Wednesday, March 31, 2010

SWN: Sloth, Whiteness, Nudity

Seriously you guys, I could learn a lot from the cast of Jersey Shore. The three major obstacles in my life right now can be summed up in three letters: GTL.

In guido speak, that's "Gym, Tanning, Laundry."

I am going to the Dominican Republic next week and I need to do all of those things. I mean, I need to do all of them always but especially right now.

The gym I need to hit not so much to look hot but rather to create a caloric deficit which I can then fill with daiquiris and steak. Nothing is hotter than getting a nice food belly while wearing a bikini, am I right? The only thing hotter is having a blistering sunburn on said food belly. Which brings me to...

Tanning. I have documented many a time how white I am. On the whiteness spectrum I fall somewhere between chalk and Glenn Beck. I make my little sister look Punjabi. For real:

Ebony, ivory, livin' together in harmony...

My sister has a face, she just doesn't like it when I post pictures of her on the Internet. Some people are so private.

Anyway, if I go out in the sun (especially drunk) without a base tan, I will surely burn. See, this is for health, not vanity.

Finally, laundry. I have, like, one ankle sock, a sweater with elbow holes and those harem pants my mom brought me from Spain; everything else is dirty. I have to do laundry this weekend or I will look like the spawn of Ruprecht and Tila Tequila.

The only difference is I'm whiter than him, and my clothes are probably less clean.



  1. I feel your pain. One day I wen tto Sephora to find cover up to match my skin and they didn' thave anything light enough. I don't tan, If I burn, it heals and I'm the same color I was, just with more freckles. It's the Irish curse!

  2. I'm with you on all fronts except the tanning. Nothing frightens me more than being mistaken for an excped oompa loompa.

  3. I, too, am incredibly white. Fortunately, my best friend growing up was much much whiter than me--and whiter than you, actually--so I never really had a complex about my pale-ness.

    One time, when we were teenagers, she walked by some very indiscreet black guys, one of whom shouted as she walked by, "DAAAAAAMN THAT GIRL IS WHITE!!!". We still laugh about it to this day, but I think it scarred her sensitive soul.

    It is worth noting that you were born exactly one day after her, in the same year. Maybe God was out of melatonin that week?

  4. self tan? or tanning bed? just curious (not if you test drive some self tanners I would like to hear the results!)

  5. All the life of Jersey Shore...

    Scary people there. At least from what I have seen on TV.

  6. @Erin: And I am not even Irish! I am just cursed!

    @Ellie: I hear you. But I always imagine (read: pretend) that I will be golden tan and sun-kissed like Gisele Bundchen, as opposed to orange like Snooki.

    @TB: HAHAHA. I love that story. And your theory might hold water... my childhood BFF Salvador was born 4/12/80 and is almost as white as me.

    @Erin: I have self-tanned a ton of times, and tanning booth-ed only once due to my fear of skin cancer. I have never actually looked like anything approaching tan, though.

    @Momma Fargo: No, it is awesome. Well, if you have low-brow TV taste like I do, anyway.

  7. BSF. Bathing suit. Sarong. Flip flops. All of those you can buy when you get there, and that's pretty much all you'll wear, so screw the laundry. Just pack sunscreen and a hat. Actually, you can buy that there too. Just bring an empty suitcase so you can fill it with rum. Or is it only Canadians that do that? Damn...why is our booze so expensive???

  8. White you say...need to get a base tan...or like George Carlin used to say: " Neutralize the blue"...
    Love your blog...great sarcastic tone which makes me laugh.

  9. Ok, first of all, we're porcelain not white. (It sounds more delicate and precious.) Q: Why won't my legs tan? Last summer I spent a day outside, putting sunblock on everything but my legs because I really wanted to get some color on those things, even if it meant a burn. Guess what happened? The stuff I put sunblock on burnt and the legs? Not even pink! WFT?! Now THAT'S a curse!

  10. I loooooove a tan, but my dermatologist has promised to bitch-slap me (as only a San Francisco dermatologist can) if I ever get in another tanning bed.

    I'm trying to adapt to Nicole Kidman-like translucence but it kinda sucks. In fact Nicole Kidman sucks too.


  11. Whatever you do, ensure you tan evenly.
    There is nothing worse than a being more tanned on your back than your front because you swim in an outdoor pool every day (oh wait... that's me) or being darker on your right side than your left because you forgot to wear sunscreen at marching band so the side of your body which wasn't covered by your sousaphone got takked, while the rest of you stayed the same colour (oh wait... that's me again).

    Wear sunblock! It was invented for palies like us!

  12. In highschool my friend Karen and I were on the beach at Cape Cod, by the time we left all the boys had dubbed us 'The Powder Twins' I don't know if you've seen the movie Powder, but this was NOT an esteem booster.
    Also our birthdays are 3/25/80 and 6/25/80 - TB we need to get Scully and Mulder on this shit.

  13. I do not tan. Ever. I go from white to bright pink and back to white again. I spent a week in Samoa, two in Thailand and I STILL didn't tan. Damn my scottish blood.

  14. I say cut the sleeves off the sweater, make the harem pants into a cute, flouncy skirt and wear sandals. To hell with the laundry while you still have options!

  15. I feel your pain. I am deathly pale and burn easily. And I lived in Florida most of my life, so sneers about it were easy to come by. I hope you have a lovely time in the Dominican Republic! :)

  16. I agree with Vanessa on the clothes and as far as tanning.....just sleep all day and party at night so that way you don't have to worry about the burn and you can get a spray tan to make you look like you are a sun baby

  17. Una- your dress is purdy. Also, your sister looks like she's spittin' some phat rhymes.

    embrace your whiteness (i'm sure you do already) cause melanomas are super sucky. hope you have lots of fun & don't get the shits.

  18. Totally agree with the other comments, you need little to no clean clothes on a trip like this. By the time you get back you won't even remember what you were wearing.

    BTW, if you're going to an all-inclusive hotel, bring/buy a big insulated mug for them to fill up with yummy alcohol. Those tiny cups they give out will not satisfy your thirst quick enough and the bartenders are usually more than happy to use your gigantic mug because that means they won't see you as often. Win win!

  19. At the risk of repeating what everyone else has said, I DO feel your pain. The first time I met my boyfriend's mom, she asked me if I was anemic. Of course, she has skin like cured leather. Sunblock FTW!

  20. I have an older sister and we are both natural redheads. She is 11 years older than me and I see what the sun has done to her chest area. There are wrinkles and canyons decorated with speckles of mouse droppings all over. I am so caking on the bullfrog this summer and forever after that.

  21. Ew you mention that show full of idiots. I definitely could stand to never learn anything from them haha. :P

  22. Jennifer7:17 PM

    I get the ebony and ivory thing to!!! My mother once framed a copied photo of my sister and I because our skin colours didn't look so different. I glowed in the original ... it just looked akward.
    My sister tells me I should tan, but I refuse. In ten years when she looks older than me, she'll be sorry.

  23. Got to warn you about the tanning thing. Don't try tanning when you get older. I spent time in the southern California sun and my neck looks like a plucked chicken. You've got a few years yet, so enjoy it while you can.


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