Friday, June 18, 2010

Medical Mysteries Volume 6: WebMDon't

I came home sick from work yesterday. I had a bad headache, plus congestion and a sore throat.

I watched five straight hours of The Bachelorette, which didn't really help, except that it finally answered the burning question, What if, after The College Years, Saved By the Bell's A.C. Slater moved to Canada, grew a soul patch, and became an entertainment wrestler? And also, why must there always be at least one contestant who recalls Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs? (Kasey, I am looking at you.)

Anyway. (Apologies to the men reading this, by the way. Yesterday it was online shopping and today it's The Bachelor and--spoiler alert!!!--pre-menstrual bloat. Next week it will be all Mythbusters and monster trucks, all the time.)

So, anyway, as I was segueing, anyway.

At some point I noticed a dull pain in my lower right abdomen. I had chalked it up to PMS or stress or intestinal Doozers (that is how digestion works, right?), but then Jeff had to be all, "It's not appendicitis, is it?" And then I Googled "appendicitis symptoms" and concluded that OMIGAH YES IT TOTALLY IS, AND I AM GOING TO DIIIIIEEEEE.

I was contemplating my imminent emergency surgery and whether I could still watch Hulu from a hospital bed when one of the symptoms caught my eye: "Abdominal swelling."

(Are you ready for my Jeff Foxworthy joke? Well, get ready.)

You know you're a woman if you're partially relieved at WebMD's appendicitis diagnosis because it explains your belly bloat.

It's like, Oh, thank God--I'm not fat, it's just one of my internal organs about to burst. Pass the Bugles.

Luckily, it turned out just to be gas, or maybe a bleeding ulcer or jungle parasite--WebMD has many theories, which he espouses eagerly and without much regard for my feelings. You know, I'm starting to wonder if his school was accredited.


  1. Anonymous8:49 AM

    WebMD is on my list of don't do.

  2. Ah yes...WebMD. A hypochondriac's wet dream.

    And no matter what symptom I put in there, it ALWAYS tells me I have herpes and am seconds away from an aortic aneurysm.

  3. Okay, speaking as a Canadian, why would A.C. Slater have to move to Canada to grow a soul patch and be a wrestler?? Just curious...

    I hope you're feeling better.

  4. Ross, I was referring to a specific contestant on The Bachelorette who is a Canadian, soul-patched, wrestler version of Mari Lopez. Don't tell me you're not caught up on this season!?! :)

  5. I was watching the bachelorrette the other day and thought 'these guys are just creepy' - some of them at least. I'm sooo with you about Kasey (or "clogged-up-throat-Kasey" - maybe he needs some drano perhaps?), is what I'm saying.

    Anyways, sorry you weren't feeling well. I was having some pain like you described and turns out it was mittelschmerz. I know it seems like a word that I just made up, but I swear it's real. Look it up if you have a chance, it apparently feels like you have appendicitis.

    Also, in looking it up I would follow your WebMDon't idea and search elsewhere. Happy Friday! :)

  6. This Bachelorette business is getting out of hand. Every blog I visit mentions it. I really need to get on the ball and watch this show. I've been dying with the flu for almost two weeks. I hope you feel better :)

  7. Anonymous12:06 PM

    OH MY GOODNESS you just cracked me up... pass the bugles. lol

  8. Remember that imagining illnesses can turn you into a hypochondriac.

  9. if you spend enough time on webmd, you can actually start diagnosing your friends' maladies...if you can do it with a stern, straight face. and preferably if you wear glasses. and both of you are pretty drunk.

  10. Lady, first and foremost, I hope you get better soon. Keep with the bugles, I hear they help.

    Secondly, I can't help but notice there are NO LINKS to any previous posts. I consider these links an extremely important means of delaying any actual work. I read every one of 'em because I can't possibly understand your love of candy without reading your previous 7 posts on the subject and work will just have to understand.
    Alas, there were no links today, and after this laboriously drawn out comment, I'll actually have to go back to earning my keep.

  11. My bad, Una. I've fallen behind on The Bachelorette. I haven't seen an episode since... well... I've never seen an episode.

  12. Yeah, WebMD told me I had Parkinson's...or a snake bite...or heroine withdrawls. Turns out I just had 3 mochachinos. But whatever, right? It's cheaper than health insurance. Hope you're feeling better...whatever it is.

  13. I have become SO LAZY at responding to comments. What is wrong with me?

    Perhaps I have anemia; I must consult WebMD.

    And outoftunepiano, dude, you flatter me. If you scroll down to all of my tags on the lower right column, you will find previous "medical mysteries". And I'm glad you like the backlinks. I'll keep 'em coming!

  14. Seriously Kasey must have swallowed a frog and what's with the creepy stalker songs?? This all bothers me very much seeing as my name is Casey... Guys with that name can't be trusted.

  15. I talked my wife out of Hashimoto's Disease which she was certain she had when she woke with a pain in her neck. My prayers to Jeff and other long-suffering husbands.

  16. webmd has made me believe i was dying several times. at one point i thought i had prostate cancer because of webmd...but thats impossible because im a chick. okay im exaggerating a little, but webmd should not be left to hypochondriacs.


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