Thursday, April 22, 2010

Going Viral

My computer has a virus. The virus is that anti-virus scans keep popping up. My computer could teach Alanis Morissette a thing or two about the real definition of irony.

Anyway, I spent two hours last night trying to fix it, to no avail. At one point I actually punched my computer in the face. I mean, in the screen.

“Who are you, Walter?” Jeff asked.

He meant Walter White, the cancer-stricken, increasingly violent chemistry teacher-turned-drug lord from Breaking Bad (which, as you may recall, we have become obsessed with).

I do not think he meant this as a compliment, like “I bet you, too, could cook 40 pounds of super-pure meth surprisingly fast if you set your mind to it, even though you barely passed your 9th grade chemistry Regents.”

I think he meant it like, “Chill the fuck out and stop putting the beat-down on inanimate objects.”

My husband is very wise. My computer, on the other hand, is useless.

It’s like ten thousand spoons, when all I need is a knife... you know? ;)
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40 comments :

  1. I don't know why my com often slows down and does something weird.
    www.meatlessusa.com

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  2. THIS is hilarious. thanks.

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  3. I had this one too! I was without my laptop for a week during crucial thesis writing time. It was hell. My whole computer had to be disassembled and things were done to it that I don't even want to think about because it was so traumatizing.

    I hope things work out for you and your computer. Try throwing it down the stairs. It will get out your aggravation, and if you have the same brand computer as me, chances are it will survive and still work (seriously, my laptop took a trip done some stairs AND was involved in a serious car accident and still works). Good luck!

    http://oneblondegirl.blogspot.com/2010/02/im-infected.html

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  4. It's like rain on your wedding day.

    I've had this a couple of times (Who-hoo, because twice is nice!) and my husband vetoed my idea of putting my laptop in the shredder and googled stuff and came up with Malware Bytes, which is a system that kills the virus. So you have to download it and run in safe mode to get it to work, blah blah blah. Personally, I would put Geek Squad on speed dial.

    Good luck! As your plane goes down, you can think, "Well isn't this nice?"

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  5. It sounds like your computer asked for it. They should know by now that we are the boss.

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  6. It sounds like it was asking to be punched. Computers should know by now that we are the boss.

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  7. A virus of fake pop-up anti-virus scans truly is the good advice that you just didn't take.

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  8. I'm going to the Apple store today to get my laptop charger replaced for the second time...in two days...so I'm pretty much stuck at a standstill on those pesky little things called final papers.

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  9. It's the black fly in your Chardonnay...peer pressure. I had to comply. I had that anti-virus virus on my old work computer. It kept coming back like that cat. Finally, I had to quit. You might just try bringing it to a repair shop, though, cause quitting would not be practical, am I right?

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  10. Yes, call Geek Squad. They will fix your probs, and the work is guaranteed. I know, because I'm a Geek Squad Agent!

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  11. The last time I had a machine with a virus, it was a three-time hand-me-down that I couldn't wait to chuck in the bin. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise?

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  12. everyone on this season of breaking bad has gone CRAZY,
    but i love it.

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  13. Damn computers. Sometimes you just need to slap them around a little. I've even caressed my printer to get it to stop jamming, so I'm totally convinced that they respond to lashings and loves. I promise I'm just talking about a computer printer and nothing else. Oh God. Speaking of love, nice Alanis reference--hilarious.

    Now I really want to see Breaking Bad.

    unravelledthreads.blogspot.com

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  14. I got that virus too.. unfortunately when you get it the sneaky thing blocks you from 'googling' software that will fix the problem (by redirecting pages). I do believe if you use yahoo or some other search engine the virus won't block the pages...

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  15. Hey Sassy,
    Longtime fan, first time poster. The fake AV stuff is pretty widespread but not often destructive. http://www.malwarebytes.org/mbam.php is often helpful but sometimes the fake AV won't let you go there. Try starting in safe mode and looking in explorer (not the browser) for recently created files that you don't recognize. They're usually gibberish like zxcvkjh.exe or something. Often, Googling the name of the fake AV will take you to some helpful discussions. Don't despair. Contact me if you need anymore help. Also, (shameless self-promotion), you might enjoy my blog: http://sulliedwords.blogspot.com/. I promise it's not boring computer stuff. That's just my day job.

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  16. You might have just single-handedly saved humanity from a Matrix-like future of computer enslavement. You should have dropped an elbow. I certainly don't want some electric cord shoved in a hole in the back of my neck.

    On the other hand, maybe you just really pissed it off. In that case, way to go.

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  17. Apparently, you weren't the only one ... Yesterday, McAfee had a faulty update that kept it popping up and shutting down computers everywhere ...

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36714066/ns/technology_and_science-security/

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  18. Hilarious!!! And I absolutely love that album. But looking back it was something wrong about a 5th grader (I was at the time) listening too it. Oh well, I didn't turn out that fucked up. Well maybe a little.

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  19. Hilarious!!! And I absolutely love that album. But looking back it was something wrong about a 5th grader (I was at the time) listening too it. Oh well, I didn't turn out that fucked up. Well maybe a little.

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  20. Every now and then, I forget and open up internet explorer on my home computer. And then it does this insane thing where it opens up 9 thousand browser windows one after the other. I can't close them quickly enough and all I can do is scream at my computer to stop. Which doesn't help, but which I think does feel good.

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  21. I usually try to go for ninja kicks before pulling out the guns as a weapon. However, I agree that your computer was totally asking for it on this one...that's a really annoying virus.

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  22. It's a death row pardon, two minutes too late. LOL One of the best CD's of all time, methinks!! I still listen to it all the time. =) I had this super hip English teacher in HS who used AM to teach us about irony and other things, which rocked! As far as the computer crap goes, I can't really decide if the pop-up means I've already contracted the virus, or if clicking on the pop-up loads the virus. It's a lose-lose, regardless...fuckin' viruses. Did you hear about the McAfee fiasco that was going on all day?? Crazy shit...

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  23. So I know you have been receiving all the advice and more on this topic but I had this virus a few months ago and when Geek Squad was absolutely useless I called my very own geeky friend who helped me out. If you can revert your computer back to a time before it had the virus you'll be set. I know that sounds a bit intimidating but trust me, I'm not any good with computers and it worksed for me. It also saved me hundreds of dollars that I would have given to the squad...good luck!

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  24. Haha, I love this post. That song is 15 years old and yet it still bothers me too that said crooner repeatedly mistakes consequence with irony. Thanks for the chuckle! Good luck with the computer.

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  25. Love this!
    We are obsessed with your blog!!
    Definitely will be following!!

    http://www.brunchatbarneys.blogspot.com/

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  26. I agree with Oddball....I had that same virus before. All I had to do was a "system restore" to a previous date, and shazam, virus gone!!

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  27. My laptop was in the shop. I'm sure you've noticed my absence because I'm so important.
    I missed my daily dose of Sassy laughter.

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  28. Ah, the old 10% rule....
    You must be 10% smarter than whatever you are trying to master. I spend my days banging my forehead into my monitor, wondering where my really expensive education failed me! Good luck, perhaps you should get kid from down the street to fix it and save yourself the frustration :)

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  29. I've got the same problem and I got mad and just let it expire (which i know i shouldnt do). Now its expired and it still haunts be every time I start up the computer asking me to renew. Damned thing.

    PS Breaking Bad is sooooo awesome! Can't wait for Sunday! It's like football season or something.

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  30. Go to majorgeeks.com and then go to the forums. There is a section somewhere on there that has a step-by-step guide to fixing all viruses. In involves downloading multiple programs and scanning your computer, then posting the logs from the scans on the forum. Eventually, someone will respond and tell you what to delete from the logs. After that, your computer will be fine.

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  31. my entire university is shut down from the virus. and seniors are trying to graduate in three weeks?!

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  32. Hey there... love your blog, so I feel kinda obligated to help, as I remove viruses a lot. Anyway... basic steps for me for virus removal are:

    1. Spot running tasks and try to ID what the executable the virus is using in task manager.

    2. Use google to investigate wacky process names and determine if I need them or if they may be a virus.

    3. Use a start up process analyzer suck as TrendMicro's "Hijack this" to remove any suspect start up items: http://free.antivirus.com/hijackthis/

    4. Write down suspect file names by investigating the areas the processes in steps 1-3 reside.

    5. Reboot in "safe-mode command prompt only" (after POST screen hit F8 repeatedly until safe mode menu comes up, choose command prompt only one)

    6. Attempt to delete files related to any of the start up processes or running processes I identified as viruses in steps 1-3 using DOS commands (I know, this really is the most technical part).

    7. Run "explorer" from command prompt to get the desktop going. Right click and manage on My Computer, choosing services. Inspect services for anything wonky, disable.

    8. Reboot... this usually does the trick... I'd be willing to help but you don't know me from Adam so if you'd rather not that won't hurt my feelings :P

    You may have tried this already, and if so, sorry!

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  33. I had the same virus & ended up paying $300 to have it fixed. Sadness. I wish I'd known about this 'go back in time in your computer' thing.

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  34. Anonymous1:01 PM

    As the old wives tale goes...An Apple a day keeps the viruses away. Take it as a sign and join us in the bliss.

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  35. I got that exact same virus - on my work computer - yikes! I was so pissed. Good luck is all I can tell you.

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  36. Yeah, but there are times a little violence is necessary for the inanimate objects. Otherwise you feel so helpless. Don't give them all the power.

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  37. Anonymous1:26 AM

    With ten thousand spoons, couldn't you manufacture a knife-like implement?

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  38. We've become obsessed with Breaking Bad, TOO. It is just so INTENSE and I just can't get enough of it. It's done so well!!

    In other news, sometimes you just have to turn the spoon around and use the handle as a knife, ya know?

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  39. Well I'm the office manager in a computer repair shop. We've been getting this a lot in here. It comes from clicking a link usually on Facebook or MySpace. The only way to get it completely out is to take out your harddrive and hook it up to another computer so you can go in and delete the files off it. It's a root kit virus which means it loads before your operating system. Anyways, you prolly didn't care to know all that, but at least now you know how to get the virus completely out.

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  40. thanks for visiting my blog :)

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