Monday, May 17, 2010

Uncle Jesse Has No Mercy: The Poll Results Are In!

Hey, do you guys remember those inane polls I created a few weeks back that pitted beloved television characters against one another, because apparently I have nothing better to do with my time (or have possibly replaced the time-management sector of my brain with trying to remember which member of Milli Vanilli is still alive, and whether he was the cute one)?

Anyway, the results are in! I know, thrilling isn't it? Your Monday is now covered in spangles!

Here's what I learned from a super serious analysis of my data. (By the way, eat your heart out, Nate Silver. I RULE at statistics.)


Lovable, if kind of dickless, Friends dweeb Ross Geller narrowly bested How I Met Your Mother's Ted Mosby by a margin of one percent.

And in the ladies' competition, Freaks and Geeks' Lindsay Weir out-angsted My So-Called Life's Angela Chase by just under two percent. Actually, I'm pretty sure this battle was won through hair-pulling. No one can out-angst Angela Chase

Finally, Alex P. Keaton (53%) just managed to WASP the floor with Carlton Banks (47%). Oh yes, I did.


As I expected, Liz Lemon handily opened up a can of whoop-ass (or, perhaps, a bag of Sabor de Soledad) on Carrie Bradshaw, to the tune of a 70% victory.

Proving that outer space aliens rule and illegal aliens drool, Mork owned Balki Bartokomous with 72.2% of the vote.

My childhood crush, Cheers' Sam Malone (74.5%) beat Moonlighting's David Addison, probably because no one know who David Addison is and also because Sam Malone is smokin' hot.

As alluded to in the title of this post, Uncle Jesse from Full House kicked Gossip Girl dad Rufus Humphrey's ass, winning with 82.3%

But the biggest margin of victory belonged to none other than Zack Morris, who, with 87.5% of the vote, proved once and for all that Parker Lewis can lose.


Clarissa Darling (59.6%) over Blossom Russo.
Mona Robinson (55.7%) over Samantha Jones
Sue Sylvester (66.3%) over Amanda Woodward
Kevin Arnold (57%) over Sam Weir
Dylan McKay (63.4%) over Jordan Catalano
Julia Sugarbaker (60.2%) over Grace Adler
Meredith Grey (56.1%) over Ally McBeal
Kenneth Parcell (58.8%) over Anthony Bouvier
Carol Seaver (55.6%) over DJ Tanner
Wayne Arnold (61.2%) over Bud Bundy
Carmela Soprano (54.2%) over Nancy Botwin
Rudy Huxtable (68.7%) over Stephanie Tanner

A brief recap of what we've learned:

  • The Arnolds reign supreme
  • Carol Seaver will cutabitch (I like the graphic I made so much that I think I need to make tee-shirts)
  • Rudy Huxtable does not suffer meth head fools

Oh, and Rob was the cuter one. And yes, he's dead.


  1. Awesome! Very great it! Poll turned out to be very interesting. LMAO

  2. Oh yeah, that's right, another win for the Arnold family.

  3. Anonymous9:50 AM

    I would totally buy that t shirt.

  4. Damn it. I should have watched more TV as a kid.

  5. Here in Pakistan, before we got satellite Tv, we only had the 2 state run channels which showed 20 year old American sitcoms. I saw Perfect Strangers and none of my American friends knew what I was talking about. Balky and Larry ruled!

    I can't believe Balky lost to Mork!

  6. David Addison beats Malone ANY DAY

  7. Anonymous12:49 PM

    Fascinating. I have no say as I neglected to vote, but for the record I agree with Slinky Redfoot and although I do admire Carmella's devotion to the family, I much prefer the quirky Nancy Botwin. Also, I am drinking tea right now that tastes like a public restroom smells and I'm not at all happy about it.

  8. Why wasn't Winnie Cooper or, better yet, MADELINE ADAMS (Julie Condra) put into this Battle Royale?

    I demand a recount on the Ross Geller debacle.

  9. Darn right, Zack Morris beats Parker Lewis!

  10. oh my god "carol seaver will cut a bitch" written on a tshirt i could wear for all the world to see??? DO IT!!!!

  11. Anonymous2:37 PM

    I've been following you for awhile (that's not creepy) and have never commented but I have to tell you, the post where you had your bad thoughts from your childhood written in a notebook still makes me laugh. Every now and then someone drives me crazy and I secretly say "You bitch." and then I hear your words..."Whether to someone else or yourself". So true. Haha.

  12. I can't believe Ross Geller won! He's such a lady (in the worst possible ways). Oh well... As for the Seaver t-shirts- You must make those!

  13. Whatever. I will love Balki Bartokomous until the day I die.

  14. I'd take Carlton in a dance off any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

    I don't really know why twice on Sundays, but I just have a good feeling about my C-Bank Money.

  15. Curmudgeon of the week wannabe for life.11:20 PM

    Ahem, I think this post should have been titled 'ode to my baby sister' ;)
    Just kidddding... maybe 'Zoe vs. Snookie, who would win?'. I'm just being a dick, I loveeeee you.

  16. I'm astounded that Anthony Bouvier was dissed!!! For shame!

  17. lmao: your blog gets better and better. and i think i want that tee shirt. :)

  18. after the elections in the UK im glad my vote still counts for something!

  19. You should send your t-shirt to Threadless. You could be a millionaire

  20. I'd buy a Carol Seaver will cutabitch t-shirt in a heartbeat.
    I'm serious.
    I will!

  21. After having become quite a fan of your writing, and your topics, ... you've implanted the question in my head- "Where the Fk did Blossom Russo ever disappear to anyhow?!"

    Well, she made an appearance on my most favorite show ever last night- "The Big Bang Theory" as someone that Sheldon Cooper was set up with through an internet dating site.

    Blossom is Back bitchez, look out!



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