On my way to the bathroom, my sugar sonar picks up an errant Tootsie Roll on the floor near the pantry.
I must pick that up and eat it after I brush my teeth, I think to myself, as, somewhere, my dentist shudders.
I am so excited in the bathroom. What could be rote activities like washing my face, examining my face for new wrinkles, and flossing are elevated to new heights of enthusiasm knowing that I have a chewy little brown morsel awaiting me en route back to the boudoir.
Dramatic reenactment. Or reendrawment.
But when I go to claim my prize it has disappeared. I begin to experience symptoms of what my fifth grade self might have referred to as "a titty fit."
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY TOOTSIE ROLL?!?" I wail to Jeff, who is standing in the bedroom shirtless and displaying unmistakable bom-chicka-wah-wah eyes.
"Um, what?" he asks, backing away ever so slightly.
"I SAW A TOOTSIE ROLL ON MY WAY TO THE BATHROOM AND I WAS GOING TO GET IT ON MY WAY BAAAAAAACK!!! I MADE A MENTAL NOTE!!!!"
The bom-chicka-wah-wah fades, replaced by a look of abject terror last seen on the faces of passengers aboard commercial towing spaceship Nostromo when a shrimp-like alien burst through John Hurt's chest cavity.
"The Tootsie Roll on the floor?" he asks.
"Um, DUH." (I am well-versed in the art of foreplay.)
"I put it back in the bowl full of Tootsie Rolls in the pantry." He says "bowl full of Tootsie Rolls" like they are all the same. Jeff is a candy racist.
"BUT I WAS GOING TO PICK IT UP! I MADE A MENTAL NOTE!!!!" I am testifying to an invisible jury. They are nodding sympathetically.
"Why didn't you pick it up then?"
"BECAUSE I WAS SAVING IT!!!!"
"AS A REWARD!!!!"
"FOR BRUSHING MY TEETH!!!!"
"That... makes no sense."
I then give Jeff my best "if-you-want-to-see-boobs-tonight-bring-me-my-midgie" eyes. And, because he is a good husband, he puts it back on the kitchen floor so that I can live out my fantasy.
Watching your wife pick up and then gnaw on a Tootise Roll she finds on the floor after a temper tantrum is not generally an aphrodisiac. But at this point, Jeff takes what he can get.