The last time I did a COTW was May 19, 2009, so really I should call it Curmudgeon of the Year, or maybe just Curmudgeon!, like Fela! with less afrobeat (but more cowbell).
Everyone, including me, has forgotten about Curmudgeon of the Week… except my sister, Zoe. Zoe has made it known on multiple occasions that she is jonesing for the title, and lord knows she deserves it. When she was a toddler, Zoe used to introduce herself to houseguests with a charming vocabulary lesson.
“Here are all the curse words I know,” she would squeak. “Shit, bitch, ass…” This was right around the time that I took to roller skating around the apartment listening to Madonna’s “Hanky Panky" on my Walk-Man. In 1989, our house = good times.
Anyway, here's my adorable, even sassier sibling sounding off on Amtrak woes, her soft spot for Muppets, and why Winnie the Pooh is actually kind of a dick.
1. Tell me, Zoe, did I make you this way?
You wish you could take credit for this extraordinary attitude!
I’m pretty sure it’s hereditary. You were a freakishly wonderful big sister, but I’m sure following your straightedge teenage years and your perfect SAT score contributed somewhat to my neurosis, so thanks for that.
2. Describe your current state of mind in one word. Discombobulated.
3. Where do you think rainbows come from? Uh, science.
4. What do you hate that other people inexplicably love? Oh gosh, so many things, its hard to remember them all on the spot. Where to begin? Wait, things that douche bags inexplicably love? Or things that otherwise awesome people inexplicably love? I will cover both.
Guinea pigs... I shudder even thinking about them
Segways. (Tool on wheels.)
Games that involve coordination and pressure (flip cup, steal the bacon, RELAY RACES.)
That horrible pirate ship ride
Sponge bob square pants
Carpeting vs. hardwood floors
Every dress or skirt that I pull off a rack secretly being a skort or romper. Why do people want this? Whhhhyyyy?
5. What, in order from least to most excruciating, are your nine circles of hell?
1- Having to watch Mama Mia again (the 2008 film, to clarify)
2-Talking to Julie, Amtrak’s automated agent. Bitch can't understand a goddamn thing. God forbid a car goes by when you're trying to make a reservation. I hate her.
4-The emergency room waiting area, especially in Philadelphia where it doubles as a regular doctors office for crack addicted homeless people. Sad and mildly dangerous.
5- Moving. To a new home…not just motion in general. (Ties with putting together Ikea furniture.)
6- My friends are secretly fattening me up with African protein bars a`la Mean Girls.
7- Being hand-cuffed to Spencer Pratt (for like a day, not eternity. Eternity would be the unexplored 15th circle of hell)
8-Waiting for my track number to come up on that giant board at Penn station. Forever. Or Penn station on a Friday night when it’s full of drunken 16 year olds from New Jersey. Or Penn station on a weekday morning. Anything involving being stuck in Penn station.
9-Being trapped in the Saint Patrick’s Day parade forever- or like in Groundhog Day, Saint Patrick’s Day is every day. Girls wearing slutty green outfits, people cheering and getting in your fucking way, tall people elbowing me in the head, streets being closed off, people puking on the subway, green beer, retarded sparkly green hats, 4 leaf clover pasties.
6. Let's lighten up. What makes you all warm and fuzzy inside? (i.e. watching reruns of Law and Order late at night like Mom)
Hmm- I like holding babies... is that a creepy thing to have popped into my head right away? Days when you are allowed to lay around being cozy (i.e. watching TV all day. What is wrong with us?) you know, like rainy days or hung-over mornings with greasy diner food and the OC. Swinging is the best ever (In the playground). Block Island. Muppets… I will sob during The Muppet Christmas Carol, you have witnessed this. Spendin' time with youuuu of course.
* I also secretly watch reruns of Law and Order SVU late at night like mom. Shhh.
7. If you could blight one thing from the earth forever, what would it be? Um, I should say war or poverty or racism/homophobia/sexism...but I'm gonna go with models and/or airbrushing. Someone should invent runway robots instead. Get on that, world.
8. Curmudgeon (living or dead, historical or contemporary) you most identify with? Grandma. Actually, both of our grandma's were very successful curmudgeons, and proof that you can be both glamorous and curmudgeonly. Oh and perhaps Alexander on his Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
9. What's your favorite curse word/phrase? I think I say “Jesus fucking Christ” in most of my sentences. I am terrible. When I am very angry at inanimate objects (about 12 times a day) I will address them as " You cock-sucking piece of shit!". I can’t help it; it's in our blood. I also enjoy saying "holy mackerel”, which I’ve picked up from our New England relatives.
10. Eeyore: depressed or full of rage? In the Winnie the pooh books it seems like Eeyore is one step away from climbing up a fucking tree and shooting down everyone in the whole hundred acre woods:
Poor Eeyore, his friends are such dicks. Pooh took piglet in when his GIANT TREE HOUSE was destroyed in the blustery day. ALSO Eeyore's birthday is on Christmas. Obviously I'm very concerned with this issue. I hope Eeyore starts a forest fire.
Want to be Curmudgeon of the Week? Email me!