Tuesday, June 8, 2010

How To Make An American Turd Yurt

A few years ago, high on tinsel and goodwill towards men, I attempted to build a gingerbread brownstone... with disastrous results.

So when I recently found myself in possession of a surplus of Tootsie Rolls, I saw my shot at redemption.

Yes, friends, I decided to build a structure that icons like Abraham Lincoln and Melissa Gilbert have at one time called home...

The Tootsie Roll Log Cabin!

Where Satan lives, obviously.

Super easy-to-follow instructions:

1. Take giant bowl of Tootsie Rolls, unwrap while watching premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey and drinking wine. 


2. Stack them haphazardly, like Pa Ingalls might have done, but with logs. Drink more wine.
3. Attempt to stick Twizzler roof on with honey. This is a bad idea. Drink more wine, fetch sewing kit you have never used for anything other than attempting to fasten Twizzler roof to Tootsie Roll log cabin--Mom did always say it would come in handy!
4. Pin Twizzlers to cabin. Present to Jeff. Beam when he declares, "Oh look! It's your turd yurt!"

I am Yertle the Turdle, queen of the pond.

5. Eat in unattractive fashion, as you are compelled to do with all failed arts & crafts projects. Dodge pins to avoid unwanted tongue piercing.


FIN.

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27 comments :

  1. Your talents are completely mind boggling.

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  2. Last year for Log Cabin Day (one of the best holidays IMO) my coworkers and I made a Tootsie Roll log cabin from old Halloween candy. A Sour Patch kid lived in it and he had Tootsie Pop trees in his yard =)

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  3. Lovely. Job well done. That looks like it must have been a lot of work though. You must be pooped.

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  4. Not to get all technical...but how the hell are those people supposed to fit inside? Or were they there to crush the place with their devilish good looks. Get it? Devilish? Ha? Eh, forget it.

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  5. You really keep that much candy lying around your place? Man, that stuff will rot your socks (as my dad used to say)!

    ;-)

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  6. At least you know there won't be anymore stray tootsie rolls on the bathroom floor.

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  7. You always eat the roof first!

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  8. i would have needed 2 bags of tootsies cuz they are just so dang good to nibble on! props :)

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  9. Oh Martha Stewart is so yesterday. This is truly functional art.

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  10. This is just the project my kids and I were looking for! Thanks Sassy. You should definitely send this to Martha Stewart. Or maybe you should just start your own creative dessert blog. Tell me, what should I make with my 3 year old Necco Wafers?

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  11. That is serious talent. Why don't you have a cable show yet? Satan and his wife look happy to have such a turdy house.

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  12. I'm impressed you manage to stave off eating it until you were actually finished. I may not have been so disciplined. I do, however, question the suitability of wine pair with tootsie rolls and licorice...was this good. Did you wash down the sugary goodness with the wine? If you did, I bow to you once more. Bravo.

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  13. Oh how I wish my posts were as inspired and amazing as yours :) That is too funny!

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  14. You have some amazing architectural skills, but really, you should have put it on the mantel and preserved it forever instead of eating it!

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  15. That is NOT a failed arts and crafts project! I'm impressed.

    I tried to make a pleated skirt out of a trash bag recently. It took all night, and didn't work AT ALL. Currently, I'm working on taking a clock apart and putting it back together so that it keeps time backwards. I've broken three clocks so far. But I really think I can do it.

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  16. I'm jealous of Satan. This is one of many reasons.

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  17. Have I ever told you you're my heeee-ro?

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  18. do you know how many excited trips to the bathroom you just destroyed by using up ALLLL those tootsie rolls for that??? now none can accidentally fall on the floor and catch your eye. =(

    i would wrap them back up if i were you....

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  19. I have extra Tootsie Rolls too! Now what should I build...not sure if I can top yours. You rock!

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  20. Where on earth did you come up with the idea for that?!! Bloody funny though. Love the shot of you trying to eat it!

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  21. I'm here to offer technical advice for your next Tootsie Roll/Twizzler/random candy building project.

    You need fire.

    Now I know we're entering dangerous territory here when introducing fire to the whole wine/Tootsie Roll/Twizzler/random candy mix but trust me, if you're careful it will be safer than trying to eat it while avoiding the pins.

    Take your lighter and light it, run the flame over the top of whatever random candy base you want the Twizzlers/random candy to stick to, then stick those Twizzlers on there fast.

    You may find yourself in a position where you need to melt a Twizzler itself. Do this cautiously, as Twizzlers can burst into flame if given too much direct fire. Hold the Twizzler in one hand, run the flame up and down the Twizzler with the other. Apply immediately to the surface once melting begins.

    I recommend caution when using a lighter in building impromptu candy monuments, but it works like a charm. Not that I'd know anything about that sort of thing... :-D

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  22. I just threw away a bunch of tootsie rolls! To think of the wonders I could have made.

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  23. this post warms my soul. hahaha. I appreciate the honesty with your technique. "Drink more wine" LOL. I feel that.

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  24. did i miss something...what's the provenance of satan and wife? inquiring minds want to know

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  25. Absolutely hilarious!

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  26. Hysterical! I included a link to this post over at Kate's Library as part of my Friday Five!

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  27. Love it. However, (since criticism is the sincerest form of flattery) (what, it isn't?), I'd like to point out that Yertle was a boy.

    Too anal? For a turd post?

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