Monday, March 1, 2010

Harriet The SpyCam

So apparently there is going to be a movie called Harriet The Spy: Blog Wars.

It’s starting.

I mean, remember when we all first started using the Internet, and suddenly movies had to try to make web surfing dramatic? Instead of “Can she get to the car before the villain kidnaps her?” it became “Can she type fast enough to send an email before the villains hack into her computer?” Typing in and of itself is not exciting, as it involves sitting instead of running, jumping, or screaming. Okay, so I sometimes scream at my computer if it freezes, but that’s not exactly the kind of stuff that gets Scorcese so excited that he starts talking like the guy from Micro Machines after a few hits of helium.

Anyway, point being, the Internet and cell phones ruined drama as we know it because now in order for someone to be believably stranded they can’t have access to either. In every new horror movie or thriller the director has to belabor the point that the heroine’s phone is out of batteries and/or got taken or smashed to bits. If a character needs to know something they can’t go to the library anymore; they just Google it (my favorite example of this is when Lindsay Lohan types into Ask.com “bleeding wounds unexplained” in I Know Who Killed Me. If you have inexplicable bleeding wounds, it’s time to call 911 or at the very least search WebMD.com. Also, who the fuck uses Ask? But I digress.) All I’m saying is it’s a sad day when a shot of an Ethernet cable is supposed to be thrilling.

And now, I guess, blogging is becoming a plot device. For the past decade or so the main character job of choice seemed to be magazine editor (which, trust me, is also not nearly as glamorous as Hollywood would have you believe), and now we must count the days until our next rom-com heroine is an influential blogger who meets her paramour when she falls in love with his Tumblr page. It’s only a hop, skip, and a jump until You’ve Got Mail—a remake of a movie based on a play—gets remade again as Tweet Nothings or some shit. (Although I should totally copyright that title...)

Jezebel has a funny list of other children’s books reimagined for the 21st Twitterverse, but I thought I’d come up with a few blogs that literary characters might have started had they had the technology:

The Terrific Liar, by Holden Caulfield
http://sleeptightyamorons.blogspot.com

(Woah! This an actual blog url! Holden, is that you?)

Lo in the Morning (NSFW) by Humbert Humbert
http://www.flickr.com/photos/humbertsquared/sets/

Fuck, We’re Still In Kansas, Toto, by Laura Ingalls Wilder
http://prairiegrrrl.tumblr.com

I know you guys can do even better than me, and that’s what the comments are for.

P.S. Harriet the Spy on the Internet seems wrong, doesn’t it? Like Harriet and Her Spycam: Girl Voyeur. Gross, Hollywood. Gross.
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19 comments :

  1. To be fair, the Harriet the Spy movie seemed pretty wrong too :(

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  2. You've Got Mail was like my least favorite movie ever. I still get really angry just thinking about it.

    how could a screenwriter fail to realize that a movie composed of shots of tom hanks alone at his computer, looking at the screen and then raising one eyebrow and laughing to himself...is....bad. just bad. very, very, very bad.

    a man alone in a room with a computer is either 1.) looking at porn, or 2.) boring me.

    so yes, perhaps there should be nothing but period pieces from now on.

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  3. I have to say, MY typing can get pretty damn exciting. Not only is there sometimes screaming, there is often hitting, slamming, shoving, swearing, office supply destruction, and possibly even throwing of expensive technology involved. (I have a crappy HP running on Vista. 'Nuf said.) I personally think a day in my life with my laptop would make a kick-ass horror flick...

    http://stolensentiments.blogspot.com/2010/02/ayo-technology.html

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  4. computers went from being the coolest plot device to being used to explain holes in the story via cyber babble. Now it's just tired.

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  5. A couple more...

    ~ Snow White & The Seven Trolls ~

    ~ Beauty And The Craigslist Beast ~

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  6. 7 Things From 7 Rings, by Dante
    (A photo blog of my vacation to Hell)
    http://funtimeswithdante.blogspot.com

    Concerning technology, it will only get worse if advertisers get any more intrusive in our media. Next it will be, "Damn, my cellphone's not working because of that stupid Verizon service! I should've gone with AT&T!"

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  7. What's even more disturbing than Harriet the Spy on the Internet is Harriet the Spy on a commercial for another show talking about sex! She's 11! And probably still has her perpetually broken arm from Pete & Pete!

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  8. I have absolutely no creative comment other than: lol.

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  9. Remember Hackers and Weird Science, where connecting to the internet and hacking into systems was illustrated on the green glowing computer screen? I guess the audience didn't really know better since so few people were using the internet back then, but they made it look like you could actually see the insides of the computer you were hacking into. That made computer use more dramatic back then, but now that the audience has wised up, those scenes are just ridiculous.

    On a side note: you watched I Know Who Killed Me???

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  10. Tweet Nothings!! Genius! You definatley shoud copywrite that, before someone else does!

    Hilarious!

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  11. Yes, it is soooo totally mainstream now. If a techno-challenged grannie like me can be a blogger, well, that about says it all.

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  12. Oooh, Oooh, I want to play:

    Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on eBay
    Mary Poppins and the Nannycam
    Tweeting Beauty
    Will Smith's Karate Kid (oh wait...)

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  13. The sad thing is, I would watch that movie

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  14. Bat-o-nine tails
    http://lolbats.blogspot.com

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  15. ...that's Batman's blog. Umm, or I guess it could be Alfred's. Probably Batman though.

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  16. @soft nonsense: Touche.

    @Rachel: It angers me even more for wasting Parker Posey so egregiously.

    @Stolen: I'd totally see it. Come to think of it, my hunt-and-peck typing IS kind of dramatic. "Can her left ring finger find the E?!"

    @NC17: Word!

    @GRUNTILDA: Nice.

    @Michael: I love the circles of hell, and reference them frequently. I want that blog to exist!

    @Xtra: What what WHAT? Say it ain't so!

    @Richard: Hey, I'll take it. :)

    @TB: Sigh, I love the glowing green computer screens of simpler times. And yes, I did, but just to see Lindsay Lohan play a stripper with one leg. Who doesn't want to see that?

    @Devon: Thanks! But if I somehow help to make a movie about Twitter happen I think I'll have to excommunicate myself from society.

    @Steadfast: I am going to channel my mom right now and say "You go, girl!" Okay, done. Sorry you all had to see that.

    @Julie: I like Tweeting Beauty. "Still asleep." "Where r u prince charming? Give me warning so I can brush teeth."

    @Lewis: You know I only brought it up because I would, too...

    @Brian: lolbats! Love it!

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  17. Sherlock Impossible - Where Sherlock Holmes teams up with Tom Cruise to crack a Nigerian Lottery scam.


    Email to Brezhnev


    A Tweet for Freedom


    Blogged on the 4th of July

    And Patrick Swayze's seminal work -
    Dirty Texting

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  18. I'm just amazed at how high you can pull your purple pants. Impressive. Buckwheat. ;)

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  19. Hello,

    I love your blog and your Project Runway reviews. Could you please check out my blog http://laurenperez.blogspot.com/?

    Thank you,
    Lauren

    ReplyDelete

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