Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Judging Judges: Kagan, Reinhold, Kinnear, and the Future of America

Fun fact: Elena Kagan, current nominee to the Supreme Court of the United States, is the sister of Mr. Kagan, who taught International Relations at my high school. Mr. Kagan has a first name, but calling teachers by their first names always seemed unnatural to me, like giving pets a surname (I know that a dog is technically—and emotionally—a part of your family, but my rule is that if it doesn’t wear pants it doesn’t get a last name. Like Cher, or Lady Gaga.)

Anyway, Elena Kagan also went to my high school* and is now poised to become the fourth woman ever to sit on the Supreme Court—and the third from New York.

*Who knows what her class mascot was—maybe Judge Rhino’ld? Yuk yuk yuk. Also, whatever happened to Judge Reinhold? Wikipedia’s latest entry for him is that he “is credited as the whistler on the Martini Ranch** song “Reach”. Ouch. I think it’s time for a comeback.

**Nevermind, I take that back. Martini Ranch was an 80s New Wave band featuring Bill Paxton, and it turns out Reach was directed by James Cameron. No comeback necessary, Judge; it is totally understandable that after that your career would go downhill.

Naturally, everyone wants to know if Kagan is a lesbian. Just like with Sotomayor, only worse because this one has—gasp!—short hair. Sigh. Pundits never wondered if John Roberts was a big old queen. (It’s probably because he looks like Greg Kinnear—no one who looks like someone who played the guy who invented the intermittent windshield wiper could ever be a friend of Dorothy. I’m pretty sure it’s in the constitution; ask Scalia.)

But seriously, we have bigger problems than the possibility that a (gasp!) gay could be elected to the nation’s highest court. For instance….

Exhibit A

….why does the official portrait of the SCOTUS always look like a pre-school class picture?

 Exhibit B (My preschool class photo. Peep my John Travolta look-alike teacher!)

I mean, right? Kennedy, Stevens, and Scalia can’t keep their mouths shut, Breyer looks like he wet his robes and is quietly hoping no one will notice, Ginsburg is distracted by something shiny, Thomas is clearly having a Time Out, and the girls are forced to wear bibs! Alito is clearly the teacher in this scenario, and Roberts is the goody two-shoes who manages to smile while looking at the camera at the same time—like the center kid in my photo except without the overalls and bowl cut.

Greg Kinnear should never get a bowl cut, by the way. People might think he’s a lesbian.

Share/Bookmark

19 comments :

  1. I know it was still a few years ago, but Judge Rienhold did play himself on Arrested Development. He was the judge of the trial court setup known as "Fakin' It", I think. Masterfully acted, as always.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The SCOTUS picture really does look like the preschool picture. That's so weird!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I would love to see Elena Kagan get the confirmation and then add a Lady Gaga-esque collar to her robe ensemble...just to piss off the old dudes. I'm thinking something asymmetrical and neon pink, with a net.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Organized Photography, wherein everyone reverts to their inner four-year-old.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lou_Briccant7:43 PM

    Elena Kagan? I though that was Patton Oswald in the picture.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Did you really go to Emanual MDItown? Or can John Travolta not spell since he's too busy doing moves from Greece? What's up with the kid in the pajamas? He's not even wearing shoes? I love preschool photos ...they make me laugh...oh and judges too...

    ReplyDelete
  7. I've been following you on HuffPo and your blog and really enjoy your posts. I should have known you were a Hunterite! (Me, too.)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I would just like to say that the all the other branches of our government (including the Ess to the Cizzy) are huge, albeit non-hilarious, jokes.

    Someday it'll all collapse in on it's self, but in the meantime I'm going to toss back a martini or two and watch the Judge Reinhold Episode of Clerks: The animated series.

    All stand for Judge Reinhold.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I just recently started following your blog and it's fantastic. This might even be one of my favourites. I love the breakdown of the judges at the end...nevermind Greg Kinnear, no one should ever get a bowl cut.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Love your description of the SCOTUS photo--it really does resemble the preschool photo.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Great comparison. I have to admit, I flirted with the idea of not reading this post, thinking you had gone all political on our asses (not that I'm opposed to discussing politics, I just prefer to limit those conversations to nights when I'm out at the bar with friends. I like to get them all liquored up, instigate a political debate, and then quietly sit back and watch the fur fly as my liberal and conservative buds fight it out. Where was I again? Oh, right...).

    I'm glad I sucked it up and read this one because you did not disappoint. And the superman jammies are classic.

    I like how they threw Thomas and Sotomayor on the end there, like, "Yeah, we'll let you into our club, if we have to, but don't think we're gonna be seen sitting next to a minority." (Hmmm... I feel like I may have crossed the line a little there. Whoops!)

    ReplyDelete
  12. This was an awesome post!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. This was freaking hilarious. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I have a hard time calling my kids' teachers by their first names and yet I don't feel like I should have to call them by their last names, either. I have a very elaborate process: Get their emails, address them by last name in email and sign it with my first name. If they respond with my first name, great, if they call me by my last name I say, please, call me Chicken (cause I don't wear pants, see?). Sometimes they bite sometimes they don't, then I have to try the in person version, but usually it is because they are calling me because 'someone' was screwing around in school and then it gets awkward to call them by their first name because they might think you are being condescending, right? Sigh. It's not easy balancing this whole teacher/parent relationship thing. I like the kid in the Superman pajamas.

    ReplyDelete
  15. My only comment is that since Sotomyer (sp?) replaced Souter - then Souter should not be in the photo. Love your blogs always otherwise!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I got so excited when I say Reinhold's name in the title. Whatever happened to that guy?

    Oh my god! I just IMDB'd him. He's gotten all puffy and old. My 80's crushes are not allowed to age! They should all preserve themselves in formaldehyde or tupperware and be young and rad for eternity.

    ReplyDelete
  17. omg old school john travolta is so hot

    ReplyDelete
  18. Wonderful work, Sassy! I love reading your blog. But I think more Ben Stiller than John Travolta, no?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Is it just me, or is one of the kids (front, far right) wearing Superman pajamas?

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...