Thursday, April 15, 2010

Go Fug Myself 2010

So last night, in celebration of my 30th birthday, Jeff and I watched Chappelle's Show, ate Mexican food, and fell asleep at 10 pm.

TEN PM.

It's like our biological clocks have suddenly reset to "early bird special."

It's 10 pm. Do you know where your children are? No, because I was asleep. It's a good thing we don't have kids. Do you know that last week I found a Cadbury Mini Egg melted and smeared on the couch after Jeff fell asleep on top of it? It looked like poop, but since we don't have any pets I taste-tested it.

Anyway, I digress. This is the promised Go Fug Myself post, a birthday tradition as of 2007. This year I decided to take pity on L'il Una and focus on the growned-up version. Well, for the most part.


Circa 1990: This I must address, if only for the pants. The shirt (that says "Una") is, obviously, awesome, as are the unibrow and vaguely crimped hair. The acid wash jeans, however, are the sartorial equivalent of smelling my own armpit, as I seem to be doing here.


1998: This is me, at my wake... I mean, prom. I had terrible skin, so I decided to cover it with Kabuki-like makeup. Little did I know I was before my time; seven years later, Edward Cullen would make pasty morgue skin sexy. (Bonus: my prom date had the reddest face ever, so we looked like a Halloween couple dressed as Mike and Ike's.


Also 1998: Want to guess which Puerto Rican gang member I am in my high school production of West Side Story? Your clue is: thighs. Whoever said vertical stripes are slimming certainly didn't mean spandex.


Yup, still 1998: Speaking of ethnic adventures, here I am modeling some kind of Mexican peasant top for what I hoped would be my freshman year directory photo.

(It ended up being this:)

Anyway, I like to think of the shirt as a piece of flair for my teen angst. Kind of like a sarcastic "Ole!"


1999: I cropped my sister out of this photo because otherwise she would never speak to me again. This was on a ferry in Seattle, the summer after I cut off all my hair and learned once and for all that in order to pull that look off you have to be gamine and have a tiny nose and also maybe NOT be wearing sneakers the color of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Yet again I am reminded of the grandpa in Sixteen Candles when he's on the phone with the police looking for the missing Long Duck Dong: "What was he wearing? Well, uh, let's see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes... No, he's not retarded."


2002: This photo encapsulates everything that is wrong with being 22. The fake sexy face that kind of looks like you're pouting while taking a dump, the incredibly visible bra, the fact that you think you are totally the shit, and so pose for your friend's camera with your pouty-dump face. Agh, shoot me.


2006: I'm not sure which is worse: The fact that I'm using socks as oven mitts or that tie-dye tank top. Either way, I'm making an "uh-oh" face. That might also be because I forgot pants. Whatever I'm cooking better be fucking worth it.


2004: I went through a period in 2004 when I thought wearing a tie was the cutest. I really could not get enough of myself. Sometimes (as above), I looked like a dwarf accountant. Other times, I looked like... well, like this:


Which accessory is more unforgivable: The cigarette... or that belt?


2005: Aaaaaand, this photo encapsulates everything that's wrong with being 25: the naivete required to purchase Carmen Electra's aerobic striptease DVD, and that sweatband. The bravado necessary to pose with a screen shot of the DVD (and, of course, pouty-dump face).

Here we come to a fun segment I like to call "Camera Pregnancies":


2003: That's me and my friend Bajir. We were not, shockingly, members of a basketball team (as you may recall, I am not a star athlete). And I am not, shockingly, five months pregnant, as it might appear from my belly, which is so fetchingly protruding from beneath my shortened jersey.

I also caught preggers the night before my wedding in 2007:


This, friends, is the skinniest I have ever been. At my wedding I looked downright emaciated. But the 3/4 turn pose you see here--coupled with the unfortunate empire waist of my dress--created a seven month-old fetus.

I will end with a re-post of the photo I use as my blog banner, and one of my personal faves. Note the selfsame acid wash jeans from the first photo. Circle of life, y'all.


UNA: You wish you looked like me.
ZOE: Can it, bitch.
UNA: You wish you had high-waisted, acid-washed denim Capri pants.
ZOE: Actually I’m pretty sure I’m better off pantsless.
UNA: My two-piece looks like the Carvel ice cream logo. I RULE.
ZOE: You have one eyebrow and no belly-button. How does that work?
UNA: At least I’m not wearing bunny sneakers, halfpint.
ZOE: Um, I believe you belong in guest parking, hag. Read the sign.
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38 comments :

  1. Oh gosh, the 'pouty sexy look'. I think we've all been guilty of that at some point in our lives.

    Your birthday sounded like a lot of fun :)

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  2. Maybe it's an indication of my insanity, but I actually think the tie/belt combo was kinda cute. Then again, I was young and impressionable only a year or so before that and also had a lot of ties and funky belts.

    Still. I think it was cool.

    PS - Happy birthday! :)

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  3. I love all the photos. Happy birthday.

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  4. Love the nostalgia! Don't feel bad. I had plaid and stripes going on in the 70s. YIKES!

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  5. I could never post pics of me throughout the years....you are one brave and funny woman!

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  6. "But the 3/4 turn pose you see here--coupled with the unfortunate empire waist of my dress--created a seven month-old fetus."

    reading that line made me snort half-digested Cadbury Creme Egg all over my laptop screen. You sure do have a way with words, lady. Ta for the giggles at your expense. You are so good to us.

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  7. Great, now I want bunny sneakers.

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  8. You looked hot with your tie and belt! =D

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  9. So I kind of didn't hate the short 'do from the ferry ride of 1999. Of course, the first thing I noticed in the picture was the shoes, but still...

    Still laughing over the "dwarf accountant" comment...bwa ha!

    Aaaand, of course I love the Camera Pregnancy pictures.

    You rock. I hope you had a stellar birthday; sometimes I wish I could be fast asleep by 10pm!

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  10. Ah, memory lane. The rutted pot-hole riddled expressway to either a) depression or b) endless entertainment. It is true what they say... the defining difference between tragedy and comedy is whether or not it happens to you.

    Thanks for being self assured and secure enough to poke fun at yourself. You rock!

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  11. LOVE the post! LOVED all the pictures!!!! i should really bust out some of my old school ones too. the unibrow is definitely hard to beat. i LOVE that you share these photos with us!!!! you're posts are always good for a laugh. =)

    oh and i haven't even hit 30 yet and me and the hubs are ALWAYS in bed between 8 and 9. =( i guess that's what happens with KIDS! bleh.

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  12. Wait until you get to celebrate your 38th birthday party...
    I've yet to decide whether to go to bed at 7pm or 8pm.

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  13. Wow! You are so uncool. You don't even have your acid wash jeans rolled at the bottom...

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  14. Looooove this post. How do you have all these photos???

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  15. Happy belated birthday and thanks for sharing! I loved it. It's hard to think that at 30 I'll be making fun of 18-year-old me's clothes, but I guess thinking you're cool is kind of the point...

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  16. You made me laugh out loud with your commentary! Thank you and Happy Birthday!

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  17. HA! I still own and occasionally work out to the Carmen Electra Striptease tapes.
    Oh my- I've just said tapes. They are actually on DVD and I am feeling old. Happy 30th!

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  18. What a fantastic idea. When I turn 30 I'm doing this. And that pouty look, I have never gotten it...my sister has tons of poses like that. It's like her signature pose.

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  19. Thanks to "Blogs of Note" I have just come across your page and completely inappropriately laughed myself nearly to tears while reading this. Please note that I am currently situated in cubicle-ville. This entry is HILARIOUS.

    Unravelled Threads

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  20. i totally understand the photo/fashion progression of the years. I look back even last year (current status 24 yrs... dont hurt me!) and i see some picks and it's a "wwhhhhhaaat the heeeeellll was i THINKING!!!!??!!"
    And i pull pouty sexy face and quizzical head tilt/pondering all the time... i'm sooo the hawt lol (jk?)

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  21. I just adore your blog Una!

    Did you know there is a website dedicated to that constipated duckface you're making? You can find it here: http://antiduckface.com/

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  22. What you call pouty-dump face translates to train face in my world. My mother gave my boyfriend a photo of me at age 12 hanging off the side of train with striped thigh-highs making a similar, "I'm trying hard to be seductive in a Pretty Baby, sort of way" face. I'll never live it down!

    We've all been there though...

    Btw, I also took up Carmen Electra for a period of time. I got the ass-slap bit, but the rest looked dreadful!

    www.markgillianaksel.blogspot.com

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  23. Hmm...I think the tie and belt combo was particularly confusing. It reminded me a bit too much of every bartender at a local hotel bar that I was too hoplessly insecure to give my phone number to. Thank you for throwing salt into that wound. Also, take note that in the Midwest, many of these outfits are in style. Ah, the glory of living in Iowa.

    I love the blog by the way. So far it is my favorite! Keep up the great work!

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  24. I love the way you can laugh about yourself. Speaking of retrospect fashion DON'Ts, I question every thing I put because, sure, I think I look cute today, but history has taught me that when I look at a picture of myself wearing that outfit three years from now, chances are I am going to feel sad and a little disappointed in myself.

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  25. Thank you for being so selfless on your birthday and giving us the gift...the gift of pointing and laughing!

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  26. How wrong is it that I now really want Carmen Electra's aerobic striptease DVD?

    You = beautiful and rockin, every step.

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  27. And the upcoming movie, "It's A Wonderful Una Life" is being released when???

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  28. Your blog banner picture always makes me think of Judy Blume books. I can't put my finger on why but I love it none the less.

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  29. Oh my god, l just laughed my way through this post. Ah, just brilliant. It almost makes me want to drag my puffball skirt, polka dot leggings and high tops out of the wardrobe. Alongside my crimper.

    Thanks!

    Lady M :) x

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  30. You got better every year. Why don't guys do the same? I look like I'v been through a war. Wait a minute, I have been through a war.

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  31. You have a great writing style!!! Have you ever thought of writing screenplays? You have a distinctive voice...I'd hate for the world to miss out on it!

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  32. Hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh out loud!

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  33. I just started following your blog and have read a few from your favorites list a few posts back and I have to say that you are so funny!

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  34. I'm laughing so hard my husband thinks I've lost my marbles..and yet I don't care. This was the BEST.post.ever. I can't wait until next year's birthday!

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  35. I read a lot of great blogs, but I can't remember so thoroughly enjoying the humor of a post from start to finish.

    Oh - and the courage!! I'm 10 years older than you, but I haven't gained that much courage to expose that much of myself in those 10 extra years. (Mind you, your photos don't come anywhere near mine in terms of utter humiliation). Bravo.

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  36. Oh.My.God. Hysterical. Glad I stumbled on to your blog.

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  37. I'm getting old. I'm thinking, "awww, look how cute she is"- a sure sign of me losing my edge (if I ever had one)

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  38. can i just say i was reading this post while in class and that i had to do everything i could to keep from erupting in laughter while my professor was eight feet in front of me?

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