Monday, March 22, 2010

Scenes From a Marriage: It Puts The Lotion On Its Skin

Sunday night. An attempt at self-beautification, as usual, goes somewhat awry.

Me: (knocking on the door to Jeff's "man cave") Hey, just FYI I'm wearing a moisturizing face mask that makes me look like Hannibal Lecter.
Jeff: Lemme see.
Me:
I totally skinned Powder's face off to get past security guards at the asylum.

Jeff: Oh my God, that is creepy.
Me: It's La Mer.
Jeff: La what?
Me: Claaaaaarissssssse...

Moments later, I am reading and letting the mask sink in. Jeff rushes past me. I hear what sounds like a zipper being unzipped.

Me: Are you packing a suitcase? Are you leaving me? Is it the mask?

Jeff wordlessly enters the bathroom, and I hear the sound of his beard trimmer.

Me: Are you shaving your head? Are you joining a monastery? I'll take it off.

Jeff emerges, having trimmed shaved off all but his mustache.

Jeff: I'm gay!
Me: Fair enough.

Yeah, I was topless. Which makes it that much sexier.

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47 comments :

  1. You two are nuts!!! In a good, loving, "I get you" marriage sort of way. Masks will be off limits if you guys ever have youngins' around - can you say psycho trauma?

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  2. You two need your own reality show.....I'd pay to watch that!

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  3. I love that you guys enjoy life's simple pleasures. Like dual goofiness. I once stopped a family argument by leaving the room and re-entering with a full on Batman mask. Laughter really is the best medicine.

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  5. that leaves me scared and yet satisfied that I'm not the only crazy ass person in the world.

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  6. You two are very special people. x

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  7. When you mentioned the zipper sound, I was sure that Jeff was going to do his best impression of Buffalo Bill's mangina, to continue the Silence of the Lambs theme.

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  8. OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!
    oh my gosh when I saw this picture on my dashboard, I knew it had to be from your blog.. and I hope you take that in the best sense possible because I mean it well!
    and I agree with the above comment, you definitely need your own reality show. how do we make this happen?

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  9. utter madness :-)

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  10. hahahahah I can only hope my marriage will be the same.

    p.s. these damn comment moderation words just keep getting longer and more nonsensical!

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  11. What big EYES you have, Ua! I would kill to have those long sassy eyelashes. And a man who will go gay for you? Just to coordinate with your La Mer masque? You can't find that on match.com.

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  12. Your balls to the wall comedic abandon is admirable.

    Ah... people without boundaries, we make the world go 'round.

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  13. Nice porn 'stache. I hope you had some Chianti and fava beans post-mask. :)

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  14. On Google Reader is lets me click "like". Well screw that ... where's the LOVE button???

    I don't even know how we survived in this world before Silence of the Lambs! Poor ol' Billy Boy - and really, poor Precious. That fat girl tricked the poor dog into falling down into such a dirty well. Sad.

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  15. This is amazing. Things like this just make me want to get married even more. I love being able to be funny and random with my boyfriend. thats the best part of the relationship. Being yourself

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  16. pssst:
    it's not "when I am not trying to reign [like a queen] myself in from tangents..."
    it's "when I am not trying to rein [like a rider on a horse] myself in..."

    -- previously a would be writer... hee

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  17. lol i still don't know why Jeff shaved off his facial hair..

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  18. Ok I'm scared now ;p

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  19. hahaha oh my gosh, you are the cutest couple ever. gettin' even like that. so great.

    p.s. did the mask work?

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  20. Love it.
    On a side note, maybe you should consider a kabuki makeup style - that all white makes your eyes look HUGE and very green.

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  21. Hahahahahahaha! I love it! And I'm jealous of the la mer.

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  22. Jeff is the man

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  23. you guys are hilarious!

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  24. Hahahaha! That's awesome! My boyfriend does that all the time when he's shaving!

    I call him Mario, but he refuses to call me Princess Peach. Prob because he's seen me in one of those masks before. I don't think the Princess needed to deep cleanse her pores...

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  25. ... and have the lambs stopped crying, clareeece???

    don't know what's funnier - the porn stache or you as hannibal lecter. you two are a match made in heaven :)

    www.chaoticalm.blogspot.com

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  26. Hi everybody! I've been slacking on comments again. Thank you for not being totally freaked out by this.

    Oh, and the La Mer mask was a freebie. It made my skin super moist. But mostly it was awesome for the creepy Lecter effect...

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  27. I second the comment about wearing the mask around kids... it always freaks my kids out....but keeps everyone out of my space and not saying "feed me, mommy!" :)

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  28. Oh, also, @Lucky Punk: Enlarge the first photo to see how bloodshot my eyes are. You are right, though--the topless no-eyebrow kabuki look is something I should consider...

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  29. this is the cutest married couple... anything i've ever seen!
    and if it makes you feel less (dorky? silly? whatever) my husband & i do goofy things like that too (but im not clever enough to blog about them). :)

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  30. Dude.....your husband's gay!

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  31. Aw . . . Cute. But, as a purely academic exercise, doesn't the mask damage the eyebrows?

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  32. It's great to see a couple that has so much fun together. :)

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  33. You and Jeff are two peas in a helluva funny pod. Thanks for the laughs - I'm gonna go get me a little dose of Lecter now (what better way to spend a sick day than to watch the Hannibal series?).

    P.S. WTF? Is "astrizat" even a word?

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  34. Haha. One day that picture will be worth 5 Mil.

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  35. My first laugh of the day, Thank you!

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  36. That's got to be about the funniest thing I've ever heard...ha! You two really were made for each other.

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  37. Disturbed Sister-in-law2:56 PM

    This reminds me of Christmas. Why, you ask?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDgS6qLsVM4

    Thankssss Jeff.

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  38. I just need to say, I hope the bf and I have as much fun when we're married. You're amazing.

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  39. I mentioned once to my husband that most women liked the construction worker/carpenter look. So.....he came downstairs in a tool belt and not much else. You have to understand that he was 60 at the time. He looks pretty good for his age, but I laughed so hard, well he didn't get the results he wanted.

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  40. ROFLMAO! Hysterical! Thanks!

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  41. Heh. I though Biore had come up with a full face mask!

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  42. What a strange-looking mask -- looks more like medical tape than facial beautification stuff.

    You do have beautiful eyes. Truly.

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  43. This whole post, with the photos, has me cracking up at my desk. Which means I can't sip my coffee or I'll choke on it.

    Awesome.

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  44. You two are great. A marriage without laughter is sad indeed. My husband has man cave too! I thought he was the only one. He likes to take my nine year old down there and listen to some classics, like Kiss and Molly Hatchett, while playing the XBox, burning records to the computer, or making things out of gourds.

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