Reader Jessica alerted me to a disturbing trend: no longer content to simply snort cans of Redi-Whip or lick poisonous toads, kids today are TAKING SHOTS OF VODKA THROUGH THEIR EYEBALLS.
Shudder. I can't even commit to contacts.
Once I was using Nair (which I have since stopped using because--and all the ladies can back me up here--it smells like burrito farts) and accidentally touched my eye with a depilatory-covered finger. It burned like the fires of Hades, friends. Now I wear lab goggles for all of my personal grooming.
But seriously, a slightly quicker buzz is no reason to melt your cornea. Administering a shot of Stoli to the ocular nerve takes a second; an eyepatch is forever.
[P.S. I told Jeff about this phenomenon, which lead to the following conversation:
JEFF: Well, didn't you do anything like that when you were a kid, anything stupid?
ME: I snorted a Pixy Stix once.
ME: That's why I can't ever get the blue wedge in Trivial Pursuit.
JEFF: Didn't you ever steal from your parents liquor cabinet, or drink a bunch of cough syrup?
ME: Cough syrup? Ew, why not just steal liquor?
JEFF: It makes you trip your balls off.
ME: Isn't that what acid is for? Why drink something that tastes like Dr. Pepper mixed with baby vomit?
JEFF: You. Trip. Your. Fucking. Balls. Off.]
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the emergency room to have someone suction the NyQuil from my eye socket...
Disclaimer: Just in case there are any impressionable youngsters reading this, I want to make clear that I do not in any way condone getting high on cough syrup, stealing booze, snorting Pixy Stix (imagine purple snot and an ice cream headache that lasts for an hour) or putting vodka directly into your eyes. For the love of all that is good and holy please do not try any of these things at home.