Tuesday, May 25, 2010

What Not To Drink: A Cautionary Tale

Have you ever seen that show What Not To Wear on TLC? (I like it because Stacy and Clinton frown on denim jumpsuits and once even made Blossom Russo stop wearing Canadian baseball jerseys--and, OMG, please do yourselves a favor and Google "Canadian baseball teams." Fuck the Toronto Blue Jays, give me the Weyburn Beavers!)

Anyway, point being, I've decided I will make my first million with my book, What Not To Drink, inspired by my freshman year of college. (As I've mentioned previously on the blog, "Beer before liquor, never sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear" has never proven true for me. I go by my own mantras: “Add cheap vodka to Mountain Dew, you’ll be puking till you’re blue,” and “Milk is healthful and nutritious, but mixing it with booze is injudicious.”)

The Cloudy Martini (aka The Bombay Ass-fire)
  • Remains of bottle of Bombay Sapphire your roommate stole from a frat party after the dude she was hooking up with passed out listening to Jethro Tull
  • 1 cup milk
Strain ingredients into chilled martini glass. Garnish with cinnamon. Vomit as necessary.

The Little Voice
  • 2 parts Dubra vodka
  • 4 parts Mountain Dew
  • 1 part Cherry Kool-Aid
Mix ingredients in 20-oz. Mountian Dew bottle. Smuggle into British art-house film. Drink until you inexplicably start crying, then puke in the backseat of your friend's car.

The Pabst Yellow Ribbon
Get high. Decide beer mixed with lemonade would be the best idea ever. Prove self wrong.


  1. Anonymous11:54 PM

    There is a drink called "Strip and go Naked". My mom gave us the recipe in college. Take a punch bowl, fill with ice: add 10 shots vodka + one frozen lemonade concentrate + 8 cheap beers. Stir and enjoy. Actually not bad.

  2. The Little Voice is my favourite. Or at least the results. I look forward to the book. And in case you're interested I live about an hour away from Weyburn....

  3. it's a shame.. I really thought the vodka dew aid would be pretty good... :(

  4. LOL -- I loved the mantras!! You should put those on T-shirts and make millions!

  5. While I do believe this book of yours will be amazing, sometimes beer with lemonade is good. We occasionally drank it when I lived in Prague (usually mixed with Hoegaarden) or in Barcelona there is Damm Lemon which I only drank once. That and a lot of Sangria. What a night. When I was in Russia they drank a mixture of beer, pepsi, and vodka. No really. All of them together in one glass. Now that is a classy combination.

  6. Dear God, woman! Even teenage, drink-everything me would have disagreed with you on the lemonade and beer combo. I blame the joint.

  7. Anonymous4:32 AM

    You know that we're now all going to have to try these before we believe you!

  8. Your freshman year sounds a lot like my freshman year...

  9. Unfortunately, I think all the mixed drinks that are actually consumable have been made so there's no room for enterprising lushes to make there mark. I tried to branch out once with food, but beer ramen isn't very good. It could be the microwaved beer. It could be because I didn't add the beef packet. All I know is I'm not willing to even try to perfect it again.

  10. Dubra *shudders, crawls into corner shaking*

    I went through a 99 Blackberries and sprite phase myself. Barf.

  11. Well, you've just managed to make me laugh and to feel insanely nostalgic for my Army days in Korea. We used to mix the remains of every bottle of anything we could get our hands on with strawberry koolaid and/or grenadine, and some sugar if someone had any. We called it medicine, because if you had a cold or something and drank it, you'd wake up without your cold. You might have a riotous headache and a not know where you are, but the cold would be gone.

  12. Anonymous8:55 AM

    Every decision made when high is always the "best idea ever".

  13. Pabst Yellow Ribbon... I'm a big fan of shandys (good beer, with good lemonade), however PBR doesn't sound like it would do the trick :)

  14. Love this.

    Brought back memories of some of my own nights of bad decisions.

    Still can't shake the taste of vodka and Nehi grape soda.

  15. FYI i love love love your blog. this morning i was in a mood...this mood began with a UPS driver parked in my spot, mixed in with some monthly hormones.. it got ugly. anywho, point of this is i decided to brighten up my day i would read your blog, and it worked! i am now a little more chipper and ready to get down to some work i have sitting on my office desk!

  16. Beakess10:17 AM

    Ha! Reminds me of my third year in college. My roommates and I decided to throw a pre-Christmas party. One of my dear friends thought it was a good idea to make a green punch. With what you ask???

    Why, creme de methe of course! Nuff said.

    Since she is the one who encouraged me to read this blog, I'd like to take a moment to tell her I have not forgiven her for wasting my Tropicana Twister in an attempt to fix the nastiness of her green punch.

  17. Seriously anything with milk and alcohol is a bomb waiting to happen. A brown bomb. oh no!

  18. This post makes me think of the warning to never mix the grape with the grain; that is, never drink wine and beer in the same sitting.

    I've done it and have always regretted it.

    But the worst mix is beer and Korean soju. Trust me: just don't do it.

  19. you are a WHOLE lot braver than i ever was.... i still haven't smoked. and i'll stick to the wine for now... a few glasses and i'm good.... ;)

    boring, right?

  20. Your my kind of drinker!!!!!!!!!

  21. if you do make your millions, i'll have to take a small fee, as i was highly instrumental in your freshman-year boozing and the creator of the Little Voice. 10% should do.

  22. Anonymous12:31 PM

    I laughed out loud at this. So hilarious. Please do write this book. I'd buy it.

    Melanie@Unravelled Threads

  23. Your milk martini made me gag just thinking about it. (shudder)

  24. My fav "what not to drink"

    1 cup pure grenadine
    1/2 cup whatever booze is in your friends dads bar
    Mix in large slurpee cup so no one knows the difference.
    Add mentos for garnish
    Proceed to watch interview with a vampire...
    wonder if it's just tom cruise or the drink that is making you quesy...
    become acquainted with first "i'm never drinking again" experience
    yes... the underage experience lol

  25. Amber - we called it Summer Beer at Kansas State. It's delicious. I made it for a swine flu party last summer and most of my friends blacked out. Scary good.

  26. Further to your Pabst Yellow Ribbon, I recently went to a baby shower (yes, a shower for someone who is currently pregnant) where the drink du jour was punch mixed with beer.
    Quite refreshing actually...

  27. What not to Drink
    the 3 Wiseman
    in a tumbler pour
    1 part Scotch Whisky (e.g., Johnnie Walker Red or Black Label).
    1 part Tennessee Whiskey (e.g., Jack Daniels).
    1 part Kentucky Bourbon Whiskey (e.g., Jim Beam White or Black Label).
    Serve either neat or on the rocks, according to taste.

    You will immediately want to vomit.

  28. My college roommates and I thought we had proven our college genious when we decided that Ice Cream Beers (as opposed to ice-cream sodas) would be a brilliant idea and earn us numerous accolades. And then we tried it...

  29. I'm not really a big fan of beer in a punch (although, I had my fair share way back in college, lol). Rum is like my favorite, and vodka,too! (can't quite make up my mind) I like using vodka when making a really fruity punch, I think vodka sort of put together the flavor really well.
    And about a green punch? Well, I've done that last Halloween, everybody had a good laugh, I made a red one, too! With cut up faces made from apples floating around! ;)

  30. My all time fav was Popov Vodka pulled out from under the car seat on a hot So Cal. day, pull on the bottle and hope it stays down!!

  31. I actually found one everybody thinks sounds gross but is pretty damn good. Captain Morgan and Arizona Green Tea. If you splurge and get the glass Arizona bottles it is easier to mix.

    Just thought I would share my drunken scientific discovery.

    And the beer lemonade thing...... yeah that is just WRONG!!!

  32. beer + lemon-aid = radler in germany. i always thought it was kind of gross but a lot of people (including my non-drinker of a mom) like it.

  33. I think you were sooting too hig with the PBR. Take some lemonade, cheap vodka, and Natty light, and you've got what us Midwestern kids like to refer toas "Summer Brew." It's great! ...or maybe you just forget taste after one cup...

  34. literally laughed out loud. incredible. your sense of humor... amazes me. :)


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