Thursday, March 11, 2010

Introducing: Hot Probs!

I have Heathers on the brain today. This led to a Tourette’s-like exchange of quotes with friends on Facebook: “I love my dead gay son!”... “You are such a pillowcase.” ... “Heather my love, there’s a new Sheriff in town.”

And then I was all, “Shut up, Hot Probs is on!” And my inner monologue was like, Shut up! Hot Probs should totally be a show! “Show” then immediately morphed into “blog column,” because you do not want me to produce this using the video function on my camera. You really don’t. (Hmmm, unless I get Tom, Chuck, and Burt to co-host. Then maybe.)

So anyway, please feel free to send me your Hot Probs. Once I get enough I’ll post an answer blog. Think of it as Ask Your Drunk Aunt Sassy.  No question is too trivial.

Here are some sample Probs sent in from complete strangers who are totally not just me wearing a Groucho Marx nose:

“Dear Sassy,
Which is more expensive: electrolysis treatments for a six year-old or the therapy bills later on?
Sincerely,
Una Brow”

“Dear Sassy,
I just licked yogurt off of my cell phone, which I then realized fell on the subway platform yesterday. Can I get the syph?
Love,
Fruit on the Bottom”

Dear Sassy,
Someone pooped in the office bathroom and didn’t flush. Who did it?
Thanks,
Encylopedia Brown (get it?)”

I can answer your prob in rhyme if you like, but probably not in sign language... unless your question is “What are the lyrics to Thre Dog Night’s ‘Joy to the World’?” Then maybe I can.
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26 comments :

  1. Greetings from Malaysia! :]

    Been following your blog for quite sometime now. Always light up my day. Drunk sassy? hmmm...no wonder you're so so funny..

    Love your blog so much:)A superfan from Malaysia who left a message to IW(Inflammatory Writ) to send regards to you, if she ever meets you. Wonder what would you say to a fan who have just 'sharted' reading your funny-as-hell post?

    cheers

    ReplyDelete
  2. Is it wrong to adopt a child that you have fostered just to drive them as crazy they have made you over the past few years?

    The Looney Mommy

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  3. Dear Sassy,

    The Man In The Yellow Hat stole the Caramilk secret from right my nose. When I try to confront him, he either flat out ignores me or pulls a hissy fit. Now I don't want the Caramilk secret back, I just want to know why he did it. When he won't talk to me, do I have a chance at ever finding out why? Is there a way I can get him to talk to me about it?

    Sinsneerly,

    Gruntilda

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Sassy,

    I want to be rich, but not famous. My problem is that I don't want to have a boss or go to a job or really work at all. I have a blog, a hubby, and a kid, but I'm not sure how to parlay these things into a life of leisure. Please help!

    Signed,

    TB

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  5. Glad I'm hot prob free! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  6. "Dear Sassy,
    This post is so very.
    This may seem like a really stupid question... you inherit 5 million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow it up in 2 days. What do you do?
    Thanks in advance,
    -Patronized Bunny Rabbit-"

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dear Drunk Auntie Sassy;

    I have (as yourself) been passed along the "One Lovely Blog Award" and according to Ashley King we are all so totally making it big now.

    Is it proper etiquette to throw myself a reception, get drunk at said reception and make a Courtney Love-esque speech?
    All this done in my living room, alone with my bottle of wine in my skivvies, of course.

    Thanks,
    The Drunk Mommy Diary.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I just want to applaud you for referencing Encyclopedia Brown. I've tried and failed to do this effectively so many times, and you have succeeded with flying colors.

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  9. Ohhhhhhhhh! Iriexcellent for the win!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dearest Sassafras,

    Should I invest in a pair of boobs (like a certain high school friend of mine) and troll for a sugar daddy?

    It seems like the next logical step. Advise me, great one.
    Bless me with that ill knowledge.

    ReplyDelete
  11. @zachary: Wow, I made a Malaysian shart? New high.

    Everyone else: Kudos. Slow clap. I am so excited. I can do my first Hot Probs answer session practically right away!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Damn you, Sassy! Now Heathers quotes are flying through my brain, too! I think this totally warrants a screening. How scary is it that Heathers was my absolute favorite movie as a 9-year-old? I had NO idea what "F*** me gently with a chainsaw,Veronica!" meant, but I knew I loved it! Hmm... Mom really should've been home more...

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  13. Dear Drunken Sot Auntie Sassy:

    If dreams are really our subconscience speaking to us, then what was I trying to tell myself about peanut butter and flying monkeys that I didn't already know?

    Thanksomuch,

    Wizard of Jiffy

    ReplyDelete
  14. Darnit. Now it is 7:30 and you probably have three million hot probs and will never get to mine. So how can I get my question to the front of the list? Is there a techie, sneaky trick? My question wants to cut the line.

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  15. @ TB: you're beautiful

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  16. What's your damage, Sassy?? I gotta tell ya even as a guy, Heathers is one of the greatest movies ever. Wore out the VHS and then watched it another 20 times on DVD. Pate dear?

    It comes in second to my all time favorite movie...Where The Buffalo Roam, with Bill Murray. If you haven't seen do yourself a favor.

    Hot Probs is a great idea. Go for it! Shit, I just started singing Teenage Suicide by Big Fun! Now I'll never get to sleep.

    ReplyDelete
  17. YES! Because my question certainly must have cut the line given the hour between my post and Wizard of Jiffy's post. Me: So happy. Everybody else who posted between 6:30 and 7:25. So sorry. A little. Thank you, Sassy. I mean Sweety.

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  18. Dear Sassy,

    I think perhaps I would like to be you when I grow up. What would be the best way of going about making that happen?

    Sincerely,
    Wanna B. Sassy

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  19. Dear Sassy,

    I've noticed that my ex's kids are alarmingly ugly. This makes me more than a little happy. I want to point and laugh. Am I going straight to hell for this? Because if I am, I may as well make it worth my while and let him know just how ugly I think they are.

    Hellbound

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  20. Dear Sassaligious (or Sassamafrass, your call) -

    I've been blogging for a couple months now, but I still only have a couple of followers. What should I do to drive up readership to my blog? I've tried to reach out to other bloggers etc, but no avail.

    No really, my true question is: How much personal nudity is too much personal nudity? Will it alienate my conservative audience? Should I try to keep it classy or what?

    <3

    Softy

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  21. Anonymous1:06 PM

    Dear Sassy,

    I am a new reader but quickly fell in love with your blog. I am especially inspired by your brows! Being a fellow uni-brow sufferer, I was the constant butt of jokes in junior high. Since then I have learned the fine art of plucking, but I am so very tired of doing it. Would it be unacceptable to shave my brows off and draw them on chola style? Or perhaps wear eyebrow wigs? Please advise!

    Sincerely,

    All Plucked Out

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  22. Okay I have no wit this morning but as usual you've sucked me into your post's damn you and your wit *shakes fist* , all jokes aside Thanks for making me laugh so much.

    Dear Sassy,
    I have this new dog that craps everywhere and rams himself into things... please tell me to get a cat. what should I do?

    ReplyDelete
  23. I wanna be like Una. Next, please design a sneaker so I can further this dream.

    Many thanks,

    Allison

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  24. I want to give proper thought to answering your Hot Probs, so I'll post an answer blog tomorrow.

    Now for MY Hot Prob: What the fuck to blog about today?

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  25. This is such a wonderful blog!

    ReplyDelete
  26. What on earth is a "Hot Prob"? I googled it, and got nothing! I've seen examples of 'Hot Probs' on this page but I still don't think I understand. Can anyone explain it to me?

    ReplyDelete

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