Monday, March 29, 2010

A Passage From The Project Runway Haggadah

So I'm not sure you guys all know this, but I'm Jew-ish. Not Jewish, but Jew-ish, like, kind of. Going by my ancestors I think I'm 1/4 Jew, 1/2 lapsed Catholic, and 1/4 some kind of noncommittal white trashy Protestant. My mother is only half Jewish by blood (and not even officially, because the bloodline was passed through her dad, which  doesn't count to conservative Jews) but has morphed over the years into a full-fledged Jewish mother. Every year she throws "The Seder for the Marginally Jewish," in which religious half-breeds of all ages come together to get bombed on non-kosher wine and skip over the Hebrew parts of the Womanist Haggadah because no one knows how to pronounce anything and besides, we're already drunk. It's super fun. The prophet Elijah doesn't usually show up, but sometimes we'll get a stray cat.

Anyway, last Thursday after watching Project Runway I made some off-the-cuff comment to my friends that I should write a Project Runway Haggadah in honor of Passover, and promised as much on my recap for The Huffington Post. Now, of course, I am kicking myself, because not only is this an overwhelming undertaking that I don't have the Sunday night attention span for, but it also has the potential to offend an entire people. So here is my cop-out; I hope you enjoy. Happy Pesach!

The Make It Work Mah Nishtana (The Four Questions)

What makes this season different from all [other] seasons?


1) Why in all other seasons do we not show the HP netbook even once, but in this season we do every fucking episode?

2) Why in all other seasons does Tim Gunn seem like he truly cares, while in this season he shows up looking either half in the bag or ready to cut a bitch and even wore jeans once? JEANS?!

3) Why in all other seasons is Heidi pregnant, but in this season... wait, nevermind.

4) Why in all other seasons do we watch sitting upright or reclining, but this season we DVR because there is usually a really good CSI rerun on?

Up next... the ANTM bible! Just kidding, I'm done with reality theology. Please excuse me while I go feed my gefilte fish.
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16 comments :

  1. Happy Passover. I'm throwing a drunken Jew-ish seder tonight! Today I started a blog partially inspired by your greatest. It would be amazing if you could visit it.http://badassbrittany.blogspot.com/
    Thanks!
    Brittany

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  2. I love your wit. What a fun read. I'll take my smile with me and use it all day when I think of your post.

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  3. HP notebook. My one is HP notebook

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  4. Ellen2:52 PM

    This is too wonderful. I'll make some latkes and buy some Mogen David wine, and maybe we can read these questions tonight. Next year in Jerusalem! Wouldn't that be awesome?

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  5. Love it!I think that this is the haggadah we will be using this year!

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  6. you are a legend! hail the Sassy curmudgeon. x

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  7. I've learned more about Passover by reading blogger pals' recent posts than I learned in twelve years of catholic school. All I can say is, it sounds like my kind of holiday.

    BTW, are gefilte fish as unappealing as pets as they are as food?

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  9. I Tivo since I cannot stand the commercials for Lifetime Original Movies. Hearing about titles such as "So He Beat Her" tend to kill my Tim Gunn buzz.

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  10. Lol, the show isn't the same once it made the jump to the other network. Ah, memories of the olden days.

    Tiffany
    http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com

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  11. I've always DVR'd Runway, but used to watch later the same night (after my hubby fell asleep on the couch which is a regular occurrence that I document here). Now, it could be up to 2 weeks before I watch it. I don't know what's up with this season.

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  12. Your seder sounds remarkably similar to our first night seder.
    We were the only Jews there, and the only people who ended up getting drunk were the kids because we'd forgotten to get grape juice. Oops.

    Then yesterday (second night) one fo my primary school Hebrew teachers (whose kids I babysit) came over and the entire seder was conducted in Hebrew. That was stressful and scary.

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  13. Anonymous6:05 PM

    Interesting Take On Life, i like it

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  14. My family is the most jewish and non-jewish family at the same time. While my bloodline is 100% jewish as far as I can count, and I was actually born and raised in Israel, my entire family is Atheist, and never has any holiday dinners, unless they're invited by someone else...

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