I look like hot ass today. And I mean hot like fetid, not hot like physically attractive. Maybe I should say ‘assy ass’ so as not to confuse. I think it’s because I didn’t wash my hair. I always think I can get away with it and then halfway through the day I go to wash my hands in the bathroom and discover that I look like the love child of Fran Lebowitz and Charles Manson.
How can I look less like Sasquatch (or, more appropriately, Ass-quatch) and more like Salma Hayek after an oxygen facial?
P.S. Also today I ate a “Mexican lasagna” for lunch. It had tofu in it. I was not amused. Why did I think something called a Mexican lasagna would be awesome? I wouldn't eat an Italian enchilada. Oh, wait, who am I kidding, I totally would. Anyway, point being, why did I eat this?
P.P.S. Possibly related: My lip gloss smells like maple syrup. Am I maybe having a stroke?