Monday, May 3, 2010

Blossom Versus Clarissa (And Other Pointless, Imaginary TV Character Battles Taking Up Valuable Space in My Brain)

I could not tell you why, but on Friday I became obsessed with the idea of a cage match between Blossom Russo and Clarissa Darling.

(You have to read from the bottom up, because it is Twitter and therefore hella advanced.)

I cannot remember a single thing about calculus--which I studied for four months during my freshman year of college--and would be hard pressed to correctly state my grandmother’s birthday, yet my brain is able not only to name two television characters from long gone 90s sitcoms, but also finds the space to store their respective physical and mental strengths in order to handicap the outcome of an imaginary fight. It’s incredible that I haven’t yet wiped out my basic motor skills in order to memorize more Bel Biv Devoe lyrics, or stopped my heartbeat by stocking my brain stem with potential band names based on my 6th grade stationery preferences (Lisa Frank and the Trapperkeepers, anyone?)

Anyway, for reasons that, as previously stated, are beyond my control (or my therapist’s area of expertise) I present to you a May Madness matchup of beloved television characters.

Watching an actual TV show takes so much less time than making a crappy-looking collage of TV characters' faces, it turns out. The More You Know.

Weigh in on the first ten battles here. (The ghetto online survey software will only give me 10 questions at a time!)

The next ten are here.

I have no idea what I will do with this information, other than use it to edge out stored data like the basic times tables and the ability to control my bladder. But I WILL post the results. So you, um, have that to look forward to. In the meantime I'm going to stock up on Depends while I try to figure out why, exactly, I should never trust a big butt and a smile.
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27 comments :

  1. done and done. Would love to see a throw down between Urkle and Screech (you know, SBTB times, not "I'm-a-fat-douch-with-anger-issues-because-I-played-a-nerd-on-TV-during-my-precious-teen-years-and-now-people-won't-stop-calling-me-Screech" times). Looking forward to the results.

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  2. [cue me becoming manically obsessed with this post, and then also rambling on like you care...]

    Oh, Kevin vs Sam was the toughest! I didn't want to choose, but I ended up going with F&G I think because I also sort of want to be a psychology prodigy and deal with all the crazy sexual tension on Bones, too, so he edged out Kevin..and it also doesn't help that The Wonder Years is basically NEVER going to come out on DVD because of music licensing and I can work that into MANY CONVERSATIONS, because I feel everyone should know that it is a travesty. Also, Julia Sugarbaker would kick almosst anyone on this lists' ass, because she is The Terminator, mmkay?

    [and then I take the second quiz]

    Carol would narc first! DJ always tried to mom-it-up with Stephanie and talk to her FIRST, and then later realize that she should have told someone because now there are CONSEQUENCES and such.

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  3. oo some of those had me overcome with emotion & a healthy (cutthroat) spirit of competition! I would like to go ahead & put Kevin Arnold in my winning bracket (I don't know what this is called in the real March Madness but he WILL win).

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  4. Thank you for the post.

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  5. Elizabeth Sheryl:Um, I TOTALLY care. Your comment made my night basically. I laughed out loud, which, surprisingly, I rarely do while reading.

    ahealthiermaria: I have a soft spot for Kevin too! And I think once I determine the winners of the first bracket I'll have to do my best to match them fairly for the second, but as this goes on the match-ups will get weirder and weirder. Am I making any sense? Wait, why am I awake at 1 am writing this? No wonder my brain doesn't work.

    @Californian: Well, you're welcome.

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  6. Calcu-what? Numbers don't even have a cool theme song.

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  7. TEAM CLARISSA!!! This sitcom's been following me lately. Unconnected people keep bringing it up out of the blue. I think it might be time for an old-school marathon.

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  8. based on your musical interests, or well, references, you would have so much fun with me on friday nights!

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  9. rudy vs stephanie was the WORST!! i couldnt decide..and jordan TOTALLY beats dylan...no contest. grunge angst always wins. plus its a little unfair, jordan doesn't even know how to read!!! this quiz is all words!

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  10. OMG! lol trapper keepers! i remember them so well! my 4-6th grade art teacher's daughter was best friends with Lisa Frank... we were all rightly in awe.

    thank you again for making my morning bright!

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  11. psychsarah10:29 AM

    I am awash with memory and giggle fits here. For some unexplainable reason, I can't wait for these results!!

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  12. LOVE the post. Hello? Remember Red Ross??? He totally wins. I can't believe I actually took both surveys or that you had the time and energy to create both surveys!

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  13. Parker Lewis always loses.

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  14. I feel like each question should have it's very own space for comments!

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  15. Some of those matches are just so close! Clarissa would kill Blossom though (remember those high kicks she did during the opening credits?) and Joey Katsopolis would be too concerned about his hair to fight back.
    Obviously you're not the only one whose brain has a separate cavity devoted solely to anything kitschy from the 90's.

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  16. You're so funny! I think Ross would be fun to watch, and then again, Blossom would be interesting too. You make me laugh on a very sad day for me... thanks!

    http://mysocalledfeudallife.blogspot.com/

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  17. Loved this, thank you! Stephanie v Rudy was difficult for me, I couldn't get real-life Meth-Head Steph out of my mind while envisioning the battle.

    For balance, I would have thrown Ferguson Darling versus Ben Seaver in to the mix for weenie-little-brother battling.

    To feed my inner perv which you for some reason are lacking...Kelly Bundy jello wrestling with her knock-off, Nikki Cox from Unhappily Ever After.

    Before I clicked on the survey though, My mind raced toward Parker Lewis and Zack Morris, and of course he can't loose!

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  18. Oh man Clarissa Explains It All and Lisa Frank, does it get any better? I submit that it does not.

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  19. Thank you for helping me properly spend work time today. I love a good quiz! And I love that I just caught myself REALLY, REALLY thinking about Zach versus Parker.

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  20. Stephanie and Rudy..omg
    This was funny!!

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  21. Ok too excited about this you have combined 2 of my all time loves sitcoms and march madness brackets. Also have to mention I went to UCLA in the 90s so went to college with Urkle, Blossom and Winnie Cooper and if you don't think we thought it was hysterical to heckle them by loudly yelling out their character names you are so wrong (:
    Frankly I don't know what their problem is if I ever become so famous for a character that people were still calling me it years later I'd consider that success.

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  22. nice articles i have read all ur articles
    thanks

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  23. Done. And FYI Zack never loses.

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  24. Well at least you're brain farting over tv shows ,and not reality tv .
    LOL !

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  25. Hahaha that true never trust a big butt and a smile.

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  26. Yes it's about time Arnold Threw down with Webster You know they want to You're hillarious, Never stop blogging

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  27. I cannot wait to see the results. Thanks for sharing!

    http://ramblerouse.blogspot.com/

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