Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Things I Can Say in Spanish, or Roseghetto Stone

An imagined scenario in which I get to use all of my memorized phrases (Spanish speakers, I used Google translate, so this may sound retarded. I mean, like, more retarded than it's supposed to):

Scene: A clothing shop.
Me: Drunk, probably.

Clerk: Would you like to buy a suit?
Me: No me gustan ternos, mi estilo es moderno. (I don’t like suits, my style is modern. —thanks, Rico Suave)

Clerk: Oh, somebody told me you like suits.
Me: Yo no se quien ha mentido. 
(I do not know who lied. —also from Rico Suave)

Clerk: What about a suit of many colors, like Joseph from the Bible?
Me: De colores. (Colors. —De Colores, Folk song/Joan Baez/Raffi song my second grade class performed at assembly)

Clerk: Um, yes, that’s what I said. Colors.
Me: De colores es el arco iris que vemos lucir.  (Colors is the rainbow we see shining. —De Colores)

Clerk: Are you maybe having a stroke?
Me: No mi siento bien. (I don’t feel good. —The only sentence I retained from Mr. Cangiarella’s Spanish class in fifth grade)

Clerk: Do I need to call an ambulance?
Me: Oh!, oh!, oh!, esta es la linda tierra que busco yo. (Oh!, oh!, oh!, this is the lovely land that I seek. —from the Puerto Rican national anthem, which I learned in elementary school)

And that, friends, is how I may end up in a Dominican mental institution. Happy birthday to me!

(UPDATE: Today is not my birthday, it's April 13. I just meant that I might spend my b'day in a mental institution. But thank you for the well-wishes!)


  1. Is today the actual day? Happy Birthday to you! No more time to not do things before your birthday...

  2. May you continue to bring us 80's-lovin', Spanish-butcherin', red coat-wearin', eye brow-tweezin' retardation for many years to come.

    Happy Birthday.

  3. Anonymous1:51 PM

    Haha, very good. I don't speak any spanish so you would have fooled me. Having been to the Dominican Republic, I think it will probably take more than that to get you institutionalised, they're a pretty crazy bunch.

  4. Hmmm... I can recall...

    "Silencio, por favor" (quite, please)
    "Sientete" (sit down)
    "Ferme la bouche" (close your mouth.)

    On second thought, that last one might be French...

  5. Happy Birthday indeed, Sassy. Hope its a good one!

    Also, your list of things you won't do before thirty should become a lot easier, as it has now become a list of things you DIDN'T do.

  6. Glucklich Geburgstag zu dir. (Happy Birthday - learned in four years of high school German.)

  7. You have the same birthday as my boyfriend (you=younger)and my cat Fat Jerry (younger in human years, but killing it in cat years)! It seems I enjoy all things 4/13 related. captcha is "gatoss", funny since I referenced Fat Jerry and gato is, appropriately, Spanish for cat. Maybe gatoss is Spanish for a hoss like Fat Jerry ;)

  8. Ah, yes - I do remember De Colores most among those phrases.

    Convo noted & committed to memory, should I ever want to be committed.

    Happy early birthday! I hope you enjoy it among all the pretty, drooling people that'll surround you. Let's hope your jacket isn't too tight. ;)

  9. Feliz Cumpleanos! Maybe you could woo Jeff with this little diddy tonight...

    And in case you miss your stories this afternoon and want to keep with the Spanish theme, here's something you'll probably be able to follow:

  10. Hahahaha! I was about to write "Feliz Navidad" but then realized that's "Merry Christmas" and not "Happy Birthday." Something from your post tells me, though, that you probably would've understood anyway. Ummm..Feliz (Birth)dia!

  11. Hahahaha! Hope not - stay sane ... at least try hard to fake it! You don't need anti-psychotic drugs in your birthday treat bags, do you?

  12. My dad is obsessed with learning Spanish. He's a truck driver, and he thinks that if he learns Spanish then the Spanish-speaking guys loading his truck will like him more, which seems to have been the case. Unfortunately, he has learned everything he knows from CD's while he drives, so he has no idea how to read or write it, which has been pretty amusing.

    Oh, and he knows how to sing the Barney song ("I Love You...You Love Me") in Spanish, which is pretty awesome. I will teach you now, in case you run into someone you want to hug or kiss whilst sunning yourself in the D.R.:

    Te amo
    Me amas
    Somos una gran familia
    Con un beso y un abrazo para ti
    Dime que me quieres tu a mi.

    (Please forgive me, Spanish-speakers, if this is not entirely correct. It's how I remember it from like 15 years ago.)

  13. I may now attempt to cajole folks into buying clothes by following up all descriptions with " you know, from the bible?" Bruhzilliant.

  14. Anonymous3:11 PM

    I bought some boots in Spain once.

    Pretty sure that the exchange was an awful lot like this one.

  15. Ironically, the only phrase I remember from first year Spanish is "estoy muy baraccha (buraccha?)," which means "I'm very drunk." I also know "Donde este Dora?" which will come in handy if Dora is every muy baraccha.

  16. At least the one thing you learned in class is useful, all I remember from 6 years of spanish is "Donde esta la biblioteca" - where is the library? Yeah, like I'm gonna need that!

  17. So does this mean you will be in the DR this weekend and not in NYC?

    I will be in NYC this weekend for my man's 30th, and I was going to comb the streets calling "Sassy, Sassy". Guess it was not to be.
    : (

    Happy Early Birthday!

  18. Here's a few helpful lines I remember from my 3 years of H.S. Spanish:

    Donde estan los banos? (Where are the bathrooms?)

    Dos mas cervezas, por favor! (2 more beers, please!)

    Even if that's all you can remember, your 2 basic needs are met:)

  19. I one day hope to find a use for the Italian phrases I learned from the Set of 70's encyclopedias we had when I was growing up.

    very nicely done. I'd take you suit shopping any time, for the sheer amusement of it.

    Oh and happy birthday, whenever it is. :)

  20. Okay okay okay, let me try!
    I can say "I love you" in Spanish. "You are as cute as a spot of snot" in Finnish and "Shut up, you dumb sh*theads" in German.
    I would also probably be drunk(what a shock, right?), and detained at some jail in any random country, having forgotten where I was, and shouting all these things to my jailers (probably in a slurred sexy-ish drunk girl voice) in attempts to talk myself free.
    Anyway, happy early birthday!

  21. Me gusta tu blog. Mucho!

    Pero no me gusta que no hay una palabra en espanol para "blog."

    Capiche? (no wait, that's Italianish)

  22. I lived in southern California for two years and felt like an alien. I only learned a few words but was embarrassed to try them. I always hoped that I would learn by osmosis. Like I would just wake up one day and would speak fluent Spanish. Didn't happen. I did get real good at sign language. Be careful out there.

  23. I only know one phrase in Spanish well, and I think it's incorrect. But here goes:

    Quieres hacer amor a mi?


    Do you want to make love to me?

    That's all I've retained from my Spanish speaking years, and it's really all I want to know. After all, it's a phrase that can be used in any situation.

  24. Hi-Larious!!! Yes, we all learned some slammin' Spanish from (roll the R) Rico Suave!

  25. I fucking love Google Translate. The End.

  26.'ve got a leg up on *me*. The only Spanish I know is from "Dora the Explorer"...

  27. This is, of course, assuming that despite the fact you will be answering in Spanish, the clerk will continue to speak to you in English. But you know, well done. :)

  28. Whenever they ask you :
    ¿Habla español?
    Solo en ocasiones especiales como ésta.
    Only on special occasions like this.

    Be welcome to visit my blog and read a haiku.

  29. Ha! Well, at least you got something from Mr. C's Spanish class. All that I've retained is that nosotros = we.

  30. LOL! Hilarious. The one phrase that always comes to mind for me is:

    mas despacio por favor

    Which, I believe means 'slower please' or 'not so fast'. It's also the perfect response to any spanish phrase (even if you don't need them to slow down, it's funny to watch and hear them try). :)

  31. Feliz Compleanos Sassy!!! I think they sang that De Colores song at my Grandpa's funeral???

  32. All I remember is that every illustrated dialogue example in my Spanish textbook concluded with the phrase "Que lastima!"

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  34. My husband once order "fish tea" in Italy because the words for fish and peach are very close. Fortunately for him, the vendor didn't have any sardine chai at the ready!

  35. Hahaha that was hilarious!
    I don't speak Spanish so have no idea if what you said was right but the dialogue was very witty :D


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