Sunday, March 28, 2010

Hot Tub Unibrow Time Machine

I went last night with Jeff and my sister to see Hot Tub Time Machine. Ever since I saw the promos, featuring John Cusack in a movie about traveling back to the 80s via hot tub, I knew that much like Wayne's coveted '64 Fender Stratocaster, tickets to this movie WOULD BE MINE.

It lived up to its title in pretty much every way: It was campy and fun, but it didn't try too hard to be awesome because it knew you went to see it just because of the premise and the title (um... which are the same), so it wasn't especially awesome. But it was good. Solidly entertaining.

Afterwards, naturally, came a discussion of what we would do if transported back in time via hot tub or DeLorean or what have you:

ME: The only thing I would really want to change is in 7th grade when all the mean girls ganged up on me. Instead of slinking off and crying I would tell them to go fuck themselves. Oh! But before I did that I would run to the bathroom and pluck my unibrow.

ZOE: No, you can't do that. You'd be a completely different person.

ME: But there were plenty of things wrong with me apart from the unibrow! I wouldn't wear better clothes, or go get Accutane.

ZOE: Still, you couldn't get rid of the unibrow. It might change something. You could end up a stuck-up bitch.

ME: It's not like I'd suddenly be cool, I'd just look less like Peter Gallagher with a retainer.

ZOE: No.

(Whatever, Zoe, from here on out I'm carrying Tweezers with me every time I use a hot tub, just in case.)


  1. I'm with you on the brow-fixing! Or I'd tell my little self to get glasses that weren't massive ugly cokebottles. Or Accutane. Most def.

    Man, I was a dorky child. Guess I still am.

  2. Anonymous11:42 AM

    Zoe is a good friend and obviously a deep thinker. Of course, I can see your point, too. If it was me, I'd wash my hair more and carry tissues so that I didn't blow snot all over my lunch and freak people out (file that under most embarrassing moment ever. In seventh grade, at least)

  3. Can't wait to see it, looks fun!

  4. I think I may have to side with Jeff on this one. Although it would have been nice not to have had the unibrown through your formative years, it probably did help to shape your personality. What if the unibrow was the source of all your powers of awesomeness?

    In fact, I don't think you should tell those girls to fuck off, either. You never know what could have set the wheels in motion for you to become a bag lady. Didn't Marty McFly's act of saving his father from being run over by his grandfather teach you anything?

  5. "Peter Gallagher with a retainer."

    Fantastic mental image right there....

    And I got to see an advance screening a couple weeks ago of the movie (I'm still kicking myself for not blogging about it - instant cred!), but I agree. It was kind of a Hangover-lite, but as long as you forgot logic and just sat back to enjoy it, it was pretty hilarious.

    Party on Wayne.

  6. Coversation is like skit of a drama. It is kind of new idea.
    Take care

  7. I was so confused when the conersation with you and Zoe started. For a fraction of a second I thought it was me, but then I steped back into reality. Haha.

  8. You are so wickedly clever. If I could go back it would be to junior high, of course. I'd like to wipe it all out or at least have my memory erased for that time period. I had a huge basket purse that looked cool when I bought it. It took up the entire hallway, didn't fit under my desk and when I decided to just dump it, it wouldn't even fit in my locker. Bleah.

  9. If you do ever encounter a hot tub time machine, please don't go back in time and trim your unibrow!

    In elementary school, they called me the afro queen because my naturally curly hair couldn't take the humidity.

    It super sucked.

    But I think these experiences build character. Without your childhood unibrow, maybe you wouldn't have grown up to be so funny! & then my blog would have nothing to aspire to.

  10. I am SO glad to hear a good review about this movie. Let alone from someone with a realistic expectation like I have going into it. It looks like a trow back to 80's campy comedies and I"m excited to see it. As for what I would change...this little comment box isn't big enough.

  11. I cannot wait to see this movie. The first time I saw a preview for it I laughed and thought it was a huge joke because - how could Hollywood come up with something so awesome? Then I saw another and got ridiculously excited.

  12. Oh, you were talking to someone named Zoe...not to Jeff. Oops. I guess I should lay off the wine!

  13. If I could change one thing, it would most definitely be my ahir cut in 6th grade. That RUINED me! I looked like a little boy, and got massively teased. Not to mention the HORRENDOUS yearbook photo. That shame will never die. Though there is something glorious about being the class ugly duckling. The shock and awe from fellow classmates at one's transformation can be quite thrilling...

    If you ever get bored, check out my poetry blog:

  14. I have to agree with everyone who says your unibrow shaped you into who you are today. At 4'10, I grew up listening to people sing Randy Newman's "Short People" ad nauseum. I had to learn to be funny to -wait for it- cut them down to size. (C'mon, you knew it was coming!)I also happened to be hideously ugly in Jr High. Did it suck? Oh hell yeah! But now I'm armed with a blog and an unforgiving memory.

  15. I feel you on the wanting to change just one or two key elements. I know I would like to go back and NOT try to give myself bangs while stoned, and maybe burn the disgusting army jacket that I drew all over and never washed.

  16. I thought you'd appreciate this unibrow:

  17. I would've just stayed in the house, away from all people, until I started to grow out of my "awkward phase". (still working on that, btw...)

  18. great post this...nice...excelent

  19. Wow, JC - that photo is . . . terrifying.

    Dorn - Roger Ebert actually likes "Hot Tub Time Machine"!

    I wonder what the mean middle school girls would have done if you had indeed said, "Fuck you!"


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