I spend way too much time thinking about Jon Cryer.
Before you get all up in my face, like “Gurrrrrl, I have every single episode of Partners taped on VHS—RESPECT!” let me say that I’m not a Kathy Bates-level #1 fan. I’m just slightly unhealthily obsessed with Philip F. “Duckie” Dale from Pretty in Pink.
How far does the obsession go? Well, the URL of this very blog is an homage to one of Duckie’s bon mots in the film. I have an original PIP movie poster—framed. And I may or may not have tried to adopt the parting phrase “I’m off like a dirty shirt” in high school, to spectacular failure.
I once told a friend that Mel from Flight of the Conchords is what my soul would be like if it took human form, but I think that’s selling myself a little short (and a lot mentally unbalanced). My soul is 100% Duckman: quirky, awkward, prone to impromptu dance performances and hairbrush-singing, lovesick, moody, unable to pull off a bolo tie.
And it’s not just Duckie, though he remains now, and will always be, my favorite. The truth is I’m a sucker for pop culture geeks. To wit:
Eugene Morris Jerome, Brighton Beach Memoirs
Turn-ons: Pretending to pitch for the Yankees; spying on next-door neighbor MILFs; fantasizing about first cousins; tense family moments
Turn-offs: Liver; blue balls
Cameron Frye, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Turn-ons: Obedience; pessimism; the Detroit Red Wings; totaling 1961 Ferrari GTs in a fit of repressed rage
Turn-offs: Cocksure best friends; asshole fathers
Seymour Krelborn, Little Shop of Horrors
Turn-ons: Blondes; blood; Doo-wop
Turn-offs: Skid Row; Sadistic dentists; bossy flesh-eating plants
Dr. Egon Spengler, Ghostbusters
Turn-ons: Parapsychology; spore, molds, and fungus; candy
Turn-offs: Small talk; crossing streams; being stopped from drilling holes in his own head
Then of course there's Brian Krakow, Roman from Party Down, and Data from The Goonies (who I love in a non-sexual way, seeing as I am not a pedophile). And I haven't even started on the ladies. So help me out -- who are your nerd crushes?