw Cameron Diaz wearing in InStyle. I KNOW. Just as jean shorts will not transform me into Giselle Bundchen, boots will not suddenly inspire me to style my hair with Ben Stiller's sperm. (Let's hope not, anyway.)

I hope the back of that dress says "If you can read this, the bitch fell off."

Buying shoes online is risky, but that only made it more exciting. I clicked. They shipped.

They did not fit.

To make myself feel better I bought this dress:

You GUYS. It has CANDY on it. How could I not buy this? (Fun fact: When I was little I had a beloved article of clothing I dubbed "the junk food t-shirt." It had drawings of ice cream bars and hamburgers and shit--shit as in other foodstuffs, not as in cow pies, just to be clear. To this day it pains me that I did not keep this shirt for my future children.)

And speaking of fabulous t-shirts (and awkward segues), my friend Alex, who was frustrated by the Lost finale (I watched it with him and remember his anger vaguely through my half-bottle of wine haze), made a tongue-in-cheek tee that he's selling:

It's the red herring Dharma station! Get it? So nerdy, yet so right. Buy it here.

Click the shit out of it. You know you want to.



  1. I'm glade the boots didn't work. Please tell us you are getting strappy sandals instead.

    My word verification is cowdeath.

  2. I do that too--fill up a cart and then close the browser. It works great unless I'm on Amazon, and then the stuff is still there the next time I log in, so I start to long for it again and sometimes will give in.

    I'm usually scared to buy clothes online because it's such a pain in the butt to return things and I know I'll never return them if they don't fit.

    I did, however, buy condoms online today. I got a sampler of the best condoms of 2010. It sounds weird when I type it, but I'm actually pretty excited about it. My condoms are no match for your candy dress, but they make me happy, nonetheless. :)

  3. Cute stuff! Too bad the boots didn't fit damn it.

  4. I love online shopping and I especially love online window shopping. In my opinion, it's the only way to shop. Those dresses are fabulous, and so are the boots. *sigh* I can't wait to have a job again so I can be a hundredaire and buy new clothes again.

  5. AH! yesterday forever21 delivered to me my newest addition to my floordrobe. Im so excited to get them on the blog soon, just need a friendly photog!


    Check out my giveaway

  6. I'm yet to buy shoes inline that fit exactly right... but still click in hope. It must be some female gene.

  7. I'm yet to buy shoes inline that fit exactly right... but still click in hope. It must be some female gene.

  8. I do this EXACT SAME THING. Even the "credit-card-roulette" (and really, that is most of what I do because I am unemployed and my husband is a grad student). And it usually starts at modcloth. And then seeps into Newport News. And Wet Seal. The stranger thing is... I loathe any type of shopping when it's not online!

  9. Sweet jesus... We might be able to nimbly exchange closet spaces AND NOT EVEN KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. I read through your top 10 things to wear and seriously, combined with this post- we are like karmactically linked. We wear the same same stuff. it's almost disgusting I found my twinkie in New York. I have to take pictures to show you... shocked.

  10. If you buy shoes from zappo's they let you send them back if they don't fit. For free. and they'll send you a new pair. I prefer old navy flip flops. I wear them a lot, do I don't shop online, but tons of people I know use zappo's.

  11. "I don't usually have any money, so sometimes if I'm feeling depressed I'll fill up virtual shopping carts with hundreds of dollars worth of crap and then, before I can think too much about it, close my browser window." Glad to know I'm not the only one who does that!

  12. Adorable dresses - I can't pull the mod look off, no matter how much detail is near the nipple.

  13. Anonymous11:15 AM

    Gave you an award!!

  14. Love he Dharma t-shirt.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate

  15. I love the dresses! I have an infinity for such (and seriously lack places to wear them, some how picking up kids in the ol' mini-van just isn't the same). Too bad on the a hard core Westerner (as in I live in the west, but I don't kick shit!) you'll find that dresses and boots are the the soul-mates that never were! ;0)

  16. Love the dresses, I hope you get the boots in your size too. I love online shopping because my husband usually isnt sly enough to figure out I bought something. is another thing to do at work that isnt actual work... YES!

    Also on a side note, how old is your husband, he looks like he could be a cast member on Glee... And I mean that in an "oh he's cute!" way and not insulting one. My husband looks like he could be on Gossip Girl, he's not sincere enough looking for Glee.

  17. Lou_Briccant12:31 AM

    I only wish they made a keyboard with a built-in breathalyzer so I won't buy silly crap off Ebay after a night of drinking. What am I gonna do with a 12 foot U-Haul trailer full of Barbie Doll heads?

  18. I love your old junk food shirt. Made me remember that back in the day (i.e., back when I was like 8), I had a bathing suit that was decorated with hamburgers and french fries. I loved that thing at the time, and now it just seems so very odd. Now I rarely even put on a bathing suit because of what one too many hamburgers with fries has done to my body. Le sigh.

  19. I love the dress with the candy, every afternoon-ish date that will go into night cocktails all at once-ish. If that made any sense. I beez following you now :) I thought I was before, but then it dawned on me that none of your new posts were coming up on my dashboard. Too much crack in my system I guess :( Anywho, I am now joined at the unibrow hip :) Yay!

  20. I could probably buy designer stuff with the amount I waste on absolute junk!!

  21. i like the polka dota dress's and the one shirt.the fact the shoes didnt fit sucks.i dont like the candy dress but top each there own.if you want to sell the shoes since they dont fit go to a consignment store near will put it in there store for money they get a portion of what you get for wont get the same amout you spent for them but hey you get some of your money back.or you could svae those and other items you no longer want and have a yard sale.still wont make what you got them for but get some of it back.or if you have an ebay account you can sell them on there.whatever youd like to do.still sucks they didnt fit

  22. Anonymous11:17 PM

    WIsh I had some money. I <3 Modcloth though. Lulu's too.

  23. This post just made my night....and I just had a really bad one...thanks


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