Monday, May 24, 2010

Scene From A Marriage: Gimme Some Sugar

SCENE: Friday night, after midnight. Jeff and I prepare for bed.

On my way to the bathroom, my sugar sonar picks up an errant Tootsie Roll on the floor near the pantry.

I must pick that up and eat it after I brush my teeth, I think to myself, as, somewhere, my dentist shudders.

I am so excited in the bathroom. What could be rote activities like washing my face, examining my face for new wrinkles, and flossing are elevated to new heights of enthusiasm knowing that I have a chewy little brown morsel awaiting me en route back to the boudoir.

Dramatic reenactment. Or reendrawment.

But when I go to claim my prize it has disappeared. I begin to experience symptoms of what my fifth grade self might have referred to as "a titty fit."

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY TOOTSIE ROLL?!?" I wail to Jeff, who is standing in the bedroom shirtless and displaying unmistakable bom-chicka-wah-wah eyes.

"Um, what?" he asks, backing away ever so slightly.

"I SAW A TOOTSIE ROLL ON MY WAY TO THE BATHROOM AND I WAS GOING TO GET IT ON MY WAY BAAAAAAACK!!! I MADE A MENTAL NOTE!!!!"

The bom-chicka-wah-wah fades, replaced by a look of abject terror last seen on the faces of passengers aboard commercial towing spaceship Nostromo when a shrimp-like alien burst through John Hurt's chest cavity.

"The Tootsie Roll on the floor?" he asks.

"Um, DUH." (I am well-versed in the art of foreplay.)

"I put it back in the bowl full of Tootsie Rolls in the pantry." He says "bowl full of Tootsie Rolls" like they are all the same. Jeff is a candy racist.

"BUT I WAS GOING TO PICK IT UP! I MADE A MENTAL NOTE!!!!" I am testifying to an invisible jury. They are nodding sympathetically.

"Why didn't you pick it up then?"

"BECAUSE I WAS SAVING IT!!!!"

"For what?"

"AS A REWARD!!!!"

"For... peeing?"

"FOR BRUSHING MY TEETH!!!!"

"That... makes no sense."

I then give Jeff my best "if-you-want-to-see-boobs-tonight-bring-me-my-midgie" eyes. And, because he is a good husband, he puts it back on the kitchen floor so that I can live out my fantasy.

Watching your wife pick up and then gnaw on a Tootise Roll she finds on the floor after a temper tantrum is not generally an aphrodisiac. But at this point, Jeff takes what he can get.


Bom-chicka-wah-wah.
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37 comments :

  1. LMBO!!!

    Peace, Love and Chocolate
    Tiffany

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  2. Too crazy - too funny!

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  3. My almost-husband particularly likes to eat beef jerkey at inopportune times, like before bed. Everyone knows that beef jerkey is only delicous to the person eating it, and smells like a bag full of farts to everyone else.

    This wasn't related to your post very much. Sorry.

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  4. I f-ing love you and your midgies.

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  5. I also find it somewhat satisfying to eat something before bed and after brushing my teeth. We are rebels.

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  6. haha! your posts always make me laugh :)

    www.romance-is-boring.blogspot.com

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  7. Hahahahaha, amazing. I can't wait to get married.

    Melanie@Unravelled Threads

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  8. Oh, no. This was just a joke, right? I am a dentist and am so disheartened. After you brushed and flossed, really? How could you? Sassy, I need your dentist's name so that I can report you, young lady.

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  9. God bless your husband.

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  10. Your Nostromo reference is full of win. Full of it!!!!

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  11. I have been married forever if you count all three marriages and I totally understand this scene. Bom-chicka-wah-wah. I am just cracking up. Thanks, you are good to read over morning coffee!

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  12. Truly laughing with you not at you- I was cleaning a pantry shelf one night (said as if I do it frequently) and found a stash of 3-4 Starburst mini packs. I'll admit, they were at his eye level, definitely not randomly placed by him. Mother of the Year that I am, since it was bedtime, after I scolded him for hording candy and being sneaky, I sent him off to bed. Then I ate them. : )

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  13. Awesome. Enough said.

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  14. OMG that is hilarious! I think I may have actually laughed so hard I cried a little when I read your husband's response to it being your "reward". That totally sounds like something that could happen in our house!

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  15. OMG that was high-lar-ious! Poor Jeff. He is there waiting all sexy-like and out you come yelling at him. Too Funny!!

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  16. That is hysterical! Thank you for sharing this, and the picture... priceless! I love reading your blog! Especially today. . . way to start a week!

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  17. So basically... you have the only husband in the world who notices something out of place, picks it up, and puts it where it goes... and then he gets in trouble for it? Ha ha you guys are silly :)

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  18. OMG this is the funniest thing I have read in like... forever. It was like reading something that came out of my head. Thanks for sharing this and letting me know that I am not the only person out there like this. I loved this post!

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  19. I'm so confused. I thought you would be happy for the Tootsie Roll to be back with his friends in the bowl, but you wanted him to wait, in terror, for you to pick him up off the floor and devour him?

    Also, why did you not grab the whole bowl out of the pantry and eat them all? Are you feeling ok?

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  20. But you did brush your teeth again, right?

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  21. Mannnnn I was really hoping the tootsie roll appeared to you unwrapped and that it would turn out to be a turd on the floor (left by your "dog"??) that Jeff cleaned up for you.

    Ah well. It's funny this way too.

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  22. I like to hide cookies and candy around the apartment and then forget about them, so when I find them again it's like a tiny birthday party just for me in the junk drawer/towel closet/tupperware I never use.

    I think the important thing here is that you got some Tootsie roll in the end. (That's what she said?)

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  23. I'm not sure I'd crave candy enough to eat it off the floor butrewarding yourself for brushing with it is deliciously perverse. I laughed my fat white ass off at this and some of the comments.

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  24. This is classic! Reading it brought on a fit of plague induced coughing.

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  25. Hey, everyone needs a tootsie roll to look forward to!

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  26. Way to funny, like laugh out loud funny and boy, that is just like how it goes at my house. Ha! Ha!

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  27. I have to remember not to read you while smoking a fatty! I almost tore my heart out in a laugh/coughing fit!
    You are the best!
    Boom Chicka Boom

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  28. after following your blog for months I think this is my favorite post yet! I totally sympathize!

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  29. LOL! Too funny, don't you love married life?

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  30. "As a reward!!!" Hilarious.

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  31. as i was reading this just now i started laughing hysterically so my husband started to read it over my shoulder. we both agreed that this is something that i so would do myself!

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  32. Hi guys! I'm so sorry I haven't been responding to comments lately--I've been crazy with work, and, obviously, ruining my teeth. Thank you so much for your concern for Jeff--he is shaken, but OK.

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  33. Sandra2:29 AM

    Omg, I need a Jeff!! This is exactly a potential scene of me in my life, hahaha!

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  34. Damn: this surfaced a memory and I now know why my marriage failed. If only I had left that mini Snickers where I found it instead of eating it...

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  35. Yep, that sounds like being married.

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  36. I laughed out loud when I read this. And then again while driving to work this morning. And then again in the bathroom. :) Thank you for bringing me joy today.

    ConsiderGrace

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