Saturday, March 20, 2010

This Is Why I Can't Have Nice Things

So that box of memories my sister gave me was filled with more than just embarrassing diaries and evil thoughts about other people's overalls. It also contained:
  • A book full of slides taken during a production of a play I starred in junior year of college, not long after I smoked hash in Germany and attempted to bleach my hair and give myself bangs. You will see these in my annual birthday "Go Fug Myself" post.
  • A copy of "Kidnapped," aka Book 13 of the Sweet Valley High series by Francince Pascal. This was my favorite SWH story, because Elizabeth got kidnapped by a mentally-ill orderly at the hospital where she worked as a candy striper who made her eat frozen pancakes and called her "George" (and if I remember correctly it was all that whore Jessica's fault since she asked Elizabeth to sign up for candy striping so that Jessica could go on some TV show in an effort to hump some new guy in town, the one with the deaf sister who Jessica later tries to sabotage because of jealously over Bruce Patman). Anyway. It was my favorite because Elizabeth, the decent human being, is the clear victim while Jessica has to look inward and realize what a terrible person she is. (I think we all know that as soon as I finish this blog I'm parking on the couch to revisit this relic.)
  • Evidence—and here I finally reach the point I was trying to make with the title of the post—that I do not care for things well. Exhibit A:

I know you're probably thinking, it's just an old book cover. Granted, Otherwise Known as Sheila The Great was a masterpiece, but you can buy it at Barnes and Noble!

Um, no:


OMG YOU GUYS, JUDY BLUME SIGNED A BOOK FOR ME! She's like the adolescent's version of J.D. Salinger! This is like a national treasure and I ruined it!!!!! Now it looks like Judy had cerebral palsy and was weeping while she wrote it. (Maybe she had just re-read Tiger Eyes; that book is fucking sad.)

If future civilizations found this they'd assume it had been fossilized after a flash flood or something, when it was really just a nine year-old not taking care of her books. Kind of makes you wonder about museum artifacts, doesn't it?
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48 comments :

  1. You sure did destroy that book!

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  2. Your discovery does make one look at the whole field of archeology with a little skepticism. Dinosaurs became extinct when a meteor hit the earth, blocking it from the sun with a layer of ash? Actually, it was more likely a teenage dinosaur smoking in the forest who set the whole earth aflame. You're practically an investigative reporter - well-played, Sass. :)

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  3. My now almost 19yr old daughter would cringe to see that book....but she would have jumped for joy to find it in a Goodwill store when she was 9. She sometimes still goes looking for books with inscriptions. She says it gives them character.
    To me it just looks like a well rad book that belongs to a kid

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  4. I read both of those books when I was young. I had them in my "library" in which I "loaned" books to my cousin.

    I would have griped you to no end if that had been my Judy Blume autographed copy you'd destroyed. But it wasn't so you're safe.

    Sucks you can't sell that on eBay though.

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  5. First of all, congratulations to younger Una for getting a signed book! My favourite childhood author was probably Enid Blyton. I can't say I would have treated her signed book any differently if I'd had one.

    My mom bought me this gorgeous tea set when I was a kid, and in the first hour, I'd broken almost all of the pieces. I only have two little teacups left! :(

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  6. The writing is beautiful

    The blog is successful

    The paper looks old

    with all those folds

    They are artistic

    and it is fantastic

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  7. I like the writing on the paper. Cool idea. It make our mind glide to the past memory.

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  8. I think we should all often think of our good old days.

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  9. bha ha ha ! OMG i am so going to hell for laughing so hard at the " Now it looks like Judy had cerebral palsy and was weeping while she wrote it" line. that's gold! solid gold!

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  10. oh man, Sweet Valley High! I love those bitches!!

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  11. Thanks for the trip down memory lane. I think I'm gonna go break out my Walter Farleys now.

    I once had the complete Trixie Beldon series, but between moves and cat pee (why is it cats and mice can always manage to pee on books left in storage?), there aren't many left. Same with my Black Stallion series.

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  12. Yeah Judy Blume's autograph is cool but I'm more excited about the SWH book, I read alll those and was obsessed! Did you get to SVU - the college years? Wow that takes me back.

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  13. What I remember about Sweet Valley High was on page 3 of every book Elizabeth & Jessica were described as "the perfect size 6." If those books were published today size 6 would not be perfect...how the self image of young girls has changed in the past 15 years. (I also read all the Baby Sitters Club books and like to imagine Kristy is now a lesbian.)

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  14. haha, this is awesome!!!

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  15. haha it really does make me wonder about museum artifacts!
    btw I spotted a blurb & link about you on style.com for your recap of Project Runway. I was like HEY! it's Una! good stuff.

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  16. I totally was a HUGE fan of Sweet Valley High and Judy Blume. I loved those books...

    http://diaryofawimpywoman.blogspot.com

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  17. God I loved Sweet Valley High. Best book series of all time.

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  18. Awww, keep it anyway. You never know, it still maybe worth something besides just memories.

    Tiffany
    http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com

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  19. I am appalled that a Judy Blume book was treated in such a fashion, much less one that was signed! For penitence you must say 100 Hail Judy's.

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  20. Oh. Em. Gee. You MET Judy Blume? No fricken way!!!!! And you wrecked the book she signed? Aaaahhhh!!! I should have had that book! If it had been mine, it would still be in mint condition, because I was verging on obsessive as a 9yo. Teehee

    nice post, Una. Loved your account of that SVH book. Wasn't That Jessica a bitch!

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  21. Hey, you were 9, cut yourself some slack. Love your description of Judy writing this with cerebral palsy while weeping. Your descriptions are just too funny.

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  22. I am right there with you. I have a signed copy of "The Giver" by Lois Lowry (my all time favorite YA book), and it is really beat to shit. I prefer to think that I just really loved it a lot over many years, rather than that I neglected it.

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  23. So weird! I just posted this morning on my inability to maintain nice things. Are you by chance stalking me?
    here's hoping.

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  24. Ah the days of Judy Blume. Personally, I was a Babysitters Club girl (I even started my own Babysitters Club for like a week) but Judy Blume was definitely awesome.

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  25. The book was just loved a little too much! At least you found it again. That's pretty cool.

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  26. OMG! Judy autographed the Dead Sea Scrolls for you! Lucky dawg.

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  27. I got Captain Beefheart's autograph on a napkin. Then I blew my nose on it. Cliff the Mailman on Cheers signed my postal carrier blouse with a Sharpie. You can't read the part sloping off my right breast.

    Don't ever lend me anything.

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  28. hay....visit my blog and happy blogging
    follow me please
    http://deekkyy.blogspot.com

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  29. One can kinda tell that it's clearly an authentic autograph or well intentioned forgery. Even so, it's great to have. Judy helped me through all of my childhood woes.
    Cheers,
    Robyn

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  30. LOL Looks a lot like my books since I had kids...I was always a librarian at heart and treated my books with the utmost care. (Yeah, I'm a total dork, I know...) =) The whole SVH thing really takes me back!! I used to fight girls in my classes all the time to have the privilege of checking out one or another of those books....it was insanity! LOL My younger daughter now carries on that tradition, but with the Junie B. Jones series. Funny little books, those! =)

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  31. bahaha! I would've kicked myself for trashing that, too. I had a copy of 'Don't Pat the Wombat' by Elizabeth Honey (...yeah, haw haw, the Australians write books about wombats, let's get that out of the way), and a friend of mine got it signed by the author... I spilt tea all over it. FAIL.

    But it's ok, I think yours just looks well-loved. Having said that, make sure you keep it under glass from now on. :D

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  32. I approve of the book. In the way it is. I too am someone who "destroy's" books. I bend the covers and read them at the table and get stuff spilled on them. Even if they are signed. And I think an author would prefer to know that their book was loved and well read and inspiring a child to read rather than sitting on a bookshelf looking pretty. I hate it when someone lends me a book and then is like-don't bend the biding. To me it's inhibiting my ability to enjoy the book if I can't carry it everywhere and put my nose right into the crease. Judging only on the books she wrote, I think Judy Blume would approve too.

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  33. I remember those days of reading books to rags. I'm sure my dog assisted.

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  34. I cannot wait to see your hair pictures.
    Ironically I just posted some lovely do's from my past on my site as well.
    Only someone with true appreciation for "volcanic ensembles" and such would appreciate them.

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  35. seriously HIGH-larious. SVH was awesome! and I can't take care of shit either. New to your blog & love it!!

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  36. I absolutely LOVED Sweet Valley High books, and Kidnapped was my favorite!!! I love getting hidden treasures from my past. Books I loved (the more tattered and torn the more loved in my mind), notes I wrote to my "BFF"s at the time. Fun Stuff!

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  37. I love old books. I hid some of mine just so later I can go back and smell them. (I know that sounds crazy weird, but old books smell good.)

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  38. Look at the bright side: When you and Jeff decide to have kids, you don't have to worry about them messing your stuff up!

    I don't have nice things either. My couch is basically destroyed with stains from two dogs and a toddler, and the hardwood chest/coffee table is covered in divots. So what? I'd rather not worry about it than have a house that looks like a museum. I just consider everything to have "character"...like your book does now. :)

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  39. If only Barney the purple dino wrote a book it would've been my blanket then..
    Your sister has given you the best gift ever:)

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  40. Old books do have a very distinctive smell.

    I can't take care of stuff, either, but I think that's what happens when people love their things so much they actually use them. I would rather enjoy my treasures than leave them sitting on a shelf, untouched.

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  41. Yeah, I'm sure ol' JB would be more than ok with her signature being messed up if she knew it was due to simple overloving of her work. If this blog were a book in my possession, signed or not, it would likely be in tatters by now.

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  42. To see something from your past that torn up and that used. I think it means you treasured it in your youth. You probably took it every where! Think, if you give a kid an action figure that could be worth millions when they are older. Do you think they are going to leave it in the box, or play with. They're going to play with it!! Props for getting it sign, and props for letting that book live its life for its purpose. to be love and cherished by a little kid.

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  43. Dude. That is so wrong. If JB had signed my copy of "Superfudge" that shizzle would be in The Vault!

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  44. I'll have you know you just made me laugh out loud at work with that signed book cover charade.
    Bitch.

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  45. Haha...Rachel's comment about her "library" sort of reminds me of my "library". Except I talked some of my friends into participating in the library selection too, and then we loaned our books to the other kids in the neighborhood. I got it busted up by the neighborhood moms for charging overdue book fines. LOL!

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  46. If that was my book, that would not be Judy Blume's autograph. That would be "Judy Blume's autograph" in my eight-year-old handwriting.

    Because in my mind, that's what Judy would have written if she had met me. "Are you there Judy? It's me, Allison..."

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  47. I was looking for random things in my garage the other day, and I found my collection of SVH books!!! I know that I should get rid of them, but I just can't!

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  48. Tiger Eyes made me cry my head off. Okay, I liked SVH, but I LOVED The Girls of Cambie Hall. Did you read that series? I need to get my old books and read them all. Must make the most out of my unemployment. :D

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