Thursday, April 29, 2010

Centaurs Versus Vampires: It is SO ON

Everyone is on the lookout for the next Twilight.

I don’t mean the actual next one, the one in which Bella and Edward finally bang, releasing enough pent-up teenage blue balls to solve the energy crisis.

I mean the next It... thing. The It creature.The It pop culture moment. Like vampires but less... sucky.

Hobbits and wizards have obviously been done to death. So let’s take a look at the other contenders:

ANGELS


Pop-culture touchstones: Clarence in It’s A Wonderful Life; Warren Beatty in Heaven Can Wait; Bruno Ganz and Otto Sander in Wings of Desire; John Travolta, wearing overalls and a shirt made of chest hair, in Michael (above); Nic Cage basically acting out the plot of The Little Mermaid—if, you know, Prince Eric had gotten killed by a truck at the end—in City of Angels; Christopher Walken in The Prophecy; Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, and Alan Rickman in Dogma; Christopher Lloyd in Angels in the Outfield; inappropriate Roma Downey/Della Reese porn show Touched By An Angel; angel dust (PCP); angel food cake (delicious); Shaggy song (ridiculous)

Pros: Look human; um... angelic?; can fly

Cons: Self-righteous; hard to fit wings into ironic, fitted flannel shirts; bell-ringing side effects unknown

DEVILS


Pop-culture touchstones: Al “Hoo-ah!” Pacino in The Devil’s Advocate (above); Elizabeth Hurley in Bedazzled; Viggo Mortensen in The Prophecy; Harvey Keitel in Little Nicky; Tim Curry in Legend; Linda Blair in The Exorcist; Trey Parker in South Park; Rosemary’s Baby Daddy; Devil Dogs; deviled eggs; “Devil With a Blue Dress On” by Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels

Pros: Look human; have sexy bad-boy/girl thing going; demons in the sack

Cons: Will singe the shit out of your bedsheets; trident accidents not uncommon

ZOMBIES


Pop-culture touchstones: Dawn of the Dead; Shaun of the Dead; Night of the Living Dead; Return of the Living Dead; Day of the Dead; 28 Days Later; Rob Zombie; The Cranberries; Paris Hilton

Pros: Focused; hungry; can walk upright

Cons: Not dead in a sexy way like vampires... dead in a maggoty, falling-apart way; eat human flesh; bad conversationalists

GHOSTS


Pop-culture touchstones: Patrick Swayze; Casper; Slimer (above); Pac-Man's nemeses; Poltergeist; Haley Joel Osment

Pros: Mysterious; see-through; can inhabit Whoopie Goldberg

Cons: Disappear often; could be just some asshole in a sheet

FAERIES


Pop-culture touchstones: Tinker Bell; Oona from Legend (above); Sugar Plum fairy; Tooth fairy; Faerie Tale Theater; Shephard Fairey

Pros: Compact; adorable; make good Obama posters

Cons: Poor exchange rate for teeth; spelling of “faerie” admittedly pretty gay

WEREWOLVES


Pop-culture touchstones: Lon Chaney in The Wolf Man; Jack Nicholson in Wolf; Teen Wolf (above); An American Werewolf in London (and Paris); the terrible CGI in New Moon; Armenians

Pros: Will never go bald; decent at basketball

Cons: Will break the shit out of your razor; ticks

ALIENS


Pop-culture touchstones: Alf; Cocoon; ET; Jeff Goldblum in Teletubbies Earth Girls Are Easy (above); Alien; Close Encounters of the Third Kind; Mars Attacks!; Heathers lunchtime poll

Pros: Make old people young; can craft intergalactic communication device out of Speak N’ Spell and coffee can; score with Geena Davis

Cons: Eat cats; may blow up the world

GIANTS


Pop-culture touchstones: Roald Dahl’s The B.F.G.; the Gorgs from Fraggle Rock; Fezzik from The Princess Bride (above); They Might Be Giants

Pros: Tall; good at rhymes; really good at Malcolm in The Middle theme song

Cons: Will crush you during sex; hard to shop for shoes

ELVES


Pop-culture touchstones: Will Ferrell; Keebler elves; Snap, Crackle, and Pop; Liv Tyler/Orlando Bloom in The Lord of The Rings; Dudley Moore in 80s classic Christmas romp Santa Claus: The Movie (above); Hermey from that stop-motion Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer; David Sedaris’ "The Santaland Diaries"; Elvis Costello

Pros: Make delicious cookies/cereal/toys; will cobble shoes while you sleep

Cons: Poke holes in hats; stockings do not equal pants

YETI/BIGFOOT/SASQUATCH


Pop-culture touchstones: Harry and the Hendersons (above); Paris Hilton

Pros: You know what they say about megafauna cryptids with big feet…

Cons: Mange

MERMAIDS


Pop-culture touchstones: Ariel; Madison from Splash (above); The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock; Sirens

Pros: Flirtatious; nice piece of tail

Cons: Prone to streaking at the Statue of Liberty; lure sailors to shipwrecks; may have crabs

Hmmm. None of these are original enough. So I say the next vampire will be…

CENTAURS!!!


Pop-culture references: Mr. Tumnus from The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe; marble statues… THAT IS BASICALLY IT. SO MUCH MORE POTENTIAL!!!!

[UPDATE: Reader Ross alerts me to the fact that Mr. Tumnus was not a centaur but a faun. Whatever, in the movie he was half James McEvoy, half something else I wasn't paying attention to due to the James McEvoy half.]

Pros: Six-pack abs; fast like Seabiscuit

Cons: Sex scenes pose a problem (bestiality not generally part of New York Times bestseller list); ballroom dancing not a strength

Still, CENTAURS!!! You heard it here first. Stephanie Meyer, you are offically ON NOTICE.
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41 comments :

  1. ZOMBIES- I hope. They can do it all. Drive cars, shoot guns, make love,bleed all the time and I think have family's.

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  2. Not to poop on your party, but while there were centaurs in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, Mr. Tumnus was a faun.

    There was a cartoon from the 60s, The Mighty Hercules, where the sidekick was a stuttering centaur named Newton.

    I say we haven't seen enough mermaids, but that's just the guy in me.

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  3. Oh my god, I'm dying. Right now. Sasquatch=Paris Hilton. Hahahahaha, Michael is such a prime movie! I forgot all about it.

    Melanie @Unravelled Threads
    Don't forget to enter my custom elastic waistband skirt giveaway!

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  4. Please tell me you finally watched Legend. That is one of the best movies of all time!

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  5. @Dr. Vinny: Um, best zombie description ever.

    @Ross: Dammit. Well, he was still half human half animal. I wasn't paying attention because of James McEvoy and his irrepressible hotness.

    @Melanie: Right? So many amazing movies I'd forgotten. Jeff and I might have to do a Netflix movie series...

    @Jessica: No, I suck. Netflixing NOW.

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  6. Love your post, but one thing...

    Unfortunately, Bella and Edward won't "bang" until book 4, which is rumored to be split into two movies. Twilighters are waiting for Bella's first kiss with Jacob in Eclipse.

    I'm not so sure that Centaurs are the next big thing, but I do think angels will be. Check out the book Fallen by Lauren Kate and Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick. Great reads and they don't take nearly as long to finish as a Stephenie Meyer book. (No disrespect, though. I love her writing!!)

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  7. I am laughing so hard that I might actually pee my pants. You are the queen of all things.

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  8. Don't forget the centaurs in Harry Potter! Firenze saved Harry's life, for goodness sake. Centaurs are awesome. All the info you would ever want to know about them: http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Centaur

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  9. Since you mentioned Mr. Tumnus...

    FAUNS

    Pros: Bare chest = HOT, "horny as a goat" mean anything to you?, doesn't require shoes.

    Cons: Fleas, unfaithful (chases nymphs whenever possible), smells bad.

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  10. I like this. A lot. Just recently started following your blog...my favourite part is the reference to mermaids being "a nice piece of tail". Very nice.

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  11. You so did not grow up a dork reading fantasy novels. (Shakes head at lack of literary references.)

    Also, my favorite movie angel remains Dudley, a.k.a. Cary Grant in "The Bishop's Wife"

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  12. Is it bestiality if they're reverse centaurs? Horse head, human junk?

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  13. haha, this is the best list of all!

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  14. @Californian: Your comments = highlight of my day.

    @Tessa: Clearly I do not know my Twilight. I am SO EMBARRASSED.

    @Jane: Thank you! Do I get a scepter?

    @Jenna: I also do not know my HP. Obviously I have no idea what the fuck I am talking about.

    @Mainland: Nice!

    @77Cher: Why thank you!

    @Amber: Hmmmm. I think I need to phone a friend on this one. But I'm going to go with creepy either way.

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  15. Love, love, LOVE your blog! It's going to take me forever to read the whole thing, but it will be worth it!

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  16. James McEvoy is so hot, and yes even as a faun. Faun's are different that Centaurs because they're more half goat than half horse, and they stand upright on two legs instead of four...duh. A good centaur would be the Tongan looking dude from Harry Potter.

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  17. OMG!! ahahahaha EPIC!

    just one thing: you should have listed Stephanie Meyer under Aliens. she clearly is one. lol

    love your blogs! they crack me up!

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  18. Don't forget that awesome SNL sketch where Chris Parnell as a centaur describes how centaurs wipe their asses and who they're attracted to, humans or horses (neither, other centaurs!).

    The fact that both fauns and centaurs have visible nipples does disturb, me though. I recently blogged about Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe and Mr. Tumnus's visible aureole freaked me out so bad.

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  19. Zombies are already a pop culture thing. I recommend reading "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter." It was fantastic.
    Ghosts look kick ass...or at least you made them sound kick ass.

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  20. Anonymous1:14 PM

    you just made me so nostalgic for angels in the outfield, dogma, angel food cake, rosemary's baby, the cranberries, patrick swayze, carper, ghost busters, peter pan, american werewolf in paris (julie delpy is where it's at), mars attacks!, cocoon, princess bride, harry and the hendersons, and splash!! there goes my active weekend plans in exchange for moviefest 2010!

    also, i hope it's mermaids. merpeople are amazing. i wish there was a sexy bird-people equivalent.

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  21. I know stephanie's other book outside of twilight was to do with a certain kind of alien/zombie dealio.
    It was actually a pretty good read, it's called Host.
    i know it was a surprise to me too!

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  22. I am voting for mermaids because they are pretty or Centaurs because they are clearly hung like a horse. I am all about sexy......

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  23. The Earth Girls Are Easy reference just made me pee my pants a little. Love it!

    I'd really like the next vampire to be Goblins. David Bowie as Jareth anyone?

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  24. Very, very clever. Love the six-pack on that centaur!

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  25. I have to vote for centaurs...I just don't think we see nearly enough of them. And I might watch The Little Mermaid tonight now! While I eat the rest of my angel food cake topped with strawberries and whipped cream....mmmhhhmmm

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  26. Hmm...I love Stephenie Meyer but I do agree that the whole movie crap has blown the "vampires are hot" thing way out of proportion...plus centuars are pretty amazing. what I don't get is why everyone is forgeting/not mentioning that there are actual centuars in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. And they are pretty fricken awesome too!

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  27. I think you should add crazy over controlling governments like in Battle Royale.
    Also the best movie ever, watch it!!

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  28. Had to read this one twice because it is so good. Love the Paris Hilton reference (so damn funny!) and can't get the image of ALF eating a cat out of my head. I totally forgot about that! Great, great post!

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  29. I'm a zombie guy myself. But unlike teen girls I don't expect my monsters to turn me on so it might not work out.

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  30. In the books Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, centaurs play a role. Look it up- they made a movie out of the first one.

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  31. LOL! I love that Paris Hilton is in both the Zombie and Sasquatch/Yeti/Bigfoot groups.

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  32. Maegan9:32 PM

    OMG faeries are SO next. Someone read the iron kind and then tell me faeries are not awesome! Centaurs are also a little creepy...

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  33. Hilarious as usual. I visit your blog on a daily basis, and you never fail to come through. I hope my own will be as successful at some point. Keep up the excellent work!

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  34. You did not mention one werewolf from pop culture. He is a lot less well known/ important, but is pretty low-budget, looking back. May be worth your while... I posted about it on my blog.

    Also, while I loved the Narnia books and remember that Mr.Tumnus was a faun, I too do not care. James McAvoy can be whatever he wants...mmm mmm.

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  35. You are missing the centaur references from Harry Potter. But I agree, Centaurs are an underrated and reported species of fiction...

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  36. Don't ever read Angela Carter's Infernal Desire Machines of Doctor Hoffman if you ever want to think of centaurs/fauns without involuntarily throwing up. So, as long as most of the population hasn't read it, totally the next big thing! Seriously though.. love Angela Carter but I'm completely traumatized.

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  37. Does it make me a bad blogger because I have no interest in the Twilight series --- books or movies?

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  38. Mork from Ork is my favourite alien forever...but I really don't see that catching on.

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  39. HAVEN'T YOU READ THE LIGHTENING THIEF SERIES!? Centaurs are bad-ass all over that bad-boy. Just wait for the next movie.

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  40. BAHAH! Wow, this was hilarious. Personally aliens could rock because they could look like anything. Picture it--a whole race of men who look like Hugh Jackman or something. Mmm...
    There was aTV show back in the 1980s called "V", that had some--at the time--sexy aliens, I think.

    Have you done any acting?
    http://jostorm.blogspot.com/

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