Do you tend to call butts "heinies"?
Would you rather see a flower or a blue ribbon or a smiley face instead of the dark and muddy opening to what is unquestionably Satan's cave?
Do you remember when we used to sing... Fa la la la la la la la la la la te da...
Well, friends, you're in luck thanks to the Rear Gear shop on Etsy. It's supposed to be funny (its motto is "No More Mr. Brown-Eye") but it's also a real thing that costs $5. From the site:
"Rear Gear comes in many designs including a disco ball, air freshener, heart, flower, biohazard, smiley face, number one ribbon, cupcake, sheriff's badge, dice, and you can even make yours custom..."You can see I've highlighted "sheriff's badge," as this is my favorite. Hell, I kind of want one for myself. "I'm sorry, sir, you're not authorized 'round these parts. Move along."
The only question, really, is what the most awesome custom design would be. I think I'd go for an eye... or maybe a starfish.
Where on earth do you find this stuff? I think I would have to get one in the shape of David Hasselhoff's face. I'm also assuming (see hoping) that those things hang from the critter's tail.
ReplyDeleteThat's crazy...but inventive.
ReplyDeleteWhy couldn't I have thought of this for my "get rich quick" scheme?!
ReplyDeleteLooks like pets don't seem to mind the staples, do they?
ReplyDeleteDoes the state of Arizona have its own flag? I'm just asking..
ReplyDeleteIdeas for other Rear Gear: a tear drop, flames, a pair of lips, a wagging tongue (for those people who describe unattractive people as being less attractive than shaving the dog's butt and making him/her walk backwards), one of those nose-maker thingies that uncurls and squeaks when wind passes through it, a tiny caution sign. I can do this all day long.
ReplyDeleteBut how about just going practical and making a poop bag that straps on their behinds and catches whatever is released when they squat? Like an external colostomy bag or a butt condom. You could have them in designer colors and patterns. My little dog would look great in a paisley butt condom.
I expect royalties from all of these ideas, by the way....
@KGB: I saw it on gloss.com. Also, are you really KGB? Am I considered a threat to the Eastern Bloc?
ReplyDelete@ForeverRhonda: Some people just don't like looking at dog butts. Weirdos.
@Heather: I know, I am totally kicking myself, too. I INVENTED "Look in Butt," remember??
@Mrs. L: They hang from the tails!
@Elle: That flag is AMAZING: a star with rays of light emanating from it! Well-played.
Yesterday they sort of advertised this on NBC's fourth hour of the Today show with crazy Kathy Lee Gifford and poor Hoda.
ReplyDeleteOne of the crew used one with his "low style pants" so his butt crack wouldn't show.
Yeah...
I'm so relieved to see that they hang from the tails. The alternative would have been...unfortunate. At least, the alternative I was imagining.
ReplyDeleteThis custom design challenge would have been great for a giveaway! I'm thinking bullseye.
ReplyDelete(Sassy) "I saw it on gloss.com. Also, are you really KGB? Am I considered a threat to the Eastern Bloc?"
ReplyDeleteNo, you have not made the list yet. We are still looking for moose and squirrel. Actually KGB happens to be my initials. Cool right? It takes some of the humilation away from living in small town USA in Iowa. (No I don't live on a farm, and I have never milked a cow :P)
I struggling with how they work in conjunction with pooping. When the dog poops, does the Rear Gear come off with the exiting poop? Or does it get smeared with poop that then swings back and forth on your dog's butt and fur?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I would make one as a bull's eye for all my gays.
Have you done any stand up comedy. I have read a couple of your posts, and think they are brilliant. Your sense of humor and mine certainly meld. Keep it up.
ReplyDeleteI saw this a few months ago, and all I can think is, what the hell happens once the dog uses that awfully unsightly orifice for the purpose for which God put it there in the first place? It's bad enough to have to pick up poo, but now you're going to clean it off a little plastic butt-cover as well?
ReplyDeleteMaybe a nose to kind of throw the butt-sniffers off a bit. And I think they should be scented too. Are they scented? They totally should be scratch-n-sniff.
ReplyDeleteOh god. I can't wait to show my mom. She might pee her pants.
ReplyDeleteMelanie @Unravelled Threads
Don't forget to enter my custom elastic waistband skirt giveaway!
The Colorado flag would also work well - its a giant red "C" with a yellow dot in the center...although we would be like dogs and cock our heads to the side a bit thinking "oh, thats kinda funn....wait, what DOES that mean?"
ReplyDeleteMY DOG HAS THREE BROWN EYES! HELP!
ReplyDeleteDoesn't that fall within the confines of animal cruelty? I'd hate to think what happens if the dog needs to poop...
ReplyDeletehttp://mysocalledfeudallife.blogspot.com/
I dont even know what to say...At first, I honestly thought it was a butt plug....I got concerned. Then I saw that it loops onto the tail. Then I was just bothered.
ReplyDeleteHmmm at first, I was hoping they would have a target... but then I thought about that and changed my mind... ahh what the hey? I'll check for targets.
ReplyDeleteHaha. It looks like something my mom would get for our dog. She was always trying to find ways to get her(the dog) to smell better. She couldn't ever just accept that dogs smell no matter what. It's like doggy code.
ReplyDeleteTotally hilarious. But are you supposed to keep a close eye out for the squat? You know, so you can like lift it to avoid it getting smeared with poop? I'm confused, lol.
ReplyDelete@April - scented? Do you really want to scratch and sniff that after your dog has worn it?? LOL
Who comes up with this stuff?
Whenever George the Superpet is facing away from us, we always say to the person behind him, "George is giving you the stink eye."
ReplyDeleteSo maybe an eyeball patch?
Oh gaaaaaawd. So hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI want one in the shape of Glenn Beck. And I him not facing the world but forced to look upon the poop-chute. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteFunny you mention this, because this past weekend I was visiting with a friend and her dumb cat started backing up towards me, anus-first like, and I was totally looking at the nasty hole head-on and was totally grossed out.
ReplyDeleteI recently blogged about this, too. It's aaawwweessoomme.
ReplyDeleteAfter some very thoughtul consideration (and several glasses of wine) I've decided that I'd like one designed to look like a dog's butt-hole, er I mean Mr. Brown-Eye. I mean come on. Right!?
Random thought- how much fun would an actual poop shaped butt-cover be? Maybe the New Years Baby? Paris Hilton? Waldo? Carmen San Diego? Curious George or those old school Jug of Monkeys?
ReplyDelete...just sayin.
LMAO A starfish for a chocolate starfish....I LOVE IT! xD The things people WON'T come up with, I swear...must be a pretty damn short list! LOL
ReplyDeleteBahahaha, sheriff's badge!
ReplyDeleteAnd here I thought holiday sweaters and costumes for pets was borderline abuse....this takes the "cupcake!"
ReplyDeleteIf you think that's crazy, what would you say about prosthetic dog testicles?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.neuticles.com/
For owners who have nothing better to do with their money.
G'day! So I read your blog often and I decided to drop a note to let you know I started my own and I think you would enjoy it, seeing as we possess the same sense of humor. Thanks:)
ReplyDeletewww.blankcanvasfilled.blogspot.com
I wonder if you could work out some kind of sponsoring deal with McDonald's or Nike and get their logos placed over your pets butt for profit. My cats have mooched off of me for too long--they're like little stoners, all they do is eat, sleep, and stare off into space--it's about time they started bringing in some money via their anuses.
ReplyDeletePersonally i think something high-fashion would be acceptable. You know crystals, feathers, etc. Or perhaps one of those LCD designs that have scrolling messages:
ReplyDelete"Quit looking at my butt", or something similar...
I saw this a few weeks ago on a local page and was not surprised in the least. I am going to tell it you straight. #1 people in Oregon are dog obsessed. I am not going into the dog poisonings in Larelhurst park in 2003 but seriously it was like the Zodiac Killer was back with the news coverage. #2 People here are weird - I could not believe all the weirdos and subcultures I have unearthed during my 10 years here.
ReplyDeleteI think I''d go for the biohazard, not for myself of course, for our dog
ReplyDeleteI was impressed by your blog is very impressive
ReplyDeleteHaha that's hilarious. It's one 'niche market' I never thought I'd see filled.
ReplyDeletehaahahaah this is funny and clever!
ReplyDeletelike your bog, just found it.
www.louboutinkindoflove.com
A universal feeling you've just blogged about. Really. However, much as I hate looking in Satan's cave (or rather, accidentally having my eyes land upon it and averting eye contact immediately), the idea of covering it up with something more standardized for aesthetics rings like plastic surgery. Except much less dramatic, since it's obviously removable.
ReplyDeleteI'm following you. Officially.