Friday, May 21, 2010

Curmudgeon of the Week: Sister Zoe

Some of you die-hard readers may remember that I used to do a little something called Curmudgeon of the Week.

The last time I did a COTW was May 19, 2009, so really I should call it Curmudgeon of the Year, or maybe just Curmudgeon!, like Fela! with less afrobeat (but more cowbell).

Everyone, including me, has forgotten about Curmudgeon of the Week… except my sister, Zoe. Zoe has made it known on multiple occasions that she is jonesing for the title, and lord knows she deserves it. When she was a toddler, Zoe used to introduce herself to houseguests with a charming vocabulary lesson.

“Here are all the curse words I know,” she would squeak. “Shit, bitch, ass…” This was right around the time that I took to roller skating around the apartment listening to Madonna’s “Hanky Panky" on my Walk-Man. In 1989, our house = good times.

Anyway, here's my adorable, even sassier sibling sounding off on Amtrak woes, her soft spot for Muppets, and why Winnie the Pooh is actually kind of a dick.


1. Tell me, Zoe, did I make you this way?

You wish you could take credit for this extraordinary attitude!

I’m pretty sure it’s hereditary. You were a freakishly wonderful big sister, but I’m sure following your straightedge teenage years and your perfect SAT score contributed somewhat to my neurosis, so thanks for that.

2. Describe your current state of mind in one word. Discombobulated.

3. Where do you think rainbows come from? Uh, science.

4. What do you hate that other people inexplicably love? Oh gosh, so many things, its hard to remember them all on the spot. Where to begin? Wait, things that douche bags inexplicably love? Or things that otherwise awesome people inexplicably love? I will cover both.

Parades

Guinea pigs... I shudder even thinking about them

Crocs

Gin

Techno music

Segways. (Tool on wheels.)

Games that involve coordination and pressure (flip cup, steal the bacon, RELAY RACES.)

Wearing flip-flops

That horrible pirate ship ride

Sponge bob square pants

Twitter

Carpeting vs. hardwood floors

Yellow cars

Elliptical trainers

Every dress or skirt that I pull off a rack secretly being a skort or romper. Why do people want this? Whhhhyyyy?

5. What, in order from least to most excruciating, are your nine circles of hell?

1- Having to watch Mama Mia again (the 2008 film, to clarify)

2-Talking to Julie, Amtrak’s automated agent. Bitch can't understand a goddamn thing. God forbid a car goes by when you're trying to make a reservation. I hate her.

3- Dodgeball.

4-The emergency room waiting area, especially in Philadelphia where it doubles as a regular doctors office for crack addicted homeless people. Sad and mildly dangerous.

5- Moving. To a new home…not just motion in general. (Ties with putting together Ikea furniture.)

6- My friends are secretly fattening me up with African protein bars a`la Mean Girls.

7- Being hand-cuffed to Spencer Pratt (for like a day, not eternity. Eternity would be the unexplored 15th circle of hell)

8-Waiting for my track number to come up on that giant board at Penn station. Forever. Or Penn station on a Friday night when it’s full of drunken 16 year olds from New Jersey. Or Penn station on a weekday morning. Anything involving being stuck in Penn station.

9-Being trapped in the Saint Patrick’s Day parade forever- or like in Groundhog Day, Saint Patrick’s Day is every day. Girls wearing slutty green outfits, people cheering and getting in your fucking way, tall people elbowing me in the head, streets being closed off, people puking on the subway, green beer, retarded sparkly green hats, 4 leaf clover pasties.

6. Let's lighten up. What makes you all warm and fuzzy inside? (i.e. watching reruns of Law and Order late at night like Mom)

Hmm- I like holding babies... is that a creepy thing to have popped into my head right away? Days when you are allowed to lay around being cozy (i.e. watching TV all day. What is wrong with us?) you know, like rainy days or hung-over mornings with greasy diner food and the OC. Swinging is the best ever (In the playground). Block Island. Muppets… I will sob during The Muppet Christmas Carol, you have witnessed this. Spendin' time with youuuu of course.

* I also secretly watch reruns of Law and Order SVU late at night like mom. Shhh.

7. If you could blight one thing from the earth forever, what would it be? Um, I should say war or poverty or racism/homophobia/sexism...but I'm gonna go with models and/or airbrushing. Someone should invent runway robots instead. Get on that, world.

8. Curmudgeon (living or dead, historical or contemporary) you most identify with? Grandma. Actually, both of our grandma's were very successful curmudgeons, and proof that you can be both glamorous and curmudgeonly. Oh and perhaps Alexander on his Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

9. What's your favorite curse word/phrase? I think I say “Jesus fucking Christ” in most of my sentences. I am terrible. When I am very angry at inanimate objects (about 12 times a day) I will address them as " You cock-sucking piece of shit!". I can’t help it; it's in our blood. I also enjoy saying "holy mackerel”, which I’ve picked up from our New England relatives.

10. Eeyore: depressed or full of rage? In the Winnie the pooh books it seems like Eeyore is one step away from climbing up a fucking tree and shooting down everyone in the whole hundred acre woods:


Poor Eeyore, his friends are such dicks. Pooh took piglet in when his GIANT TREE HOUSE was destroyed in the blustery day. ALSO Eeyore's birthday is on Christmas. Obviously I'm very concerned with this issue. I hope Eeyore starts a forest fire.

Want to be Curmudgeon of the Week? Email me!
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18 comments :

  1. Oh joyous day! The return of Curmudgeon of the Week! And Zoe! Woo hoo! Happy Friday to me!

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  2. I think being hilarious runs in your family, too.

    Melanie@Unravelled Threads

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  3. And is that Judy Douche narrating the Pooh story? Best day ever!

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  4. +1,000 for being awesome and -1,000,000,000 for smoking! =p

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  5. http://www.slate.com/id/2219880
    Slate's been on the women loving L&O bit for a while, saw a post about it in the last couple of days, just too lazy to look. That's sad, sorry. I used to think I was alone in my L&O insanity. Honestly, alone with a new baby and TNT reruns years back, I sometimes worried that my child would hear the L&O chiming thing and have flashbacks of infant neglect. (No infants were actually harmed in the watching of the show)

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  6. Judith Viorst and a hatred of Crocs all mentioned in a single blog?

    Best day ever.

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  7. Your sister owns because she is aware of and actually mentioned Alexander and his terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. It also makes me super delighted that she mentioned the Muppet Christmas Carol, which my husband and I watch faithfully every year. (Clearly, you have seen it too, otherwise you wouldn't have seen her bawl about it.)

    Needless to say, your sister is as cool as you are. Clearly, you come from a family of awesome. :)

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  8. Do not let Spencer Pratt anywhere near Eeyore, because he'll end up looking like Barbie's 1987 horse, Silky Mane. Only THEN he will gun down the forest. And I'm sorry, but Spencer already invented the Runway Robot. Too late.

    Love your sister.

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  9. Uh, Zoe, I have some potentially disturbing news - did you know that in the Andes mountain regions, guinea pigs are FOOD? Yes. It is true.

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  10. AHAHAHA!! Your sister is just as cool as you are! Loved this interview and I agree with a lot of the things she said!

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  11. I would like to toss my chinese rice picking hat I bought in Chinatown,D.C. into the arena for curmudgeon of the week please.
    My references are herein contained: http://thecultofchuchatumadre.blogspot.com/



    thank you for your time;
    your fan
    The Rev.Roberto C.Rosas

    ReplyDelete
  12. I would like to toss my chinese rice picking hat I bought in Chinatown,D.C. into the arena for curmudgeon of the week please.
    My references are herein contained: http://thecultofchuchatumadre.blogspot.com/



    thank you for your time;
    your fan
    The Rev.Roberto C.Rosas

    ReplyDelete
  13. Great idea. Does Zoe also have a blog, btw? I would like to nominate Becca at Neurotic Girl for Curmudgeon of the week.

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  14. I love that you specified a love for the PLAYGROUND kind of swinging.

    Whenever there's a really good (as in graphic and horrible) news story, I always wonder if it will show up in an L&O in a couple of months. *sad moment of mourning*

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  15. I think she is my soulmate. Except she'd have to sit on the sidelines while I go on the Pirate Ship ride because it is the BEST.RIDE.EVER!

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  16. I hate guinea pigs so much it hurts, mostly because I'm so disgustingly allergic to them that their occasional unwanted presences inhibit my ability to breathe. Also, they're just squeaky and generally unpleasant in nature.
    And rompers are the worst. The most bothersome thing about them is that a lot of the time you can't tell that they're rompers when you pick them off the rack, so you think you're innocently attempting to try on a dress, and then you end up sticking both legs through one hole and are unable to move and feeling resentful. Then, after you finally fix yourself, you decide to try the romper on for real with appropriately spaced legs even though it's not what you wanted in the first place, and it still looks fucking ridiculous.

    http://pissedoffbecause.blogspot.com

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  17. You and your sister are hilarious. With the exception of wearing flip flops, her hate list is perfect.

    You know, even the voices on the Winnie the Pooh recording screwed Eeyore over. You have Judi Dench narrating and Stephen Fry as Pooh then they just threw in some slag as the grey donkey!

    Here in Austin they've seemed to have gone astray celebrating Eeyore's Birthday. A bunch of naked hippies gather in a local park and play bongos and introduce children to wacky weed.

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  18. I disagree about Eeyore. Eeyore is totally the emo kid who cuts himself (I just wanna feel the pain on the OUTSIDE. sob sob. my dad got me a silver bmw) for attention and is totally stuck in the victim mentality. Dude, stop building your house with a tarp and 3 sticks. Everyone else figured things out by using sturdy trees w/roots that can withstand the elements, you can too! I really can't stand the poor picked on me thing. It makes me twitchy.

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