Monday, March 15, 2010

I Can't Take Me Anywhere, Part Infinity

I was at a swanky soiree tonight. Everyone was wearing cocktail dresses and I was in a turtleneck and pants that hadn't seen a dry cleaner in years. I wasn't really paying attention to the dress code.

Also, I had my giant-ass bag, which is really an overnight bag that I carry like a regular purse. I like it because I can stick novels, umbrellas, sandwiches, and shoes in it, but you know what it's not good for? Dancing. It is, like, impossible to do the Roger Rabbit with an albatross like that yoked to your shoulder. It swings like Poe's pendulum, full of half-eaten Subway $5 footlong, threatening to knock over the skinny, non-turtlenecked, well-dressed people who thought ahead to bring those chic, tiny clutches that can only fit a junior tampon, a Xanax, and a few folded bills.

Me, only less well-dressed and carrying 10 pounds of tuna, sneakers, and Mary Karr.

I like to think that if I had dressed up and brought the kind of purse you can only see under a microscope, things would have been different. But I think we all know that's not true.

Sigh.
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32 comments :

  1. Thanks for making me laugh 'til I cried tonight. I needed that!

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  2. Another day, another crazy adventure for you

    Say, did you see the pic I sent to your FB page, with the glass head full of "stuff?"

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  3. Doesn't it suck that women have to dance with their purses? The options are:

    1. Bring a purse and dance with it.

    2. Make your husband/boyfriend carry all your important stuff in his pockets.

    3. Leave everything at home or in the car, so that you can't touch up your makeup or tip anyone when the time comes.

    or

    4. Put your essentials in your shoe. Or bra. Or underwear. None of which do I recommend.

    Being a woman sucks.

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  4. Teehee.

    I had an insanely social weekend; a bridal shower, hen's night and baby shower, all in two days. And of course I was my usual, socially awkward self. Two days after the fact, I'm still cringing at some of my worse faux pas', but this post made me feel much better.

    Thank you, Sassy!

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  5. I'm sure that purse looks great with your file cabinet backpack though.

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  6. I'm one of those lurkers who reads your blog everyday but has never commented... until now.

    The way you described yourself at this party was me, 3 months ago. Substitute turtle neck and pants for PLAID SHIRT AND BROWN LEGGINGS (sigh, why do I own brown leggings?). I had my huge bag. Everyone else was in cocktail dresses with clutches. Oh yeah, Emma Watson (of Harry Potter fame) was there. I danced the night away in said outfit, and made enough of a fool of myself to warrant Emma Watson introducing HERSELF to ME.

    I guess plaid among a sea of cocktail dresses can sometimes work out?

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  7. OMG, your blog makes me laugh! Thank you.

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  8. I never understood how people could carry such small purses.. I mean you can probably find anything in mine..

    sec let me see what the strangest things is in my purse *shuffle* haha a box of nerds and a small bottle of pear scented bubble bath.

    once again Sassy Thanks for the laugh.

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  9. I carry overly sized bags too that contain practically all my prized possessions. Sometimes I'll put shoes in there just in case I want to change my current ones I have on which I never do and end up just carrying shoes around all day. Haha

    And the Elaine dance has to be one of my favorite things about Seinfeld!

    Thanks for the post!

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  10. HAHAHAHAHAHA omg i LOVE this! This made me smile deep down inside. I have seen those type of ladies out and about, and eventually they turn into mothers who use carry-on bags as diaper bags. They have the assortment of spit-up rags to ham and cheese Lunchables (in the event someone else's child should be hungry..).
    Thanks for the great posts! I'd LOVE to hear your take on even more upcoming popular events. Your Oscars post had me rollin

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  11. At least we don't have to sit on those George Constanza-like wallets that make men look like they have a third ass cheek.

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  12. You just aren't very cool, well at least you are funny.

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  13. I'm sure you had more fun than anyone else stuffed into their panty hose and high heels. I would've taken leftovers home in that bag of yours though!

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  14. looked fab, good old fashioned knees up, lol. xx

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  15. You are hysterical! I carry one of those bags too. My friend calls it my homeless person bag.

    You've been tagged on my blog today : )

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  16. HAH! We don't get paid for dancing, and getting dressed up to do so.

    Swing your bag like there's no tomorrow.

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  17. Ah, thank you! You are my people. =)

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  18. I too carry a bag equal to half my height and weight. I too take it dancing with me. However, I find that my bag is more of a dancing-benefit than a dancing-burden because if I, for some inexplicable reason, can’t find a dance partner (can you imagine?!), I just wrap my arms around my bag and call it, “Joey”. It works wonderfully, as the girth of my bag is about that of a man’s torso. It’s my experience that people do not find this off-putting, do not stare at me with horrified disdain, and do not try to move away from me on the dance floor. No, I would say the public approves of my relationship with Joey.

    Sassy, I just joined Blogger and found your blog. I love, love, love it. Makes me happy. Thanks for sharing your funny!

    Ms. Normal out.

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  19. Do ya really need all that stuff? :P

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  20. Subway still has the $5 footlong deal going on? Or is that US thing because here in Toronto they took the signs down (bummer!). Anyhoo, I can't believe anyone cares anymore about these little dress code things...I see so many people breaking the rules left right and center that it's a miracle that anyone follows them in the first place.

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  21. You just didn't think it through enough.

    Had you thought to wear MC Hammer style trousers, you could have easily concealed your purse within them and still been able to dance some quality moves.

    I'm happy to help anytime, should you need any more fashion advice.

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  22. to hell with a cocktail dress...be comfy and tell one of the stuffies to hold the giant bag with you bust a move

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  23. I'd like to add an addendum to TB's list:

    5. Bring a purse so large that it opens into its own private dancefloor for you and all your friends. Shun outsiders...with tassles! I hear Marc Jacob's makes a killer one with velvet rope seams.

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  24. Okay I have a huge purse too and sometimes when I start pulling stuff out people just stare. I have a golf ball in there. Why you ask? Why not? I don't even play golf. I have no freakin' clue why! It's just in there.

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  25. I am the annoying woman who brings my lipstick, i.d., money, and the super tampons and makes my girlfriend with the big purse stash it for me.

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  26. YES- women always put as much into their purse as is physically possible. I think this goes back to the hunter/gatherer days of our ancestors.

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  27. I love you all. That is all.

    I am apparently shitty at responding to comments again. SO sorry; I had a loooong day.

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  28. I don't need a big-ass bag to look like a moron dancing; I dance like Elaine Benes all on my own when I feel the rhythm (the thumbs even come up of their own accord). Good thing I NEVER feel the rhythm in public...

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  29. I love this blog so much. So much.

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  30. LOL, that's why I have retired the big giant bag. I kept finding weird things in it like screws amd pieces and paper that didn't belong to me.

    Tiffany
    http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com

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  31. Magali2:35 PM

    I recently started reading your blog and I must admit you are indeed sassy. Social events can be difficult because you never know what to wear and worst of all is the hassle of a purse. You either bring it or you don't. If you don't bring it where are you supposed to place your essentials? And if you do bring it you have to carry it around all the time. Either way you never end up winning. The price of being a woman.

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