Friday, May 28, 2010

TGI...WTF? You'll Shoot Your Eye Out

Reader Jessica alerted me to a disturbing trend: no longer content to simply snort cans of Redi-Whip or lick poisonous toads, kids today are TAKING SHOTS OF VODKA THROUGH THEIR EYEBALLS.

Shudder. I can't even commit to contacts.

Once I was using Nair (which I have since stopped using because--and all the ladies can back me up here--it smells like burrito farts) and accidentally touched my eye with a depilatory-covered finger. It burned like the fires of Hades, friends. Now I wear lab goggles for all of my personal grooming.

But seriously, a slightly quicker buzz is no reason to melt your cornea. Administering a shot of Stoli to the ocular nerve takes a second; an eyepatch is forever.

[P.S. I told Jeff about this phenomenon, which lead to the following conversation:

JEFF: Well, didn't you do anything like that when you were a kid, anything stupid?
ME: I snorted a Pixy Stix once.
JEFF: And?
ME: That's why I can't ever get the blue wedge in Trivial Pursuit.
JEFF: Didn't you ever steal from your parents liquor cabinet, or drink a bunch of cough syrup?
ME: Cough syrup? Ew, why not just steal liquor?
JEFF: It makes you trip your balls off.
ME: Isn't that what acid is for? Why drink something that tastes like Dr. Pepper mixed with baby vomit?
JEFF: You. Trip. Your. Fucking. Balls. Off.]

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the emergency room to have someone suction the NyQuil from my eye socket...

Disclaimer: Just in case there are any impressionable youngsters reading this, I want to make clear that I do not in any way condone getting high on cough syrup, stealing booze, snorting Pixy Stix (imagine purple snot and an ice cream headache that lasts for an hour) or putting vodka directly into your eyes. For the love of all that is good and holy please do not try any of these things at home.
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27 comments :

  1. I recently read this story as well, and was absolutely shocked. You don't have to be a doctor to know that this is just plain stupid. Thanks for raising awareness of this so hopefully we can nip it in the bud before it becomes too big of a trend.

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  2. Oh good lord.

    My friends used to trip on the 'tussin. I thought they were absolutely fucking disgusting for drinking that vile concoction. My gag reflex would have ensured that a tremendous spray of red, sticky Robitussin would have been all over the person next to me before any balls were tripped.

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  3. Why, all we ever did was inject distilled capuchin monkey pineal gland extract directly into our tear ducts. But vodka? Now, that's just crazy talk!

    Kids today!

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  4. I heard about this just yesterday and thought...WTF! Seems like every generation comes up with new ways to be stupid. Sniffing model glue, spray paint, white out, auto-erotic asphyxia.

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  5. i live deep in the hills of Appalachia...something akin to darkest Africa. they prolly invented the retina-melting shot trick, so this doesn't phase me as much as the kids in Texas who think they're teen wolves or some shit. DAMN YOU TWILIGHT!

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  6. I the good old days -you know the 90s. When kids I knew were trying to get high on orange juice w/ fresh nutmeg ground into it and of course the famous you can get drunk from water - which cause a boy we knew to attempt to drink the whole sparklets water bottle in one sitting. Oh yearning for yesteryear.....

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  7. I got beer in my eye during a fight and I don't remember it taste in good.

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  8. I had tabasco hit some ice in the glass and splash back into my eye one time making a bloody mary, making me scream bloody murder. Nothing says good times like pepper spraying yourself.

    VODKA? the only thing that troubles me more is that I have sons 10 & 12 and in short time, they'll be in the age group of the next wave of dangerous fads.

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  9. Anonymous1:00 PM

    many thoughts come to mind after reading this entry..

    1. jeff seems awesome. you're quite lucky.
    2. i've done lines of crushed up smarties and of SwissMiss hot cocoa powder. they were both horrible experiences, but the smarties hurt much less.
    3. doesn't jenna on 30 rock sometimes resort to vodka tampon? can you do the research, because it sounds like a great idea..

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  10. In Sweden, we just soak a tampon in moonshine and pop it up our arse. Works a treat.

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  11. Waste. Of. Vodka.

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  12. Anonymous1:15 PM

    because i'm such an avid reader that this mug reminded me of your dad (?) and then i realized father's day is soon.

    http://www.fishseddy.com/browse.cfm/4,929.html

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  13. its all part of the evolutionary process.
    can you really tell me we're losing anyone special to any of these redic fads?
    Look up, drink up idiots - can you imagine that intervention episode???

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  14. Ewwwww... sounds gross. But does it actually harm the eyeball?

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  15. My eyes hurt just reading this story. I saw a kick snort a crushed up Easter SweetTart once- he was not a "winner"

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  16. Teenagers are idiots. Did you see that link I posted on my Twitter feed about teens in Texas forming wolf packs? (I KNOW you follow my Twitter feed...right?!) If you haven't seen it yet, maybe avoid it. It makes me weep for the future.

    Also, taking a bunch of cough medicine (because, yeah, you do trip balls) or stealing from a liquor cabinet in no way compares to administering controlled substances directly to the eye. That's something heroin junkies are supposed to do, not teenagers. And, on a similar point, that's not the way that alcohol is meant to be administered--unlike with ODing on cough medicine, which is being taken EXACTLY how it's intended, albeit in excess. Just sayin'!

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  17. Vodka in your eyes..how freakin' stupid. This my friends is why I don't want my kids to grow up...I don't want to have to argue with that. I had to explain today why we DON'T LOVE THE SMELL OF GAS for fear of something stupid in the future.

    Ask Jeff..what exactly is tripping your fucking balls off??Is it THAT much better than just getting wasted on some stolen alcohol?

    Maybe it's a guy thing!

    You're Fing hillarious BTW

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  18. Made me laugh so much I cried and then fell off the sofa


    I may have to try the swedish method though

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  19. No one's even curious about the vodka in the eye? Could be the 21rst century equivalent to tripping your balls off. If you have them. Just sayin.

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  20. Okay, wtf?! I'm tired of everybody assuming all teenagers are idiots and we're giggling packs of teenage girls who worry about what color to paint their toe nails. If you actually talked to teenagers you'd find out that some of us have actual intellectual point of views and don't just worry about Robert Pattinson and vodka shots.

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  21. The things kids do these days! :P

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  22. Hi guys!

    Yet again I fail at responding to comments. Sigh.

    Just a few things:

    @Anonymous: That is so awesome! Funnily enough for Christmas a year ago I got him very similar juice glasses from Fishs Eddy. Great minds...

    @Cryptic Heart: I know teenagers are not morons, and I really didn't mean to offend you. I was just making fun of the ridiculous Time story.

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  23. let me tell you about a little "shot" my idiot (read: 30 year old, college educated) friends do. it is called a "stunt man" and involves them SNORTING SALT, taking a tequila shot and SQUEEZING LIME INTO THEIR EYE. this is absolutely not a joke, sadly.

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  24. I loved this. =)

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  25. Anonymous10:06 PM

    Haha! @MeganAnn (and anyone else), you might find the following video amusing:

    You Call That A Shot? -Barats & Bereta
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBCEnVBaPOs

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  26. Oh mah Gah Pixy Stix! Those are so deliciously old school and yummy! Now I'm totally craving some.

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