Tuesday, May 18, 2010

How Ronald Reagan Got In My Pants

"What should I blog about?" I asked Jeff. "I'm uninspired."

He thought for a second and then said, "Underpants."

Well, okay, then.

Underpants. As a child, I often went without them. In fact, my parents tell me that when my grandmother--who was vocal about her disapproval of their urban hippie lifetsyle--used to visit, I would run into the living room totally nude and squat, pretending that I was about to poop on the floor. Now that is precious, based on the novel Push by Sapphire, which doesn't even have to be altered in any way in order to allude to bowel movements.

Eventually of course I wore clothes, which turned out to be even more embarrassing. My first memory involving underpants is this playdate I had when I was around six. Me and a few other girls were at the house of a classmate named Jimmy. At some point Jimmy's mother found a pair of underpants on the floor, and to find the culprit she lined us all up and made us lift our dresses to prove we weren't naked. Mine were decorated with snowmen. I was a good girl and had kept them on. (This memory has haunted me all these years, so imagine what it must be like for the girl who turned out to be bare-assed!)

I've had all kinds of underpants in my day; I am like the Wilt Chamberlain of undies. Ever color, every style, every unfortunate saying emblazoned across the butt--I've loved them all, until they were threadbare and billowy enough to steer a ship through treacherous waters. I even had a special pair made for my wedding. They did not say "Mrs. Zorabedian." Barf. They said "Mrs. Poo Pants." Well, at least, they were supposed to say "Mrs. Poo Pants;" actually they just said "Poo Pants," which is a different message entirely (I should have called and complained: "That's Mrs. Poo Pants to you!!") See, it all had to do with Ronald and Nancy Reagan, and--wait, this explanation isn't going well. I've circled back around to feces and exhumed The Gipper along the way.

I need to stop letting Jeff play word association with my soul.


  1. 16 Candles was an awesome movie. I think the undies that really freak me our are the grannie panties. I've never seen them except in movies, and I wonder why anyone would wear them?


  2. I'm impressed that Jeff called them "underpants" and not that other, nasty p-word men so love to call them.

    Your childhood adventures are oh-so hilarious and entertaining, although I imagine they were quite traumatizing for you.

  3. I had my own underpants issues when I was a kid! AND, I had a similar "Who's not wearing underwear?" experience at daycare when I was little. But instead of just being rouge underwear on the floor, they were wet underwear. And they were mine. Oh, the shame!


  4. Anonymous10:39 AM

    I could challenge you as the Wilt Chamberlain of undies... I am always in possession of at least 120 pair. You've inspired me to make a panty post. Thanks!

  5. OMG. When I was in kindergarten some 1st grade bitch lifted my dress up in front of the boys soccer team. Ah, childhood trauma.

  6. Gee, 120, due you wear them all at once? I think their great and find that more women are not wearing them now a days, to bad, I love to put them on my head.

  7. i think, in this day and age, that any mother (who is not your own) who has you lift up your dress to see who is NOT wearing underpants would likely be arrested or something.... don't you think? and she would say, "i was just trying to see who wasn't wearing their underwear." and yeah, i just couldn't see that going over very well these days....

    hopefully your poor grandparents weren't put through too much torture of you squatting as if to poo on her floor.... we've completely corrupted my grandmother who is from japan.... she used to be in love with a sailor, now she just curses like one....

  8. Wilt Chamberlain, lol.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate

  9. I went to a youth group slumber party with a big puffy Normal Rockwell sleeping bag, fresh out of the drier... in the middle of the party, a pair of my white granny-pants underwear showed up on the floor - I quickly realized that they must have been stuck to the sleeping bag with static cling, and (bright red, I'm sure) pretended not to know whose they were. But I could tell, everyone knew they were mine.

  10. HAHAHAHA.... Mrs. Poo Pants to you... Made me laugh out loud, and that just doesn't happen enough! Love your blog!

  11. Thanks for posting about underpants. Have to agree with Dr. Vinny- fun to wear on your head and sad that young ladies are stopping wearing them.I find this new trend of not wearing underpants totally gross and such a shame.
    I love a lacy pair of undies and seriously how is your husband supposed to know its time to get laid. I mean hanes clearly means move a long mister while a lacy thong clearly shouts prepare to be boarded!

  12. The word "underpants" always reminds me of a Boy Meets World episode...for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, here's what it is: Topanga is talking with Shawn on the couch where he fell asleep, Cory comes up because he thinks Topanga is cheating on him with Shawn, and when Cory pulls the blanket off Shawn to find that he's not wearing pants, he yells, "Underpants!". It's hilarious.

    That is quite a memory...hahaha. How traumatizing.

  13. 1) I have a test on Reagan tomorrow. barf.
    2) This was hilarious, and you just made my day. seriously.
    3) I, too, am an underwear fanatic.

  14. @April - I also hate and loathe the p-word. thank you for understanding

    @SC - I was the opposite; from the moment I first wore underwear it was the only article of clothing I ever wanted to wear. I was the underwearingest kid on the block, even though that usually meant that's all I had on

  15. This post only makes me think of the reverse thong buckwheat post from some months ago...still makes me laugh whenever you evoke that memory.

    Life is weird.


  16. Oh my goodness. The shame of having to lift your dress. I, too, would be haunted forever - I may still be.

  17. LOL @ "the Wilt Chamberlain of underpants". Oh, to see inside your head!


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