Friday, March 12, 2010

Hot Prob/Hot Ass

I want to give thought, consideration, and a martini to your Hot Probs, so I'll save the answer post for tomorrow. In the meantime, I have a few Hot Probs of my own...
Dear readers,
I look like hot ass today. And I mean hot like fetid, not hot like physically attractive. Maybe I should say ‘assy ass’ so as not to confuse. I think it’s because I didn’t wash my hair. I always think I can get away with it and then halfway through the day I go to wash my hands in the bathroom and discover that I look like the love child of Fran Lebowitz and Charles Manson.
How can I look less like Sasquatch (or, more appropriately, Ass-quatch) and more like Salma Hayek after an oxygen facial?

P.S. Also today I ate a “Mexican lasagna” for lunch. It had tofu in it. I was not amused. Why did I think something called a Mexican lasagna would be awesome? I wouldn't eat an Italian enchilada. Oh, wait, who am I kidding, I totally would. Anyway, point being, why did I eat this?
P.P.S. Possibly related: My lip gloss smells like maple syrup. Am I maybe having a stroke?



  1. Dear Sassy,

    I'm in love with my own ass. It's so awesome that I can't stop thinking about it. My problem is that the rest of my body diminishes the greatness of my ass. It's as though the rest of my body is jealous of how fantastic my ass is, and is in active rebellion against the ass - trying it's hardest to look crappy, and the ass can't carry the hotness load for the whole rest of the body. I end up looking frumpy, dowdy and dumpy.

    What's a girl to do?

    p.s. my captcha for this comment is 'asesse' - is that a sign from above?

  2. A mexican lasagna sounds good....minus the tofu. As for your hair? Hats always for for me. ;)

  3. Mexican lasagne? It reminds me of the time I ate nachos from a kebab place. My thinking was, nachos are awesome. Kebabs are awesome. So wouldn't nachos from a kebab place be double awesome?

    I imagine this was the logic behind your actions. It turns out we were both wrong.

  4. dude, (aka sassy) do the "bang wash".... you don't have to wash all of your hair, just the bangs.
    blowdry and proceed to fix your hair as if you washed it all. =)

    you will not look like charles manson's daughter.

    p.s. can't help you on the mexican lasagna. i totally wouldn't have eaten it. it took me a while to try the waffles at el torito's brunch.... and i don't even think those are "mexican waffles."

  5. Dry shampoo or hair powder of some kind is the cure for in-between-shower hair assishness. Of course, when you discover it midday, clearly drinking is the only answer. I use baby powder sometimes in lieu of the dry shampoo (out of cheapness/necessity to purchase booze in case of hair failure). But after enlightening one of my dark haired coworkers to this, she later informed me that solution is for blondes only.

    I would fall for mexican lasagna too, don't feel bad. Especially after some tequila :)

  6. Mexican lasagna sounds comparable to pizza I once saw spinning in one of those glass pretzel carousels - strangely weird and only slightly appetizing

  7. Sassy,
    I have a wonderful recipe for mexican lasagna we make all the time. Except it uses ground beef, not tofu. If you're not totally turned off to the idea, I'm always happy to share.

  8. I'm gonna give you an AWARD once i know how to do it, i mean i'm still learning how this thing works? Promise. for your post tomorrow, don't forget about me sharted. Still in the same pants LOLOLOL..

    waiting patiently for your advice.

  9. Anonymous4:45 PM

    For me it is even more perplexing when things go right. Mostly I look like ass, but sometimes it all comes together and I think, "wow, I look great today." Today my hair looks awesome...and I have no idea why. Completely out of my control. This is exciting and perplexing, much like Jeff Goldblum.

  10. OMG! I don't even know you, but seriously, take a pregnancy test!!!!

  11. oh just embrace the hair and go with it....I do on a regular basis.
    Just call me lazy....:)

  12. batiste dry shampoo! it's great. and there are cute little cans you can put in your bag.
    also, I want some maple syrup lipgloss.

  13. Dear Sassy,
    1) Next time you try to get away with not washing your hair do what I do...I might sprinkle a little baby powder on my roots and therefore eliminate "the greasies." Either that or I call in sick and draw the curtains in my house because that takes far less effort and I am lazy. :)

    2) You ate it because it sounded fabulous....But apparently it tasted like how you felt you looked. Tofu? Tofu has no place in antyhing Mexican OR Italian. Prosciutto DOES!

    3) It's okay, I think my iron (yes, iron) smells like pancakes. There HAS to be a reason for this, but Ihave not ironed pancakes E-V-E-R, so I can't find a logical explanation.


    PS - I want to be just like you when I grow up. :)

  14. please don't forget about the sharting malaysian.

  15. Anonymous6:38 PM

    I too have curly hair and make the mistake of thinking it will be ok to not wash it. Try frizz ease smoothing creme, just a bit goes a long way.

    I don't know about Mexican lasagna, but Mexican pizza is wonderful.

  16. I think it mostly means that you have awesome lip gloss.

  17. I'm thinking a.) martini sooner than later. It equalizes assy ass syndrome and b.)I find not looking in mirrors diminishes the effect of assy ass syndrome. Feel better!

  18. Dear Sassy,

    Food remixes are probably not good for your intestines, but awesome for your soul. Now on the subject of your mirror woes, please try to see the positive in everything. Charlie Manson's eyes sparkle, with some TLC Franny's hair could be awesome, and Sasquatch is a legend. So there you have it...the makings of a masterpiece. Even Salma Hayek bites her thumb at you. Oh, and if you're lip gloss smells like maple syrup, you're not having a stroke dear, you're about to have an orgasm.

    Toodle Pip Lovey,

    ~ Grunty ~

  19. Dear Sassy,
    The best way to avoid bad hair days is to simply shave off all of your hair. If anyone gives you lip, tell them you're doing it as a homage to Grace Slick. Grace Slick! Not Sinead O'Connor! I cannot stress that enough. Also, if you want, you can always tell people "I shaved my head 'cause the chemo was making it fall out anyway." You'll get undeserved sympathy, but also bad karma. It's up to you if the benefit of the one, outweigh the spiritual toxin of the others.
    And I have totally had mexican lasagne. It's awesome! Just look in the microwave section of your local grocery's frozen food section. - xoxo G!

  20. Dear Sassy,

    I just tried to write you a haiku about asses. But then I got lazy because I feel like ass. Instead, here is an HTML ass:

    ( [ )

    God I wish my ass looked like that.

    Anywho, I'm off to go watch an episode of SVU which will likely also involve, well, ass.

    Good Night.

  21. Anonymous1:15 AM

    Just wash your hair. You cannot get away without it. those dry shampoos are gross. otherwise - pull it back and up in a clip cuz you're stuck w/ugly hair for the day.
    mexican lasagna, eh? don't ya hate it when you waste good calories on stuff ya don't like? live and learn. i'll bet if you'd known about the tofu, you would not have eaten it.

  22. Our ass faces one direction, our eyes another. We should take advantage of this arrangement. Myself, I never had a problem I couldn't solve with bigger pants or one more beer.

  23. I absolutely love reading your blog! It's the kind of humor and sarcasm and such that I appreciate and use myself lol! I'm new to blogging on here and I'm glad Blogger suggested you! Check out mine at

  24. I HATE those days when you all of a sudden feel greasy and gross in the middle of the day. And I get a gentle gag reflex when I think of putting baby powder on as a cure?? Eeek.. sorry folks...

    go home, wash, you'll feel better!

  25. Every time I read your blog (sometimes multiple times a day[that's not stalky]) I click your ads.

    Apparently, you need shampoo money.
    We all gotta do our part.

  26. Dear Sassy,
    I prescribe 2 margaritas, stat. Once you've finished drinking them, go look in the mirror again. You'll find that you no longer look like a yeti, but in fact are kind of sexy.
    Add a third, and you may even start to see Selma Hayak staring back at you.

  27. I say "nix" on the powder shampoo stuff....your hair will look dirty and FEEL even dirtier. Just give up and wash it during lunch hour...worth it every time.

    Remember what they say: Look good, feel better.

    Love the blog.

  28. So, I have the same exact hair length/texture (at least from what I can tell from pics on your blog), and I only wash my hair once every two, sometimes three days, depending on if it rains, I workout, or have too many frizzies to slick down in the morning. Here is what you do:

    First day: Wash your hair, and go all out with the flat iron (which can curl your hair too), make yourself pretty. To keep frizz at bay use just a dime or penny sized blob of Argan Hair Oil (Morrocan hair oil, and Selma Hayek does in fact use this product)and apply it only midway down the hair shaft all the way to the roots (preferably before flat ironing, but after works too). That night wear your hair in a twisted bun to sleep in, or a silk shower cap.

    Second day: let only the front sections of your hair down to wash and blow dry. Then touch up the rest with the flat iron, maybe use just the tiniest bit of argan oil to tame any frizz, and spray some anti-humidity hair spray to finish (doesn't take very long at all, promise).

    Third day: If it looks like crap (aka would take you just as long to touch up as it would to wash and restyle) then just wash it and start over. If it's still going strong, repeat day two instructions.

    I've been doing this for over a year now, get all kinds of compliments on my hair, nobody knows you don't wash it every day unless you tell them, and my hair stylist tells me every time I go that my hair is in really good condition. Enjoy!

    Btw, a ghd straighner works the best to seal out humidity, curl, or straighten, and will not fry your hair with excessive use. It will also turn off if you forget and leave your house with it on (thank God), but they are uber expensive. A chi or whatever will work, but not as well, I've tried them all.

    The hair oil on the other hand, only $7 for a bottle that will last you months, bought at Sally Beauty Supply.

    Hope that helps!

  29. I have maple syrup lipgloss. Don't freak out, you may just have taken mine.

  30. Dude, now here is a real pathetic fallacy:

  31. Sassy,

    Commenting on the post that you should shave your head - beware!

    I went bald early and shaved my head. Suddenly women, even dudes, were walking up to me and either wanting to touch my head or lick it, or whatever.

    I found that my head was too hot when I was bald, so I went back to my Hawk-Mo.


  32. I just cut mine REALLY short. I look like a cross between Dame Judy Dench and Rosemary's Babymama.

  33. Oops, on step 1 of the Salma hair plan I meant to say to apply that Argan hair oil from mid-way down the hair shaft to the ends, not the roots. Putting it anywhere near your roots will just make it look greasy and flat. Hopefully you get this correction before you go to work looking like a greasy Manson love child. Good luck with the hair woes!

  34. Anonymous2:15 AM

    bumble and bumble curl conscious! if your lip gloss smells like maple syrup than a certain puerto rican from inwood probably slipped one of his chapsticks into your bag. he insists on buying every flavor as long as it's gross...

  35. I know this sounds crazy, but a little corn starch combed through the hair works really well for the in between shampoo days. As for the mexican lasagne, the words "mexican" and "lasagne" shouldn't be put together, I wouldn't have tried it.


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