Tuesday, April 6, 2010

30 Things Not To Do Before I'm 30 Part 3 (The Final One, Promise)

I will finish what I started, dammit, because I am a grown up (in seven days, it's officially inarguable). If you missed the first two parts of this list, you can find them here and here.

21. Finish my EGOT. (As defined by Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock, that's winning an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony). So far I only have an expired Babysitters Club Fan Club membership and a 4th place JV track trophy from high school (on which the runner's foot has broken off).

22. Get new glasses. (I need them, and my eyes are bloodshot from squinting all the time, but for some reason I'm currently obsessed with giant 80s frames and I feel I need to let this urge pass. Jeff agrees. I was all, "But they're so cute in a nerdy, Annie Hall kind of way." And he said, "Maybe back then. Now they're only cute in a douchey hipster kind of way." Touché... or should I say, douché?)

23. Learn the Single Ladies dance. (I totally missed that boat. I need a new dance craze, stat! Also maybe some new knees, because every time I squat lately I pop. And not like pop and lock, like pop and limp.)

24. Be a housemate on Jersey Shore. (With application directives like "appear to be younger than 30"—dudes, I cannot control my crow's feet, they are genetic—and "no haters allowed"—but Haterade is my favorite thirst quencher!—I wouldn't have a chance in hell, no matter how hard I GTL in the next few days.)

25. Learn to speak Spanish. (Sure, I'm going to DR, but I'm sure I'll get by with the lyrics to Gerardo's "Rico Suave" and, of course, "En Mi Viejo San Juan."

26. Pronounce words correctly. (Jeff makes fun of me because I say some things funny. Like apparently I say "far-head" and "har-mone" instead of forehead and hormone. Also this weekend on the drive to Massachusetts I read him an article from the New York Times Magazine about gay albatrosses (really) and apparently I mispronounced "macaque," which is a kind of monkey. I guess it's "ma-cack" but I was saying "ma-cock." Of course Jeff liked that one. I'm totally smacking my farhead.)

27. Make a list of 90 types of bitches. (It would never be better than this one. Although I offer a #91: Stupid ass list-making bitches. Meta!)

28. Finish this fucking list.  (Seriously, WTF was I thinking? Geez.)

29. [Tumbleweeds]

30. [Crickets]

(I have to leave myself something to strive for in my fourth decade.)


  1. If you got close enough to that hot tub on Jersey Shore you might not make it to your 30th birthday. I am convinced that some horrible, unknown disease it brewing in there that will cause devestation to the Eastern seaboard.

  2. If you got close enough to that hot tub on Jersey Shore you might not make it to your 30th birthday. I am convinced that some horrible, unknown disease it brewing in there that will cause devestation to the Eastern seaboard.

  3. I think this just proves that you're mentally 28.

  4. You quoted Tracy... That put me off a bit, but the top vacation movies of all time, good selection...


  5. Like your list, but I'm fifty. Which is the new thirteen.

  6. I did not take your name in vain, but I did talk about you.

  7. Dude, you have all kinds of kick-ass blog awards, so you're well on the way to your EGOT, even if you don't accomplish it by 30.
    Learning the Single Ladies Dance was my only New Year's resolution (because any kind of "change my life" resolutions only end up being depressing)... although hell will freeze over before you ever catch me doing it in a leotard.

  8. ah yes the farhead....one of my daddies words. I miss that thanks for the reminder

  9. For me (if I tried to do the Single Ladies dance), a snap and crackle would most definitely precede the pop, however I would end it with a limp for sure....so, we are on the same page there. Also, I find that pronouncing words incorrectly makes things more interesting - so, stop smacking your far-head and chaulk it up to spur-adic (that's a mispronunciation of mine, feel free to use it at will) har-mone fluctuationes (I feel adding in spur-adic spanish-type pronunciations is fun, I do it for no other reason honestly) that result in such mispronunciations. ;)

  10. oh em gee!! lol i have an expired babysitter's club fan club membership too!! (i literally read every babysitter's club book they had at my local library! is that an accomplishment or just pathetic...? eh, either way)

  11. I'm totally with you on the single ladies dance, although I have a little over 4 years to make that happen. New follower, I love your blog. Hilarious!

  12. Jersey Shore huh? Let's go!

  13. Ha! I actually decided not to let myself turn 30 without getting new glasses. Although mine were being held together with electrical tape, so maybe that's slightly different

  14. I am cracking up reading your blog! Hilarious! I loved the 90 Kinds of Bitches thing...

  15. You aren't 30 yet? You seem wiser then a twenty-something.

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  17. I'm so relieved to know I wasn't the only person to join the Babysitters' Club fan club.

    And how disappointing was the movie when it FINALLY came out?


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