Monday, March 1, 2010

Pie Chart of Shame

I know, I know, two posts in one day. You are all so sick of my Twitter and Facebook status updates. You are like, "Why you all up in my grill, LaMarche?" Or, at least, that's what I like to think you're yelling at your computer screen. I can't explain why. I think it's because my most favorite saying ever is "Did I invite you to my barbecue? THEN WHY YOU ALL UP IN MY GRILL?" Ahahahahaha. I'm sorry. I will simmer.

But for real, I'm doing this post mainly because Jeff loves it when I make charts. He thinks they're funny. So this one's for you, baby.

This puts Sunday's post in perspective. It could have been SO much worse, you guys. I could have blogged about Ryan Seacrest pooping while giving birth to a dog in a Santa suit, or Olympic ice skaters miming a cuckold fetish video while falling down and peeing on themselves, or George W. Bush eating an entire tub of cream cheese (actually, that would totally make me like him more).

Also, while I'm on the subject of shame, you should check out Shame Lane. It's a really well-written, interesting, honest and somewhat twisted look at its author's sexuality. It also makes me feel less bad about blogging about pubes. Everyone wins!!


  1. You must have a lot of free time at work. I'm just sayin'.

  2. Actually no, I'm super busy, which is why I write blogs at home and post later or sometimes work on blogs literally while I eat lunch. Don't be jealous just because I am super prolific and awesome, TB ;)

  3. I peed myself in the third grade too. Never told anyone until now.

    I love that Ryan Seacrest embarrasses you! (He IS an embarrassment; that is one dude who gets paid way too much to do what he does, you know?)

    And mimes? I'm laughing, that's awesome!

    This pie graph makes me wonder what things just missed the list...


  4. "Did i invite you to my barbecue? then why you all up in my grill?!"

    never cease to crack me up! ha!

  5. and i totally peed myself in 1st grade.... not 3rd, although i felt a lot older. i was wearing white, buttonfly levis, with an adult sized medium, new kids on the block, christmas concert t-shirt. i untucked my shirt and wore it like a nightgown hoping no one would notice i peed in my white jeans....

  6. Damn. Now I just feel like an UNDER achiever. Thanks for that.

  7. I bring kool-aid to all bbq's.....I tell my kids to stay out if they don't know the flava of my bizness

    I too wonder was under the radar on this chart....maybe you should break it down a bit

  8. I have an unhealthy obsession with Ryan Seacrest, so I wonder why he's so embarassing.

    The whole "up in my grill" needs to be on a t-shirt.

  9. i left a trail of tinkle behind me while running to the bathroom in kindergarten.

    i threw up alot in class in third grade.

    school makes me sick.

    figuratively as well as literally.

  10. @DangGina: This is the pissing yourself forum, girl. Let it out (I mean your feelings, not pee. That came out wrong.) Many things did not make this list. I can totally do a larger pie chart!

    @Ashley: I sadly did not invent that saying. Also, your outfit sounds awesome and I totally support your attempts at hiding your "accident." Do you still have that shirt? It sounds amazing.

    @TB: No, no, honestly it's just the more readers I get the more pressure I feel to post as often as humanly possible. I'm convinced somehow that quantity will catapult me to greatness.

    @Alison: I love your Kool-Aid saying. We should all have a barbecue and speak only in veiled threats involving barbecue themes.

    @Nikki: I actually kind of love him, too, it's just that he's so schticky, you know? He's like an overly ambitious Ken doll who speaks only in terrible puns. I'm more embarrassed FOR him than embarrassed OF him. And when I start my store I will totally make those tee shirts.

  11. I peed all over the nurse while pushing with my first child, and it was old school water fountain type pissing. Hell, yeah.

    I'm going to start saying "Why you all up in my grill, LaMarche?" when I'm frustrated, because in my world it will be random and unsettling. Example:
    First grade daughter asks for string cheese, and I jump up and say, "Why you all up in my grill, LaMarche?" and then she turns and runs away. So thanks.

  12. I awarded you today! Go see!

  13. um Mimes are absolutely horrifying. we were in New Orleans once.. I swear that's where mimes breed.. and one chased my mom. like hardcore chasing her down the street, up stairs.. it was like he could sense her fear. SO CREEPY.

  14. I say that grill thing all the time. no joke. & the "you all up in my kool aid & don't even know the flava." I strive to be as pseudo ghetto as possible.

    I refused to shit in front of everyone while giving birth. I got up in between serious contractions to go to the bathroom. Bad idea. I'll spare you the embarrassing details.

    do you eat cream cheese plain straight outta da tub with a spoon??

  15. Thank you so very much.

  16. Anonymous10:41 PM

    Think I can't like you anymore if the president embarrasses long!

  17. Anonymous10:50 PM

    OOoooopppppsssss! Sorry, I take that back about not liking you. I'm very sensitive about Obama. I didn't see the dates about the embarrassment over the president! Will you forgive me?

  18. So you had to bring up the pooping while having babies thing. Just you wait until it happens to you.

  19. @j.l.n. Sorry I missed you before. Our comments must have crossed paths. I love your word choice. "Trail of Tinkle." Like the Trail of Tears but obviously way funnier.

    @Julie: Yeah, I fully anticipate a childbirth full of unfortunate body fluids. The reason I'm even bringing up pooping while birthing is so that JEFF ACCEPTS THAT IT WILL HAPPEN and will stop laughing by the time it happens to me. I am not pregnant, just thinking ahead.

    Also I love that you will invoke my name to scare off children.

    @Momma Fargo: Aw, thanks! Will do!

    @Ashley: THAT IS SO SCARY. The only thing scarier would be if mimes and Mardi Gras girls gone wild combined. It would be like topless drunk zombies following you everywhere.

    @Robin: I think I love you. I'll ask you for details when I get knocked up. And I always have crackers with the cream cheese at first, until I realize they are just a means of delivery. Then I just go for it with a spoon.

    @Shamey: You are so very welcome.

    @Anonymous: Haha. I saw your first comment on my BlackBerry and it made me start thinking that there are probably a lot (or at least some) Republicans and/or Bush-lovers who read this blog, who might not know I'm such a socialist Muslim. I was going to post a reply like, "Aw, that's too bad, thanks for reading," and then do a post sometime this week being up front and admitting my lefty leanings and Godlessness and letting people bow out before they got too attached.

    Then I saw your second comment and breathed a sigh of relief. Negative comments, even nice ones, make me kind of queasy.

    But I'm sure there ARE some people who would stop reading knowing I don't like Dubya. I just hope they can appreciate that my politics don't have much to do with my sense of humor.

    @Mrs. L: As I said to Julie, I am bringing it up mostly because I learned it recently and I'm expecting to have a kid sometime relatively soon (like, in the next couple years) and I need my husband to be able to deal. That alone may take years, so I'm starting now. :)

  20. Ahahaha. THank you for this post and that link. I feel so much better about... myself! =)

  21. I Love a good pie chart - your posts never fail to make me laugh :) Sadly i have not one but multiple peeing myself stories... Year One on my seat just before lunch, Year Three walking home with my brother decked out in possibly the coolest cutoff denim overalls ever and once when the bathroom was occupied and we had guests (negating the option of quietly sneaking outside to the garden) - it was only a little and sounds fairly tame but i was twenty and had to then explain why i found it necessary to change in the middle of dinner... good times...

  22. Hello! I've actually seen women poop while giving birth. It's gross but I've sort of gotten used to it (I think that's even grosser. haha!)

  23. I gotta say, I'm reading this fairly early in the morning, everyone else is asleep and I'm laughing out loud
    (Seriously I REALLY am!). You made me wake up the whole damn house! LOL!!!!! Ahhh, but well worth it! Brilliant!!!! (particularly like the peeing myself and ice skater portions, LOL, I can relate!)

  24. You just haaaad to go and make me wiki "Cuckolding fetish" didn't you? Well thanks for that. WE ARE IN A FIGHT.

  25. OMG some women poop during childbirth?? How did I not know this? And really, why didn't I ever think that clearly that makes sense?

    Great - something else to worry about now if I ever happen to get knocked up.


  26. I'm with Julie, the Wife: I am totally going to start saying "Why you all up in my grill, LaMarche?" when I'm frustrated. Because that's exactly what we need here: a 40-something ghetto queen government worker.

    I'm pre-rdering one of those shirts, too!

    You're awesome. That's all I have to say. Thanks for making my day, every day! :)

  27. my pie graph would consist of my uncle-in-law (dammit i'll use that term) lamenting personal items he learned about me from my facebook... during a speech at my wedding... why did we make him mc again? (actually aside from social embarrassment at a level red scale, he was awesome!)
    Now 200 of my in laws and out laws know all my crazy shinanigans, that i thought i hid so, so well. I'll never fool 'em blue bloods again.
    On another note, i have a hard time watching gag movies and shows like the office or something where its sooo painful for the character you muuuuust change the channel or feel tortured inside!

  28. In browsing for new blogs to follow I stumbled across yours and I was reminded I never met a "sassy" I didn't like. Glad I stopped by. I have an unhealthy, pregnancy enduced addiction to cream cheese AND Ryan Seacrest. It is pie chart that binds us.

  29. I loved this post of yours. I had absolutely NO idea that some women poop during labor! I guess you learn something new everyday. How gross...


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