In guido speak, that's "Gym, Tanning, Laundry."
I am going to the Dominican Republic next week and I need to do all of those things. I mean, I need to do all of them always but especially right now.
The gym I need to hit not so much to look hot but rather to create a caloric deficit which I can then fill with daiquiris and steak. Nothing is hotter than getting a nice food belly while wearing a bikini, am I right? The only thing hotter is having a blistering sunburn on said food belly. Which brings me to...
Tanning. I have documented many a time how white I am. On the whiteness spectrum I fall somewhere between chalk and Glenn Beck. I make my little sister look Punjabi. For real:
Ebony, ivory, livin' together in harmony...
My sister has a face, she just doesn't like it when I post pictures of her on the Internet. Some people are so private.
Anyway, if I go out in the sun (especially drunk) without a base tan, I will surely burn. See, this is for health, not vanity.
Finally, laundry. I have, like, one ankle sock, a sweater with elbow holes and those harem pants my mom brought me from Spain; everything else is dirty. I have to do laundry this weekend or I will look like the spawn of Ruprecht and Tila Tequila.
The only difference is I'm whiter than him, and my clothes are probably less clean.