Saturday, May 8, 2010

Acadumbia

Do you ever find old papers you wrote in college and wonder how, between ice luge shots and participation in something called "the bong Olympics,"* you somehow also managed to be a genius?

I found some old academic papers last night that my present-day brain--which has been slowly braised with wine and reality television for the past eight years--simply could not compute.

I was a film major, which meant that I watched movies and then deconstructed them until they were no fun. Check it:

"In using cinema to explore the aesthetic dichotomy of high art versus entertainment, Minnelli succeeds in contrasting three levels of reality and performance that he stylistically explores, juxtaposing musical spaces in life, musical spaces on stage, and musical spaces inside the camera."

Whaaaaaaat? I drop so many fifty cent words, that sentence is worth more than my checking account. And I was talking about The Bandwagon, an MGM musical in which Fred Astaire dresses up like an infant. And to top it all off, this shit is 31 PAGES, Y'ALL.

Seriously, a steady diet of microwave nachos and watery keg beer must be what astrophysicists eat to keep themselves sharp.

*This actually happened in Jeff's senior year house. No one knows who won, because, well... the athletes were distracted.
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24 comments :

  1. Well, since I don't know half the words used I can say if you any good or not. What happened? Did age do it? Your blog in very readable and fun.

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  2. Blimey, your major is impressive stuff..... I know what you mean about the wine and reality TV. Once upon a time I got my PhD, but now my longest word is 'marmalade'.

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  3. Hilarious. I still have some of my old papers as well. English major. I found things in novels that had to have been produced by altered states. I was a medalist in the olympics you mentioned.

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  4. Ahhh... bong Olympics. Nice.

    I think there must be something that a microwave does to food that that makes you super-smart after eating it. Case in point, while I was writing my thesis, I was living off of microwave popcorn (and beer). I was just notified that I'm receiving an award for being super-smart.

    Somebody should do a study on this. But not me. My brain is done thinking... for life!

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  5. The same thing happens when I read through my old papers! I kept everything as if I would need every paper ever written, from high school onward for a portfolio in the future. Granted it has not been but only five years, the times are a changing already for me as well. I think we submerge ourselves in nothing but reading, writing, and drinking. Procrastination brings out fluffy writing as well filled with big words. I love the quote though!

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  6. I can totally relate to that, my brain has turned to marshmallow. I can understand what you wrote, but for me to actually produce anything like that, now, HA!

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  7. Haha. I love college stuff that uses all the theoretical framework...but now I wonder why anyone bothered to analyze that particular question. As Dr. Vinny said, your writing now is very readable and fun.

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  8. As a college student who just finished finals for the year, I'll also add the the amount of stress and lack of sleep also can amplify the amount of buzzwords and profound intellect displayed in such papers.

    And, inexplicably, this comment kind of proved my point. I need a nap....

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  9. I'm doing my degree at the moment. Are you saying this is it? This is the smartest I'm going to get?

    Oh dear...

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  10. And I love how when you're doing those papers, you believe that someone somewhere cares and is interested in your theories...until you reach the real world and realize no one (including your professor who assigned the paper) is that interested!

    I do have to say, 31 pages is impressive... :D

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  11. haha, that is a loaded clip. i'd be curious to read the rest of it.

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  12. well you must of know what you were talking about then.although i had no clue what that all meant.we all learn things youd never guess wed learn when were being our dumbest.when we use our brains we never learn as well or so it seems.anyway hope it was nice to see the blast from the past paper

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  13. haha!! so true! cheap wine must give you knowledge!

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  14. I used to keep my papers as a reminder that at one time my brain did function. But now, instead of reading what I wrote, I drink in the professors' comments - comments like "superior work", "fine grasp of the concepts", "perfection", etc. It helps me to keep going after washing the kitchen floor for the third time in a week, or helping one of my elementary aged children with their homework, or picking up all the random socks and toys and stuff that has been strewn around the house and no one seems to notice the great achievement of my efforts...

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  15. It's like a time warp or something.

    I mean, all the critical analysis of texts I don't remember reading because I was crying about a boy on a hill smoking a bowl, or whatever it happened to be that particular semester.

    A genius with alzheiimer's.

    Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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  16. I've had the same experience. English literary theory. Probably couldn't make sense of it now to save my life.

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  17. all my papers are on zip discs, somewhere in the house. i.e. LOST FOR EVER AND EVER.

    i worked really hard on some of those, damn it. i took some film studies classes, too.

    some of those papers were in spanish.

    i have no idea what i said in those papers. if i found them now, i'd take this what was i talking about? phenomenon to a whole new level.

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  18. My best academic years were in elementary school. But, I do believe bongs lifted my intellectual capacity.

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  19. you were at the bong olympics? for some strange reason i didn't remember that... but i'm pretty sure tex won.

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  20. yes.

    I consumed many illicit and some barely licit substances and wrote about dichotomies an awful lot.

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  21. My roommates and I thought up something called a Beer Wheel. There were rules, punishments and everything. It was dismantled after one use because it was too much for us to handle.

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  22. I am completely in love with that 50 cent word sentence joke. Seriously.

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  23. I, however, have papers that I TURNED IN in college that still have highlighting and gems like this amongst the paragraphs: "[insert well-phrased transition here]"

    I'm still not completely sure how I got a degree. Oh wait, yes I do, it was for Theatre.

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  24. That is exactly how I feel about my college papers.

    Two sentences from a paper on the Anthropology of Homosexuality: "Women and gay men, as previously discussed, have the larger anterior commissure—this structure allows for greater bilateral organization within the brain, due to more connective fibers between the lobes. Since brain structures develop prenatally, we may also be able to attribute these sexually dimorphic differences to hormones, as well."

    Yeesh.

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