Saturday, April 17, 2010

Triscuits and Nipples... and Other Bed Pan Stories

Jeff and I always joke that the least sexy food you could bring into bed is crackers. Triscuits and nipples simply should not meet.

Everything bagels are dangerous, too: You try to have a nice breakfast in bed and the next thing you know you're wondering how a sesame seed ended up down there.

I once tried to burn off the head off a tick I believed to be wedged in my shin... turned out it was a poppy seed. True story.

Brownies present the same crumb problem, but they have the added bonus of bringing new meaning to the words "bed pan." "Honey, can you fetch me my bed pan... of Betty Crocker Chocolate Chunk?" 

Whoever thought to bring hot soup to a sick bed is an asshole. You are already sick; you don't need a scalding chicken broth shot to the crotch as you attempt to lift your spoon with arms so weak and soft people might suspect your husband is raising you for veal.

Can you tell I'm writing this in bed right now? What you don't know is that I'm gnawing on a leg of lamb*. Ah, Saturday.

*Not really. It's actually a whole suckling pig.
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27 comments :

  1. Love the poppy seed tick....gave me a good giggle

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  2. Excellent point about the soup! Food in bed should only be served on a tray large enough to catch all crumbs!

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  3. Good to know others eat in bed too. I always eat in bed. It's one of my favorite bad habits. It wasn't until recently that I realized how yucky it is when I found ants in my bed. True story. (I still eat in bed though. Bad habits die hard and all.)

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  4. I think this post applies to college dorm life too - in a little bit of a different way though...

    My friend who was a freshman in college the year before, warned me against buying light colored sheets because thats where a lot of snacks or quick soup lunches will be eaten on. I bought my sheets and comforter all in the name of that (and I'm thankful now that I am here). No white sheets for muah

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  5. Can l also issue a warning for anyone tempted by the 'sexy chocolate body paint' offered by certain lingerie brands. Not only is it about as chocolate as a piece of cardboard left out in the rain, it could also act as: superglue, flea killer, liquid camouflage, or waterproof covering for walking boots. Sexy? No.

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  6. We eat in bed too!!!

    Last night for dinner (because we eat worse than two children left home alone) we ate potato skins with ranch dressing. Mess potential: HUGE!

    Makes me feel so much better to know that other people do this!

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  7. I agree. Whoever came up with the idea of soup in bed is an asshole. You spend the rest of your mental energy thinking how to eat it without spilling it everywhere. Nice entry. Made me laugh wholesomely. I hope you feel better soon?

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  8. Too funny. Tick, huh?

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  9. You actually tried to burn a poppy seed....off your leg....that you thought was a....tick? I love it. I really truly love it.

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  10. I have a special towel near my bed for eating in bed! Just place it over my bosom and have at it. It's really useful for when I tear pomegranates apart with my bare hands. Saturday!

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  11. I giggled aloud when I read about your poppy seed tick...and then it made me giggle about the Seinfield episode where Elain tested positive for opium from eating a poppy seed bagel...clearly bagels are evil and to be avoided

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  12. Popcorn!

    That's what wads the shorts of my trophy bride. Especially if she awakens in the middle of the night to find stray kernels in her...well, nether places.

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  13. Hmm.... we actually don't eat food in bed... but that may be b/c we dont have a tv either. but none the less... GREAT post!

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  14. Hilarious! It is a happy accident that my comic is about the bed today too!
    Cole's Kibble,http://cdbaby.com/cd/mollysonnyboy2
    Our harem on the bed include 2 dogs a cat and my husband. 5 Alive!

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  15. Suckling pig always makes me laugh!

    My capcha word is "untra" is that your middle name??? :)

    http://apackalipsnow.blogspot.com

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  16. I once woke up with a pop tart stuck to the side of my face. I hear ya sister.

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  17. I had the same crumb problem eating a nature valley granola bar in bed this morning. It is all fun and games until you're laying in the crumbs and they hurt. I love this post!

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  18. Anonymous9:28 PM

    i understand the whole soup-scalding thing, today i was drinking an unwanted cup of tea in bed, when i slopped it down my front and on my sheets. i advise not to drink and lie down.

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  19. ahhh yes... food and bed... i think the closest thing to food and my bed has been cough syrup... which i subsequently coughed out (imma klutz)and now have a lovely rose stain on my sheets... crotch level. never shall this sheet hang outside to dry.

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  20. I like to play hide the triscuit in bed

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  21. Nothing like a leg of lamb to get to sleep with!

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  22. My friend threw some brownie crumbs at me when we were playing pool in a bar. No provocation at all...

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  23. My darling husband brought me breakfast in bed for Mother's Day once. But it was scrambled eggs and coffee, when I wanted pancakes. (I was sick ALL nine months for ALL three kids).

    When I didn't get the food I "needed," I tried to make it out of bed in time, but my legs were all twisted in the covers and the tray with scalding coffee was sitting on my lap, which I meant that I didn't make it.

    So I spent a looooong time on Mother's Day cleaning the vomit from in between every book from the bookcase in our room (the unfortunate entity in my projectile path). Somehow the parenting books seemed to be the most strategically placed.

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  24. My husband BEGS me to serve breakfast in bed. There are two problems with this: first, I don't do breakfast, and second, he is always up earlier than me. He married the wrong woman if this is what counts for love in his book.

    A word to the wise: do not burn ticks. Pull them out with tweezers as close to the head as you can get them. This from someone who has had professional instruction in the fine art of delousing.

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  25. Mmm lamb.

    Watch out for those poppy seeds, they'll kill you ;)

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  26. My dog woke up the other morning with a cinnamon disc stuck in her fur from where I had fallen asleep with it in my mouth. OOPS! Sorry Minnie! She wasn't too happy with me pulling it out.

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