Sunday, May 16, 2010

Get Your Free-k On

Yesterday I saw this on a stoop near my house:

Normally I'm a big ol' whore for anything free--true story: Jeff once had to physically restrain me from accepting an offer of a rolling wicker bar cart from a family friend that looked like something Blanche Devereaux might have designed for HSN while intoxicated. (If you are thinking, Wait, that sounds awesome!, you are totally right and I still regret not going back for it. Where else am I going to keep my monogrammed whiskey decanter?)

Anyway, I have very low standards when it comes to picking things up off the street (especially if it's something edible), but this gave me pause.

My first reaction was, of course, FREE THING IN A BAG!!!!!!! I WANT!!!!!!

Then my common sense kicked in: Wait, why does it have to be in a bag? Is it something that wouldn't stand up on its own or might run away, like pudding or gerbils?

And if it can stand up on its own, why is it in a bag? It looks like a four-pack of toilet paper.


Then again, it could also be a bedbug-riddled throw pillow. Or anthrax.

OR IT COULD BE CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If it was cake, then why would it be wrapped up like a ludicrous trap Wile E. Coyote set for the Road Runner?

MEEP MEEP! LET'S OPEN IT!!!!!!! [Ed note: Yes, I realize at this point I am third-personing myself in the voice of the Road Runner. My freak (free-k?) flag is not just flying, it is billowing.]

In the end I let it sit there. I mean, I'm all for mystery prizes, but when your best-case scenario is a four-pack of toilet paper and your worst-case scenario is anthrax, I think it's best to take the advice of Dionne Warwick and walk on by.


  1. Anonymous11:58 AM

    Ah! No! You just let it sit there?! Go back now, go and find out what is in it. I can't believe you'd leave it like that. On the upside at least you're learning to restrain yourself, congrats.

  2. you should have totally taken it and opened it... with gloves.... just to see what was inside.... maybe it was food for homeless??? and they put it in a bag so that the ants wouldn't get to it before a human did??

  3. Anonymous12:18 PM

    I mean, my guess is old Chinese food. Or poop. I hope it wasn't kittens.

  4. Sass, that was the funniest thing I have read today...what's so freaky about over-analyzing a bag of free stuff you can't quite make out the contents of??? The world is your oyster...grab and go! Besides who can't use free TP...or you could give it to a homeless guy in the park. I doubt it's anthrax (the poison not the band).

  5. Anonymous12:53 PM

    it looks electronic. i'm intrigued.

  6. I'm not sure I can stand it .... gooooo backkkk ... take a peek LOL

  7. Well, this post really brings out the real person in all of us... Are optimists or pessimists?

    Does the bag contain a holy grail of toilet paper, or does it contain used toiled paper...

    Like the wise men said, "life is not a question to be answered. Life is a mystery waiting to be lived."

    GO live your life. Go find whats in your free trash bag!

  8. Ugh, you guys are totally right, I should have opened it. Best case scenario I would have gotten extra toilet paper or a better blog entry; worst-case scenario I would be on the front cover of the Post: GIRL DIES HOPING TO FIND FREE CAKE IN SUSPICIOUS PLASTIC BAG ON BROOKLYN STOOP.

    Anyway, it's gone now. I guess we'll never know.

  9. All that buildup and we ALL missed the freebie?!?

    While I'm sure our imaginations could conjure up some incredible goodies, how many times have we said yes to free (& totally useless) crap??

    Another freebie queen,
    Heather =)

    P.S. if it were cake, would you really eat it? Just say no.

  10. maybe the bag wasn't real... but a metaphor for the mysteries of your mind

  11. Nooo! I can't believe you didn't open it and let us know what was inside.... the angst....

  12. Maybe they just don't want to pay for trash removal, so they package their garbage in a way that makes unsuspecting strangers think it's free goodies.

    Pudding, gerbils or anthrax, I think you made the right choice leaving it behind.

  13. Anonymous6:20 PM

    It looks like a bin of some kind....but what was in the bin? Hm...

  14. hahaha But now I really wonder what was inside!

  15. This is clearly a bag of fresh homemade tamales. You missed out big time on this one. Bummer.

  16. LOL, I would have a hard time not opening up something free as well.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate

  17. How were you even able to sleep that night? I mean, unless you're a lame high school student who has to pick soggy bits out of your tree or you live with your parents, free toilet paper doesn't come along every day... We should all be so lucky!

    Just another good reason to carry rubber gloves in your purse.

  18. It does look like a bin...or a crappy old desktop computer...hmm...too bad it's gone now! Did you check the headlines for anthrax kills today so you could feel validated in ignoring it?

  19. I just want to go on record as saying it was really cruel to blog this if you never found out what was in it. Dreams of bags filled with pudding or anthrax (anthrax flavored pudding!!) will take over my night. Thanks. Jerk.

  20. Yeah, I still want to know what it was :(


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