I came home sick from work yesterday. I had a bad headache, plus congestion and a sore throat.
I watched five straight hours of The Bachelorette, which didn't really help, except that it finally answered the burning question, What if, after The College Years, Saved By the Bell's A.C. Slater moved to Canada, grew a soul patch, and became an entertainment wrestler? And also, why must there always be at least one contestant who recalls Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs? (Kasey, I am looking at you.)
Anyway. (Apologies to the men reading this, by the way. Yesterday it was online shopping and today it's The Bachelor and--spoiler alert!!!--pre-menstrual bloat. Next week it will be all Mythbusters and monster trucks, all the time.)
So, anyway, as I was segueing, anyway.
At some point I noticed a dull pain in my lower right abdomen. I had chalked it up to PMS or stress or intestinal Doozers (that is how digestion works, right?), but then Jeff had to be all, "It's not appendicitis, is it?" And then I Googled "appendicitis symptoms" and concluded that OMIGAH YES IT TOTALLY IS, AND I AM GOING TO DIIIIIEEEEE.
I was contemplating my imminent emergency surgery and whether I could still watch Hulu from a hospital bed when one of the symptoms caught my eye: "Abdominal swelling."
(Are you ready for my Jeff Foxworthy joke? Well, get ready.)
You know you're a woman if you're partially relieved at WebMD's appendicitis diagnosis because it explains your belly bloat.
It's like, Oh, thank God--I'm not fat, it's just one of my internal organs about to burst. Pass the Bugles.
Luckily, it turned out just to be gas, or maybe a bleeding ulcer or jungle parasite--WebMD has many theories, which he espouses eagerly and without much regard for my feelings. You know, I'm starting to wonder if his school was accredited.