Anyway, the results are in! I know, thrilling isn't it? Your Monday is now covered in spangles!
Here's what I learned from a super serious analysis of my data. (By the way, eat your heart out, Nate Silver. I RULE at statistics.)
Lovable, if kind of dickless, Friends dweeb Ross Geller narrowly bested How I Met Your Mother's Ted Mosby by a margin of one percent.
And in the ladies' competition, Freaks and Geeks' Lindsay Weir out-angsted My So-Called Life's Angela Chase by just under two percent. Actually, I'm pretty sure this battle was won through hair-pulling. No one can out-angst Angela Chase
Finally, Alex P. Keaton (53%) just managed to WASP the floor with Carlton Banks (47%). Oh yes, I did.
As I expected, Liz Lemon handily opened up a can of whoop-ass (or, perhaps, a bag of Sabor de Soledad) on Carrie Bradshaw, to the tune of a 70% victory.
Proving that outer space aliens rule and illegal aliens drool, Mork owned Balki Bartokomous with 72.2% of the vote.
My childhood crush, Cheers' Sam Malone (74.5%) beat Moonlighting's David Addison, probably because no one know who David Addison is and also because Sam Malone is smokin' hot.
As alluded to in the title of this post, Uncle Jesse from Full House kicked Gossip Girl dad Rufus Humphrey's ass, winning with 82.3%
But the biggest margin of victory belonged to none other than Zack Morris, who, with 87.5% of the vote, proved once and for all that Parker Lewis can lose.
Clarissa Darling (59.6%) over Blossom Russo.
Mona Robinson (55.7%) over Samantha Jones
Sue Sylvester (66.3%) over Amanda Woodward
Kevin Arnold (57%) over Sam Weir
Dylan McKay (63.4%) over Jordan Catalano
Julia Sugarbaker (60.2%) over Grace Adler
Meredith Grey (56.1%) over Ally McBeal
Kenneth Parcell (58.8%) over Anthony Bouvier
Carol Seaver (55.6%) over DJ Tanner
Wayne Arnold (61.2%) over Bud Bundy
Carmela Soprano (54.2%) over Nancy Botwin
Rudy Huxtable (68.7%) over Stephanie Tanner
A brief recap of what we've learned:
- The Arnolds reign supreme
- Carol Seaver will cutabitch (I like the graphic I made so much that I think I need to make tee-shirts)
- Rudy Huxtable does not suffer meth head fools
Oh, and Rob was the cuter one. And yes, he's dead.